My thoughts of the Ms. understood

Prelude

2012-02-16T09:09:00.002-08:00

I hate hitting my blog with these random post trying to play catch up. I keep telling myself I am going to do better with posting things, and I will do good for a little while and then fall off again. I was reading a blog about being vulnerable and I thought to myself, hey that's pretty much what my whole blog is about.... BEING VULNERABLE (along with hitting you with some knowledge of current events and what not). So this is just a brief prelude to let you know about the great things to come (and I say this like I have a whole lot of people actually reading my blog *sigh*).

Great things coming:
Laid Off - Taking Time Loving me and Loving God
GOP Candidates
2 Corinthians and what it taught me
My Natural Journey (and Great Links for hair tips)
RIP Whitney Houston
The 54h Grammy's
Club Paradise- Drake Concert

STAY TUNED!!!!!

O.B.A.M.A. - Opposition Based Amongst Many Americans

2011-12-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

I'm soooooooooooooooooo TIRED of everyone being against PresidentObama. Just 3 1/2 years ago everybody was all for him so how is it thatnow, after all he has done, everyone has something negative to say?

Let me remind you all of who was the leader of the "free world" for 8years... Yeah George...oh or did you all forget that. By far (in mypersonal opinion) the most ignorant SOB that has ran this country! Yeah I'm not afraid to say this... Freedom of Speech dammit, its a 1stAmendment Right!
However, this post is not about him, it is about President BarackObama. The man that the we all believed in, supported, and elected just3 1/2 years ago. Why elect him if you all didn't believe? Why choosehim if you didn't believe he was the best candidate?
When I cast my first Presidential Election vote of my lifetime back in2008 I chose Obama because he was the best candidate. A lot of peoplemay say oh you picked him because he is black. Oh really now?? Wellsince we want to decide world-leadership on such things as race or evengender why is that Hillary Clinton didn't win the Primary to go on towin the presidency.

President Obama was the better candidate...PERIOD, and he just sohappened to be black! There were a lot of black people back in 2008 whojust voted just cause he was a man of color, and are now the same oneswaiting around for a muthaf'n handout just because he is black. Whatwere you expecting... For him to come hand deliver a remedy for yourparticular situation right at your front door? Dumbasses.. That's nothow the politics of being President of the United States works! Itpisses me off to hear people say "oh I'm a democrat, yeah I voted forObama, but he hasn't done anything for me" #THEFUCK! What do you mean?

Let me break it down in simple terms for you real quick what Obama hasdone for this damn ungrateful, ignorant ass country (and I will furtherelaborate on this in my Part. 2 post). This man was elected in themidst of this country going through one of the worst economic crisisever.. No thanks to Bush. Hell anybody that came after Bush definitelywould have had a hard time..look at the mess he made! I look at it froma Marketing stand point... In public relations when things get alljacked up a publicist is called in to do damage control... I feel likethat is exactly what has been done. Obama not only stepped in as thePresident of the United States but as the Publicist of the UnitedStates. This country needed someone to do damage control, that's allthat could be done in his 4 year term!

He has done everything he said he would do and some. He has rescuedthis country from international embarrassment! The whole threat of thegovernment shutting down is not his fault, I'm sure it would havehappened to anyone else who would have been elected. He has done somuch for this country and the people of this country, and yet everyonewants to spit on him and what he has done! Everything he comes up with,regardless of its effectiveness, has been opposed by Republicans incongress just cause it came from him! Can someone give the man somecredit!! DAMN... Like what does he have to do to satisfy the people ofthis country???

I have a message for all the haters, the naysayers, the non-believers,the shit talkers, the REPUBLICANS, the RACIST..... LEAVE MY PRESIDENTTHE HELL ALONE!!!! Let's go back to that grade school principle of: "Ifu don't have anything nice to say.. Don't say anything at all",especially if you are around me! I don't want to hear about you andyour personal problems in your life and how its all Obama's fault! Ohreally now, so because you made the decision to do whatever and youcan't do this that and the other its all the President's fault? NO..That's is your fault your problem... Put your big girl/boy pants on andDEAL WITH IT! Stop blaming your inadequacies on the Leader of thiscountry. If anything we should learn something from him, because eventhrough all the opposition and negativity he has still managed tofulfill his goals. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE, LEARN!

The Reality of Reality TV

2011-12-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

After having a conversation via twitter with one of my fav followers@MrsValUable about reality shows, I was sort of motivated to do a post.Now I will not sit here and try and perpetrate like I don't indulge inthe reality show craze. I definitely make sure to catch my weekly doseof Real Housewives, Basketball Wives (aka Baby Mama's), Real World's,Love & Hip Hops, Bad Girls Clubs, etc... (I could go on.. I watch alot of reality tv). I will agree a lot of these shows are dumb andmajority of the cast members are nothing to praise, but itsentertainment! As a college graduate with a B.S. in Marketing Iunderstand fully how sex, drama, and crazy antics sell sell SELL, whichis the number one reason why these reality shows have been taking overtv and doing so well!

Now there are 2 reality shows in particular that puzzle me, andhonestly have puzzled me since they started..... 16 & Pregnant andTeen Mom. From the very beginning when MTV introduced these shows I wasgiving them the *side-eye* because I couldn't understand for the lifeof me why would they want to further publicize the issue of teenpregnancy. The issue of teen pregnancy has become more urgent in theserecent years, with the number of pregnant teenage girls skyrocketingand groups of friends in 10th grade making Pregnancy Pacts!

I have given the shows a chance and have been a follower of the seasonsthus far, believing in the bigger picture that MTV is trying to displaywith these shows. I truly believe that the intention of these shows wasto depict the hardships of dealing with teenage pregnancy to the massesof teenagers out there who need a good warning! However, I am also verysure that the show is not having the "impact" on the masses that wasintended. When I go to my local grocery store and I see magazines with headlinessuch as: "Teen Mom star arrested for fighting", I am irritated. I'm notso much irritated that they have made negative headlines but more sothat they are referred to as "Teen Mom star"... when the hell did thesechicks become celebrities?? Can someone let me know when the hellhaving a baby in high school became glamorous ? Why the hell are thesechicks even relevant to make a headline on any newspaper, magazine,blog, news feed, etc... And better yet why are these girls getting paidto do this?

The intent of these shows has definitely been forgotten.. Its evidentby the still increasing teenage pregnancy rate! The young people whoare now watching these shows are not at home thinking "man that girl isdumb" and "I will never be that stupid", they are relating with them.Teenage girls are watching these chicks that are not too much differentfrom themselves being publicized and turned into celebrities for whatSHOULD be a punishable! So is it so far fetched to think that theywould be looking up to these girls and trying to capitalize in theirown lives just how these "Teen Mom Stars" have?

And where the hell are their parents? Who the hell are these people?All the kids that are shown on these shows are ALLLLL MINORS!! MTV hasto be getting parental consent from someone in order to exploit thenaïve adolescents! I know my mother and there is no way in hell shewould give parental consent to go on tv to embarrass myself, her andthe rest of my family!! Do these parents not care or is it about thequick pay off? They get a nice lil check from the producers for theexploitation of their children's mistake on tv sets across America,that's sick!

Granted I know babies are not cheap, and any kind of. financialassistance would be great for these young parents but what about thatyoung girl who is TRYING to get pregnant just so she can have her 15minutes of fame? What about that baby? What is this society coming towhen this is just socially acceptable and we all stand back and watch?Over 30 years ago it wasn't even socially acceptable for you to bepregnant out of wedlock, so why now is it ok for Babies to have Babies?Ignorance is running rampant in this country. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE (andjust because) LEARN!

Reflecting to Healing!

2011-10-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

I spill a lot of my heart and soul and personal pains in my blog, when I do decide to blog. This post here tonight is for no particular reason, I'm just feeling some kind of way. Feeling some kind of way about what you may ask? I look back at my previous post and I look at how I have exposed so much of my pain and heartache and what I have gone through in my personal life. Yeah, it comes off as a little foolish to have a whole blog devoted to allowing me to vent and express how I feel. But let me explain something......

There are not many people on the face of this earth who know me and I mean TRULY know me. There are many who feel that they read me like a book, but yet they still do not COMPREHEND who I really am! See I started blogging over 3 years ago in an effort to better myself. I was at a place in my life where I was going through a lot, emotionally and had no way of expressing it. Those who know me know that when I am emotional and upset, having a clear coherent thought is out the window. My head hurts, my mind is racing at 100 mph, and all I ever want to do is just go back to being the person I was 5 mins ago without a care in the world.

My cousin introduced the idea of expressing myself through writing, and it proved to be effective for me. Being able to write how I feel and what I am going through has helped more than anyone knows. It is crazy to go back and read what you wrote, and remember exactly what it was you were talking about and exactly what you were feeling at that very exact moment. And once you travel back to that moment, you fast forward to today... at this very moment and you think of how far you have come. To be able to reflect on the things in my life that I have struggled with and that have caused me pain and to take those things and put them into prospective in my life today... it is truly a beautiful thing. Not only does my blog empower me, but it allows me to put things in my life back into prospective. So at times when I feel like my life is going insane and I am doing bad, I can think back to the post on my blog and read them and see where I have been and how far I have come.

Yeah some may say why not just write in a personal diary. I look at it like this, if someone out there could read my blog and take something away from it to help themselves then I have done good...lol. Hell if someone can just read my blog and get a feeling that they're not alone or they're not the only ones that have been there and it makes them feel better... then I have done good. To be able to make an impact in someones life... regardless of how minor it may be... that is good enough for me. I know many people don't read my blog... and that is fine ... but for those who do I hope you take something away or at least have a good ass laugh. LIVE LAUGH LOVE

It Was All Good Just A Week Ago .... Part 2

2011-09-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

After letting all my emotions spill out on my previous post I didn't want to start this one the same...
I told my homegirl (who's married btw): "it's getting cold you got tohave a boo" she tells me: " I don't know what's with everyone wanting aboo to lay up with when its cold outside you should want someone to layup with for LIFE" I tell her: " hunny well these negros out here are notabout that LIFE SHIT so I guess I will just take a season" lol.

It is sad when you get to a point in your life where you feel you are WILLING to just be in someone's life for a season.

Now I'm not a fan of disappointment..and being let down. I have had myfair share of pain...I again have memories with a person that I wish Icould erase and forget. I try and think of the good times and they makeme smile a little letting me know I'm in a better place. And now thatI'm feeling better about my situation I can move past it... I canreturn to the "normal" me before I let myself become weak.. For love...Yet I still can't help but think *in my Kanye West Voice* It was allgood just a week ago... What happened?
Ehhhhh Ahhhh well can't dwell on it.

My cousin told me that to get myself over this bump in the road Ishould write it out... it has helped.. It has let me get out all theemotions I haven't been able to express. I'm happy I can be happy andnot let set backs keep me down.

I'm happy for this situation.. I learned something fromthis all, and that is to never let my guard down (I already knew that)and never let yourself get vulnerable. Being me.. I love hard...I goat it full speed 100%.. if I catch a feeling it's a wrap.. I talk a biggame a lot of the time ("love sucks and I don"t believe in it" " I am going to give up on love and become the old cat lady") but deep down in the core of who I am I'm alover! It doesn't make me weak it makes me normal to want to be lovedand to give back that love. The next person who feels it necessary towant to get to know me.. I will do things differently...can't get suckered into the same trap...lol

Ha but until then... I will go back to happy SINGLE me! Yeah it may belonely at times...but I think I would much rather be lonely than aFOOL! And on that note " CHEERS TO THE FREAKIN WEEKEND I'LL DRANK TOTHAT YAY YAYYY DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN TURN IT AROUND WITHANOTHER ROUND THERE'S A PARTY GOING ON EVERYBODY PUT YOUR GLASSES UPAND I'LL DRINK TO THAT"! (Yes I just yelled that... AND) Live Laugh Love

It Was All Good Just A Week Ago..... Part 1

2011-09-28T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have had my fair share of broken hearts. I'm NOT a fan! As a woman I want what most women want... A husband, 2.5 kids, a blue house with a white picket fence.. A FAMILY!!. Lol ... Yeah the "American Dream".
But how IN THE HELL am I to acquire the dream when you're stuck to deal with these men (by no means am I generalizing either). Where do men get off thinking its ok to play the hell out females, I mean a REAL GOOD WOMAN! Men say that they want someone down for them that will support them, take care of them, nurture them, and love the hell out of them (ahhmm *clears throat and raises hand). Yet, when you get all of that you FUCKING BLOW IT! And I don't mean just half way blow it like you #EPICFAIL BLOW IT! I am not the easiest girlfriend to have I know that (and its mostly because I have expectations I want met, and I'm spoiled.. SUE ME), but I know that have not deserved half of all the SHIT I have had to go through with men! I love so hard and I'm so good to them, ride or die.. Cook, clean, whatever!

My most recent relationship... I was happy despite that I was apprehensive about being in the relationship to begin with. I had reservations yeah, because my previous relationship before that one did a number on me. It took 2 years, yeah I know sad.. 2 years, to get myself up running and back out there willing and ready to love. I thought I was all loved out & my heart was cold but I found some love in me somewhere to give to this new man I wanted to be in my life. I vowed I didn't ever want to feel hurt and pain like that ever again. I never wanted to know heartache like that again! I told him don't hurt me. He asked me to be apart of his life and asked me how I felt about being in a relationship.. I told him "ehhhhhh I don't know about that I am not really a fan of it". Well after a few months I gave in I decided to take that risk jump out there.. For love (The FUCK)! I expected this man to be what he said he was, I expected that if I was going to take a chance and jump off the edge of the cliff for him that he was going to be at the bottom to catch me.

Unfortunately, I hit the ground like Hillary's fiance on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air SPLAAAAT! NO ONE WAS THERE! I took a chance I took a risk I jumped and said hey he has been trustworthy thus far, he shouldn't disappoint right? WRONG, oh how wrong I was!! The situation I found myself in hurt so bad, and not so much that he hurt me but because its like I was reliving the hurt and pain all over again from the relationship before him. I told him don't hurt me I told him I didn't want to get played for a fool. He told me he wouldn't he sat and wiped tears from my face and told me he never wanted to hurt me! He told me that he understood my feelings of disappointment I had endured throughout my life because he too had faced similar situations...he was a gentleman. He held my hand when we were out and told me I was beautiful, even with no makeup on! He wasn't supposed to hurt me, he was supposed to be that facade he let me believe....

I was in denial after the whole situation happened...like naw that isn't what happened and hell he's human we all fuck up... I left the door open.. Open for him to redeem himself but there was no redemption and at this point I just simply don't care! He use to stare at me with such warmth in his eyes... I would catch him sometimes just looking at me.. I'd say " why are you looking at me like that" and giggle. He would say "dang I can't just look at you". I thought he cared... But it was not what it seemed and yet again I am the one left behind.
I refuse to go through this AGAIN... I'm done.. (To be continued.........)

RIP Troy Anthony Davis

2011-09-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

I was really moved this week with the Troy Davis story. Did I hear of it before this week...nope. But let's think... This whole "crime" took place in 1989..I was 2 years old in '89. I was unaware of the case, the story, and this man.
I don't want to go on and on stating the facts and the reports that have all been told to us via CNN and MSNBC. I would rather tell you how it made me feel and maybe someone out there feels me.
I first saw this man's name on twitter, and what got my attention was the fact that more than one of my followers was tweeting about him and the whole injustice. I didn't know anything so I did my favorite thing to do and GOOGLED IT. I read about the case and I wasn't surprised or outrage off bat about it. The only reason I say that is because we all have seen things like this happen before.

Example: I watch The First 48 every week (I'm sure you have caught an episode or two). We have all seen those cases where someone was killed and there is a group of suspects. There is always one suspect that actually didn't do anything but he is guilty just like the trigger man just because they were there! Even the people who claim it was an accident... they still go to jail!

Does it make it right that people are getting charged with Capitol murder for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time? The more I thought about it the more wrong it seemed and the more mad I got. What separates this case from just a regular murder case where the suspect will likely just spend the next 30 years to life in jail, is that Troy Davis was sentenced to death. Why death though? Is the crime he committed not the same crimes that happen on the First 48? They get to rot in jail, chillin but Davis gets the Death Penalty! Something doesn't seem right in my eyes.
As I sat on the edge of my bed last night watching the CNN report I was deeply sadden when they announced his appeal was denied. He ran out of appeals. This man had been fighting for justice & freedom for 20 years.!! I was so cold and hurt thinking about him sitting in a cell by himself everyday for 20 YEARS on death row, knocking on deaths door, not knowing when someone would answer. The torture of having a countdown on your last breathe, the last blink, the last time your heart will pump blood through your body, the last time your brain will have a thought. The shit is sick. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I felt numb knowing that this man who had so much doubt surrounding his guilt was laid out strapped to a gurney waiting for a bunch of old ass f*cks to decide his fate!
I had an interesting conversation with one of my coworkers (who is also black) about the whole thing and he told me that we as a culture (Black Americans) use the race card too much. I understood what he was saying an actually kind of agree. There are plenty of innocent white, yellow, orange, and black people sitting in jail, I don't doubt that. However, in this case I feel as if race played a big part.
I broke it down like this... The victim was a white cop in Savannah, Georgia. The suspect was a black man (any one will do), someone had to go to jail and die for the crime. But I think about it like this the cop was off duty, not in uniform how the hell is anyone supposed to have known he was a cop. To anyone there he was just a regular white guy. Yeah its wrong to take anyones life but let that cop just be a regular white civilian, would Davis had got life instead of the Death Penalty? Let's go even further... What if the cop had been black? What would the outcome have been then?
Its evident that race played a LARGE part in this case. Hell it was 1989 in Georgia.... GEORGIA yeah one of those confederate states that at one point of time felt like black people shouldn't have rights. Yeah I'm sure those cops were thinking "yeah we got the right ni**er to put this on" "and we're going to fry him for it".
Kanye said it best "Racism still alive they just be concealing it". So while some black people are walking around thinking that the playing field is equal out here in these streets of America... NEWS FLASH they aren't. There are still a lot of conservative racist people in this nation that are very much so stuck in the past. Yes there are Black people out here making big moves ..ie Obama.. hell he won the whole chess game for us. But we should still be aware of the wrongs that are still being done and use the power and knowledge that our ancestors fought and DIED for to CALL IT OUT!
By no means am I a racist.. Hell I love anyone that loves me dammit... But I believe in standing up for what's right regardless!
Who are we to decide who lives and dies?? Who gave humans the right to play God?? Who is to say that man wasn't innocent? Why was that decision left up to human beings? We are not perfect! Yes we may have been designed in the likeness of God, but don't get it twisted. We are flawed... MAJORLY. Those 7 out of the 9 witnesses who recanted there statements are F*CKING FLAWED! That goes to show you that we as humans aren't capable of judging, nor taking a life.
I truly believe an innocent man was killed last night, but he has gone on to better place with the Lord. He can finally have peace! And hopefully his death was not in vain but is the catalyst needed to open up our eyes, speak up, and speak out for change! Live Laugh Love

What U Missed!!

2011-09-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in a minute (look at me now 2 blogs in one night).. So much has happened... Where do I begin...

Well first I lost my job... Yeah I got FIRED (please read below post My Job Sucks how about yours), from what could be the worst employer in America! And I got fired over some petty bullsh*t at that. Someone in Management had it out for me and then this douche bag ass individual (yeah the same one I called out from the below post) gets a promotion and he feels it necessary to get rid of the best person on the team!! What a jackass. They basically fired me for being a social butterfly & for having a conversation with another employer about being "black". #pause yeah being black I said it.

PSA: FOR ANYONE WHO DIDN'T KNOW............ I AM BLACK! (This public service announcement was brought to by KnowyourRaceKnowYourPlace.org)

But getting fired wasn't even awful. I LOATHED that place with an intense passion and I left making sure that they understood that! Yes I was all upset thinking about how bad the job market is and how I have REAL LIFE bills to pay now, but I was so relieved to be rid of that place!

But God had my back.. I was only unemployed for a month.. literally!! The Sunday of the week that I got my call back that I got my current job, I had went to church and I said it..."This is the week". I was always told that u have to speak things into existence, and I did! So now I'm employed with this great company making more money than before with better management *fist pumps*!

Let's see what else... Oh yeah I got taken off the available single girl market. Lol I know I know right, me!! Lol (I'm actually laughing while typing this), but no being serious I'm happy (most of the time). Those who know me know I'm definitely a tough cookie to deal with. But I'm happy and kind of excited I made the decision to go forward! We have our problems (more than a few..lol) but I think we kinda work, we are complete polar opposites but with some interesting things in common somewhere in the middle! I'm looking forward to see what happens and where this goes.

ALRIGHT enough mushy sh*t! So pretty much to wrap this up... I'm good, lifes good, living good...what more can u ask for? Live, Laugh, Love!

The Unwritten Weave Code.. Are you a Violator?

2011-09-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

So I was bored one day at work a while back and I decided to use my FAV social network site to express the awfulness of all of the bad weaves I see daily... This here is the Unwritten Weave Code...not to be taken as a joke (although it is quite hilarious). This is for all those chicks out there who think they are DOING IT, but in actuality your failing BIG TIME. So enjoy, take notes, hell I don't care Print it off and hang it up in your Bathroom.. but know that I state facts (that just happen to be funny) here it goes.....

I'm pretty sure there is like an unwritten code on how to wear weave
#1 make sure it matches UR hair texture.. Sincerely those nappy edges

Unwritten Weave Code #2 exposed tracks is a DEFINITE #epicFAIL.. And should be punishable by death.. #ijs

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #3 if ur a cheap ass individual u should NEVER wear weave.. Cuz cheap can be spotted a mile a way.. Its just not cute

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #4 if u know ur hair line is receding PLEASE pretty please get a bang.. Thanks from Big Foreheads LLC

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #5 #deathTo the Lace front that comes with its own baby hair..ie Brandy Norwood.. Like seriously that's shits awful

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #6 putting glue on anything that costs 100 plus dollars a pack... U simple Bish... What a waste

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #7 matching ur weave color to ur outfit choices...ur purple suit from easter.. Now u looking like Barney by the head smh

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #8 wet and wavy aint for everybody..just cuz its cute on ur homegirl (who has natural baby hair) don't mean its for u

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #9 if ur edges are NON EXISTENT please don't get tracks glued to the side of ur head but u got a sew-in o_O

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #10 weave brushes were made 4 a reason..INVEST IN ONE if u insist on wearing weave..no need 2 b looking like a bird's nest

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #11 STOP trying to pass ur weave off as ur real hair when we can see where one begins & the other ends

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #12 STOP letting your unqualified homegirl do your weaves...she does not have ur best interest at heart!!

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #13 the Weave Code applies to ALL races & nationalities..white girl ur "extensions" should not be nappy ie Ms.Aguilera

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #14 #deathTo the "natural" hair weaves.. Why get a sew-in of an afro when u can just wear ur hair??

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #15 stop trying to pass off ur Yaky hair as Indian Remy if u don't know what Indian remy is supposed to look like

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #16 weave is supposed to be free flowing not matted and sticking straight out ... Fix that shit

#UnwrittenWeaveCode #17 stop saying u have thin hair when ur ass walking around with all of 6 tracks in ur head.. Bish Bye!!

My Natural Hair Process!!! woot woot #teamNatural

2011-06-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

So for those of you who did not know, I am all the way #teamNatural!! I have been growing my perm out for 16 months now, after I had to cut my hair off from a mis-managed sew-in.

My Chemically treated hair!

Anyways I had to make the "BIG CHOP" and cut all my hair off *sheds tear*. But because I had my sew-in in my hair for like 3 months a lot of my relaxed hair had grown out (your girl had like 4 inches of new growth).

after the BIG CHOP

The previous picture was taken like 8 months ago and was the shortest my hair has everrrrrr been ... omg but the hair cut ended up being real cute. Even though I was super hurt about cutting my hair off I stuck with growing my perm out! At the point when this picture was taken it had been 7 months strong with no chemicals. YAYYY MEEE!!

this is my hair now

The above picture was taken a few weeks ago, and yes this is the fully natural head of hair (excusing a few of my ends that have about an inch of relaxed hair left to be cut off). I prefer to wear my hair straightened, even in the natural state, my hair is 50 % thicker and healthier than it was in the above relaxed hair picture. I LOVE MY NATURAL HAIR!! I take very good care of my hair, washing and conditioning every week and getting my ends clipped every 6-8 weeks. But moving on.. I love the diversity that I have with my natural hair that I never could have with my chemically treated hair. My natural curls are pretty and yet still a little awkward looking. However, I have found a bunch of natural hair blogs and websites that have inspired my below pictures... I did it .. BANTU KNOTTING and this is how it came out.....

the knots themselves

the end result!

yes!!! I love it!! all of it!! I have received soooo many compliments on my natural bantu knotted hair! you can google bantu knotting for yourself and get the scoop on how to do them and how to they work for your hair. I did a dry bantu knot where I just worked with my hair dry and just used styling products to get the effect I was going for.

Tell me what you think ...

My Job Sucks ..... How about Yours?

2011-06-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today has been an exceptionally stressful day at work. Ugghhh. Where do I begin. My job is by far the easiest 9 to 5 job that anyone could ask for, however the constant BULLSHIT that occurs on the daily is a bit much to deal with. It is supposed to be a PROFESSIONAL environment, and yet the most childish things take place.

First let me start by saying I am a very social person. My job has the tendency to get a little mind-numbing after some hours so I like to socialize with co-workers. So basically, I have been labeled as a "CHRONIC SOCIALIZER" in the office, and management REALLY does not like that. Now let me follow up by saying that even though I am labeled as a "CHRONIC SOCIALIZER" in the office I am always ranked in the top 5 of my team. Therefore, my socializing has no effect on my efficiency or effectiveness. Now to discuss what happened today.

While I was on break (which is scheduled as a 15 min) I was up and speaking to fellow co-workers not being a disturbance, along with keeping up with my time, as to not be late from break. When I return to my desk I am greeted with a not so pleasant email from my Team Lead. He made the mistake of sending an email to the whole team that was only supposed to be sent to my direct supervisor, that was about me!!!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an EXTREMELY petty individual at times, especially if I feel as if though that you are trying to pick on me. So I proceeded to reply to the email confirming what he had already emailed but also being a slight bit of a smart ass to make a point! DON'T TRY AND CALL ME OUT IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO BE CALLED OUT YOURSELF. I forwarded the email to my cousin who wrote me back and said "wth kind of business do you work for where that is acceptable".

I learned a valuable lesson today at work about working in the corporate world. When you are not in a position of authority, your opinion and feelings don't really matter. There is no such thing as your word over theirs, it is always theirs over yours. No matter how much they may piss you off and push you to the edge, bite your tongue..... it will be the difference between you being employed getting a check every two weeks to being unemployed. No need to sit around and complain about the things, find a way to change things. In my case, I only have one option to change the FOOLISHNESS at my job, and that is to find another one. LIVE LAUGH LOVE

Raining Men...where they doing that at?

2011-05-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

So why is it so hard to find a companion. Like a true friend and not a guy who trying to see who can get you in bed. Where are the men that want to be in a serious committed relationship? Pulling a guy isn't the hard part.. I'm just so tired of the choices of man I have encountered and been around..you are not ready for anything serious but complaining about me being MIA and how I don't try and "kick-it"with you, but when we get together you can't even have a decent conversation about anything. Then you want to get all close and touchy, trying to get you some. Then you throw a small temper tantrum when you don't get any, huffing and puffing and shit...smh. Sex is fun and great and all but what happened to getting to know the person you decide to penetrate..or allow to anyways. I don't want to be the female to generalize an entire group of individuals so I will say hopefully there are men out there that are romantic and much deeper than just the act of sex.
Rihanna has this song "Raining Men" which is one of my fav songs right now. In the song she says " Oh its raining men girl what you worried bout?" Well to answer that I'm concerned about where & why I wasn't informed it is raining men first of all and then what is the quality of man that is raining? We already have enough busted, low life, aint shit men running around.. so if that is what is raining down I think I would prefer to continue to go through the drought!

Cry me a River..... Casey Anthony Trial

2011-05-25T06:05:00.000-07:00

I'm over Casey Anthony's trial ALREADY!!!!

Like I suspected her of being guilty back when she was out partying and taking pictures and posting them on Facebook. She has to be by far the dumbest person ever right now. And her Defense Attorney has to be the dumbest two lawyers ever.

So the trial has begun and the Defense has stated that the child drowned in the family pool back in June of 2008. Casey didn't feel it necessary to report that hey it was an accident and she fell and drowned in the pool. No, she hid the body and didn't even bother reporting to the police that the child was missing until weeks after the baby had supposedly "drowned". During all of this she is lying telling people "oh she is at Universal Studios with the Nanny" and "Oh she is at my boyfriends house". BULLSHIT!

After she decides she wants to report Caylee missing (again 3 weeks after she "drowned") police take on a 3 to 4 month search for the "missing child". During all of this Casey is out clubbing, kicking it, taking pictures taking shots, kissing girls and stuff. REALLY BITCH?

So here it is day one of the trial and from the beginning of the opening statements the bitch is shown boo hoo crying from the things being said in the courtroom. Again REALLY? Where the hell were the tears at when they were searching for the child you reported missing, even though you knew she was dead? Where were the tears when you put that baby's body in damn Hefty bag wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket? Where were the tears when you were out kickin it getting drunk all over Florida, while you had people out day and night searching for your already dead child?

This trial has been already named the Trial of the Century... Not in my book. This needs to end today, no need to drag out the inevitable. SHE IS GUILTY AND IS GOING TO JAIL. It would be wrong and unjust for the courts to let this trial go beyond this week without reaching a verdict. Reports say that the State has a pretty strong case, and we all remember the weeks and weeks of lies she told and the aftermath of all the sketchy behavior that Miss Anthony was displaying, which should be enough to convict her of Murder of her child.

Her legal defense is already pissing me off. First with this whole "drowned" story and then they want to bring in the accusation that Casey was sexually abused by her brother and father growing up which has caused her "emotional distress" causing her to react to the "drowning" of baby Caylee. #pause.. Come again now WTF!!!!!!!!! REALLY! Oh so now she is the victim! I'm shocked at her lawyers trying to run this whole psychological bullshit on us. If I were a Juror for this trial I would be appalled at the audacity of these lawyers trying to undermine my intelligence and ability to comprehend and put one and two together. I would honestly be pissed that the Federal court system is wasting my time with this BULLSHIT to begin with. I do not believe that there is anything that Casey Anthony's lawyers could say to change my mind and probably the majority of America's mind on her guilt... So let's just stop while we're ahead REALLY!

NEW YEAR... NEW ME

2011-04-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

It is a shame that it is the 2nd week in April and I have yet to post anything for the New Year, lol. Well Happy New Year all. So the past 3 months of the new year has been a very rewarding time so far. I declared at the end of last year that I would not go into 2011 with the same load of bullshit on my shoulders, weighing me down. So I had to quickly dismiss all emotions and problems that were holding me captive. I am still working on some things especially on myself. I am happier today then I was last year this time. Hell, I am happier now than I was 3 1/2 months ago. A lot of things have happened and a lot of learning has come from it. I have renewed my faith in the Lord and I am ready to keep it pushing forward striving and achieving. I had a phenomenal birthday (March 20th) with a 4 day celebration. I am currently in the process of planning my big milestone birthday next year with a trip to Vegas!!!! My ex is having a baby and I have had to completely dismiss myself from that situation. I will always in my heart love him and care for him but I have to keep it pushing cause he will not have room for me and a new baby in his life now. I am celebrating life living everyday like it is a college spring break. Some days are better than others but I am doing. I am working hard and making good money. I have had a few rejections and set backs already this year but I had to brush them off and keep it moving (of course with the help of retail therapy). But we all know this is not my first time at the rodeo! I have been introduced to new things and new experiences. I fell in love with Adele's album 21, it never really leaves my cd player. I have started dating and trying to open my eyes to the one that may be right under my nose. Still dreaming of my beach front wedding and my ultimate goal of being a wife, mother, and successful business woman (not in that order). But the ultimate thing that has happened to me in this new year which will be a first for me is, falling in love with myself.

SHut YOur Mouth WhEN Talking To ME!!!

2010-09-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

Have you or someone you know been a victim of verbal abuse? Little do a lot of people know verbal abuse is just as frequent as physical abuse. The majority of us are verbally abused more times than we know.

Wikipedia defines verbal abuse as "an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purpose of control" which "can seriously interfere with a person's healthy emotional development".

Now the majority of us have experienced verbal abuse when we were younger growing up, usually by being the butt of a joke or being picked on. But most of us do not know what it means to be in a verbally abusive situation as an adult. So just to spell it out for you plain and simple, verbal abuse is anything that belittles, degrades, puts down, berate, offends, ANYONE. We all have always heard that words can hurt, but verbal abuse goes beyond your typical grade school name calling.

But I, just like anyone was also picked on as a child and I feel it did nothing but help me grow tough skin. However now that I am an adult I have been a victim to verbal abuse... I have lived in a situation where I was constantly criticized and berated for every action that I did. But it goes beyond the usual criticizing that any young adult may face it gets to a point where you are being talked down to like you are beneath the abuser and called out of your name for no reason. Where I am from the word BITCH is word that will 9 times out of 10 get you bust upside the head.

I am not writing about this topic only because I have been a victim to it but because I want people to be aware. (I am learning that I am not the only nor the first or last person to go through anything) Being in a situation where someone may be superior to you whether it be on a job or just someone who is older than you DOES NOT give them the right to talk to you like they have lost every piece of their mind. And don't be victimized because that person may have something that you very well need to survive such as a job or a home, u are worth more than what they have to offer you anyways. So if u find yourself being ridiculed, criticized, threatened, or berated but you feel that you have to endure because you need that job or you need that place..... YOU DON'T. Stop being a victim of verbal abuse.

And a note to the verbal abusers out there GROW THE HELL UP... And know that Karma is a Bitch I'm all too familiar with. Who are you to hold ANYTHING over anyone's head because you are in position to do for that person. God gave you that position and He can easily dismiss you from it. LOVE LIVE LAUGH

PS talking about someone's mother is very juvenile especially when you are grown ass woman. #thatisall

My Bitter Lemonade

2010-08-24T08:23:00.000-07:00

The old saying goes " when life gives you lemons .... Make lemonade". My life seems to give me a plethora of ish that I can't combine to make anything good out of. It is like going to the pantry and having peanut butter and not bread ... Or having milk and no cereal .
Everyday is an ongoing struggle for me to press on and accept the fact that HEY this is what being an adult is all about. I just had my life spared from what could have been a near fatal crash (pictures below) to come to find out that my finances are not straight that my plans I had have to take an immediate detour and I'm just stuck like a duck in the mud.
I did something today that I need to be forgiven for... And that is to be ungrateful to God for his mercy and grace he has placed on my life ... He spared me which he did not have to do and here I am 2 days later letting all the pressures of my life weighing me down stating I should have just died on Saturday....... PAUSE ... Did I really just say that?
The burdens in life are there for a reason ... I know alll too well about dealing with the burdens and trials and tribulations of road blocks on the way to u life fulfillment... But just like in countless stories in the Bible where God had to test his people to build them up and make them strong and also to see how worthy they were to receive the blessings He had for them.... They NEVER complained ...
So its almost like I spoke curses onto God for blessing me with another day to live and breath and make right alllllll the wrongs... I take that back because that was not what I feel in my heart... What I do know is I have a greater purpose in life then I could ever imagine but God knows it and He is building me up and strengthening me for what is to come... For my destiny. So I hope that God will not forsake me or count my slip of the tongue during my emotional state against me.. For He knows my heart and yours too.. Confess with your tongue and it shall be.... LOVE LIVE LAUGH

Blessed to Be Here.... without a car!

2010-08-23T20:55:00.001-07:00

Life is crazy ... Saturday August 14 was supposed to be a great day... I had just spent the whole day with my best friends family. They are awesome, my best friends family, we all spent Friday celebrating her mothers accomplishment of graduating from Graduate School. We were to get up on Saturday and get on the road to Memphis, 3 hours away to go see Trey Songz live in concert at the Orpheum.
Now let me be the one to say I LOVVVVVEEEEEE TREY SONGZ, I had beencountdown all month for the 15th to come. We spent a nice lil penny onthe tickets too but it didn't matter because Trey Songz is fine and Ilove his music.
But on the way from nashville to memphis it began to rain and my carhydroplaned and veered into traffic... We crashed into a railing on the highway and then we were hit by a car and then hit again by an 18 wheeler. My best friend and I were able to walk out of the car with just a few scratches, bumps and bruises. WE ARE TRULY BLESSED. Wesurvived a crash that many people would not have survived.. My car is TOTALED ... My first car GONE... But I'm counting my blessings becauseI was able to walk out of my car and look at it and see how bad it could have been... I SURVIVED... And I know now that God has a greater plan for my life and that I have not fulfilled my destiny on this here Earth... I am overjoyed and truly blessed to have what I like to think as a second chance in life to get going back down the right path....So count your blessings yall life is too short reach out and tell someone you love them help a friend in need.... Set some goals and work diligently to achieve them everyday... MAKE A DIFFERENCE ... LOVE LIVE LAUGH

Fear: Roller coaster of Unknown

2010-05-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm really taking a step back and looking at it all. As it seems everything that I have been hoping and praying for is finally about to happen and its all within arms reach for me. It has been a LONG time coming for me to get to this point and I am more than thankful for all that I had to endure to get here. I'M OVERLY HAPPY!!

A lot of my blog post have to do with love and my perception of love. I always have some kind of analysis or story or question it seems about that specific subject. I can attempt to stay clear of it as long as I can but it always creeps back up on me.

Love in my life has been a up down, all around ROLLER COASTER. I HATE roller coasters. Mostly I hate them cause I have a horrible fear of heights. I am terrified of my feet being off the ground. I have been told that my fear of heights along with my fear of deep water has a lot to do with my security issues. I like my feet being planted safely on the ground cause it gives me SECURITY.

I have always been afraid of the unknown and in all actuality the UNKNOWN is my largest fear of all the things that I am afraid of. I use to tell people that death was my greatest fear, but I have had time to really analyze myself and the things that I let scare me. I now know that the fear of the unknown truly consumes me and it is honestly the basis of all of my other fears.

In dealing with my love life, I have been on a non-stop roller coaster ride of fear and emotion for 2 years. I am tired of the ride and ready to get off. But maybe I don't need to get off cause honestly if you really think about it love is an actual roller coaster. As long as one is in pursuit of love or in an ongoing battle with it they will constantly be on that roller coaster ride. So the majority of the most of our lives is spent riding this damn roller coaster and not being able to get off. Some parts of it are smooth and fun, and then there are the parts that are scary, shaky, and unexpected. And if any of ya'll are like me you are riding with your eyes closed so you are truly unaware of whats ahead for you, you're just riding going with the flow.

I am trying to conquer my fears and not be so aware of how much the unknown bothers me. I think I will continue to ride this ride on out and see where it takes me. A shift in my atmosphere of love may be good for this ride but ultimately it will help to develop my heart for the journey and long ride I have left. So embrace your fears and live your life to the max with no apprehensions and with nothing holding you back. LIVE LAUGH LOVE

Blogging not a Habit but my Therapy LETTING GO AND LETTING LOVE!!

2010-05-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

Hey there to my not so faithful readers. I just want to say I don't write my blog just so I can have readers or for people to just get advice like my life is just so perfect. I write my blog for me and only me and if just by chance someone decides they wanna take something away from something I write, well so be it.

I just needed to start out with that little disclaimer cause a lot of people have been taking my blog seriously and deciding to cast judgement off what as I use to vent. LOL

But I just read a blog that really inspired me to want to write again. It was about the Death of Intimacy. LOL and I know that if the writer of that blog sees this that he will probably chuckle a little to himself about me mentioning his blog (here's the link for everyone http://bit.ly/cNwMRc ). But it made me think about how I have had some bad experiences with men and I have kind of pushed myself into this corner to be like uhhhhh I don't really want to fall in love again. However when I read that I was inspired to feel like hey that's what I want... true intimacy with someone that I could consider spending my life with. F all that love ish... I want to have a great intimate relationship with a man whom I could one day fall in love with and who will cherish me and want to spend the rest of our lives together. Hell what woman wouldn't want that??

Along with reading that blog this evening I also got a very interesting text message from and someone who really considers them self to be serious about being serious with me, like in a I will drop everybody type thing. I'm like dayyyyyuuummm cause I have just been kind of apprehensive with the whole situation not really knowing what direction it will go in. But I have had to be reminded and a co-worker today also told me I'm young and to just enjoy my life. Take things as they come and learn and love. So as I lay my head down this evening to rest for another day tomorrow I will make up in my mind that I'm ready to accept, let go, love and learn, maybe you should do the same too!! LAUGH LIVE LOVE

Got 2 Love a Man 4 REAL ...lol

2010-02-10T00:22:00.000-08:00

Men are some interesting creatures... and they always say we as women are the interesting complex ones. Well I give you complex but interesting by far I give to men...
Their never ending schemes, lies, and lack of emotion never ceases to amaze me... Men are by far the most interesting species. And truly whats the most interesting of all is that they are so damn simple. They put very little thought into anything they do, usually being very predictable and are usually so damned nonchalant about everything that is not sports, cars, or sexually related... it baffles me really.

I speak about the issues of men and women daily on my twitter (@Queen_AG) mostly just random spurt of the moment advices that some people tend to take a liking to and Retweet.
Sometimes I think about how little thought men do put into things especially their choices in females... they never really think about the aftermath of their choices but rather the just the for now.

As we all know men are not future-oriented individuals..that is left up to us women. But men just make their decisions solely off the fact that hey she is cute and she had something to say... and just like every man they want a real woman whom can hold their attention... however like I said the other day via my twitter.. "men who say they are ready to "settle" down beware of what you "settle" for cause there are a lot of ratchet broads out there posing as REAL women. And that is real talk... we as women are very smart conniving and manipulative... and we know this however a real woman knows that using those measures will not get you the prize at the end of the day, being REAL catches the prize always!!

Well I guess my advice for men is just BE REAL... if u want a REAL woman .. than you need to be REAL back... stop choosing the first pretty face you see whether it be through facebook, twitter, tiny chat, ustream or whatever... stop leading girls on.. cause like i said before every woman is not a REAL woman some women have real issues and are REAL crazy (watch out).. STOP DAMN LYING.... there is NOTHING worse on this earth than a man who lies and thinks he can get away with it... word to the wise we woman are WAY much smarter than yall give us credit for.. oh and keep communication clear of distractions or interference or as I learned in my various marketing courses NOISE... an open clear line of communication will keep her happy and you safe ..lol... it will also get rid of that awkward unsureness that most women deal with cause they don't really know for real whats going on with you (cause yall are so unemotional). I hope someone reads this and feels they may need to change how they have been approaching things in their lives. LOVE LIVE LAUGH

Summing things Up... the end of the 1st Week of Feb.

2010-02-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

My life has made a turn for the better yall. I am working on seriously getting my life together and actually witnessing the progress. I am so grateful and blessed to have wonderful people around me all the time. My job search is going well and I have made strides to making a very good career decision. I have had several interviews with a very promising outlook. I am working and striving everyday to get back on my feet and back into my own place as soon as possible. I look forward to the COME UP that is ahead of me.
My love life ... its the usual hot mess it always is. I'm finding myself in situations that ummmm maybe I should have thought twice about. However, everything in life is a learning decision and I have managed to learn oh so much from the hot mess people I allow to be in my life. Now I say allow only because... they give me something to be entertained by with the constant games that are played yet I am the Master of mastering the Games that are being played. Currently I don't want to build a relationship with anyone whom I feel I may have doubts in only cause I'm 22 and I have a mission that I need to succeed in. If a guy is not on the same page as me or not even trying to be in the first place we can't continue on.
But enough about relationships and love. I don't want to always be that boring chick that all she has to talk about is relationships and dumb men.. that gets soo old. So in lighter news GO SAINTS. I got to watch the Super Bowl yesterday and i was thoroughly ecstatic about the Saints taking down the Colts. I will be quick to say I am not a bandwagon chick I was cheering for the Saints the whole time, however, I do not have a favorite NFL team. I enjoyed watching the game and watching some of the commercials... My favorite commercial from the whole night was the Doritos commercial with the little boy whos' mom was going out on the date. The little boy slapped the man and told him "keep your hands off my mama and keep your hands off my Doritos" LMAO... the best commercial all night.
I wish I had something to say about halftime but I didn't watch it... I wasn't to interested in The Who and what they were singing. I will say this though about Super Bowl Halftime Shows... they have sucked ever since Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed... I think they need to have younger artist perform and no I'm not necessarily asking for the hot mess artist of my generation but maybe have like a plethora of different artist to appeal to all that watch the Super Bowl ... hell halftime is like 20 minutes.
Well enough of this I getting back on twitter... twitter has totally taken over my life... its very sad actually but I LOVE TWITTER... it is my way to instantly express how I feel at any given moment. I am an Twitterhead and proud of it...lol... Anyways LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH

Cheating @ Sam's

2010-01-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

So men are a hot mess... just all around a hot mess.
I have this whole story that can back up why I say men are a hot mess..
So interesting situation that I was in 2 days ago with my friend whos name will stay disclosed.
We had made plans to go and what not on Saturday and we had planned out our whole day and what we were going to do before we went out. So on Friday we had a sleepover at her house to get ready for Saturday. So saturday comes and she is waiting around to see if some of her family members are going to Western Union her some money... but that failed... so she went to another source in here rolodex... She called up this guy who owns a few clubs and what not but has a little extra change... So he decides that he is going to give her some money to hold her over for the rest of the weekend.
So we get up and get ready and leave the house around like 4 o clock... and we stopped and went to my house because I had left without my lipgloss (can't live without it) besides the fact that dude was on good BS not answering the phone.... so he finally texted back and had told her to meet at this gas station that was out in the boonies... cause he lived a good 20 minutes outside of the city.... so we sat there waiting at that gas station for a good 15 mins.. she kept texting and calling trying to find out where he was and when he was coming.. the whole time he sitting there telling us he on the way he still getting ready, making all kind of excuses....
So finally he called her and told her that he is at Sams Club.... he had to take his wife there... WTF... however my friend knew that he had a wife... I didn't though...
So he is having a family shopping moment with his WIFE in Sams Club steady trying to give my girl this money.... TRIFLIN NO GOOD... Where do they do that at?
So while your wife is in Sams shopping you just walk of and leave to go and give another woman money..ummmmm yeah you are TRIFLIN.
Ladies if you out with your man in a shopping situation and he just mysteriously walks the hell off...ummmm he just may damn well may be cheating on you... I'm just saying!!!
LIVE LAUGH LOVE

Brand New Year Brand

2010-01-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

Whats up to all of the bloggers and all of those who read blogs.... I have not written on my blog in like almost a year...but it feels so good to be back.
This year is going to be different, better, no more writing about sad depressing relationship life stuff. No more about the world around me that I need to embrace.
Happy to be starting a new year off here... HAPPY NEW YEAR by the way.
But lets get it... I have experienced a lot in my life and have done a lot and I am happy to have made it another year. Thank u Lord!!!
This year I am going to start my empire and do it big... I have already planted that seed for my life.
But to catch everyone I finally graduated... that man that I carried on and on and on about a year ago is no longer a main concern in my life, mostly we are just friends and I have accepted my singledom and moving completely on with my life...infact I have went a little man crazy...
Happy to say I am ready to bounce back out there on these negros and take the world by storm...
I am currently addicted to Twitter and have found a new love for a webcam... nothing raunchy though.. just meeting people...
I am loving and embracing life and the world around me... things aren't always the best but hey ... I am living and that is good enough right.
Follow me @Queen_AG....
LIVE LAUGH LOVE

2009-06-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

what would make me want to blog at 12:34 in the morning.... Idk .... couldn't tell you honestly.... yeah I know lets stop lying....

lets set the mood here or more so just get the scenario of what is going

I am sitting out side on my breezeway drinking wine and blogging under the moonlight watching cars drive by listening to music.... mostly just go rock bottom on repeat.... for those who don't know that is Pleasure P's song with Lil wayne... I love lil wayne.. I remember last summer anticipating his album Tha Carter 3 to come out and how me and my "ex"- boyfriend listened to it all summer long.... that is all we had in the cd player in the car all last summer.... everyday...my mind is so clear right now... I feel completely real right now ... I know I haven't blogged in so long but I have been working on my book... coming soon.. it is going to be great it is going to be a book for young women to read to motivate them to stay focused and keep going and never let anyone, not even a man stop them and hold them back .... but i have also been working too.... I finally got a job ... it is not my dream job ... just a part-time at Red lobster... the Lord is good he heard my prayer and blessed me and I am so thankful. .. i feel so mellow right now.... it feels good ... you know not to have a care in the world ... not worry about anything...my ex went to the movies tonight with another woman ....not a date... but Idk how to take it ......like lately i have been trying to control my emotions and function like a normal person.... I have been doing pretty well as far as trying to function and getting use to it ... you know making it a normal part of life...i went to go see the hangover tonight... man it was funny as hell.... they had the dude in it from Old School who was the wedding singer in old school as the wedding singer in the Hangover.... he was funny as hell again... my ex got me hip to that movie and now it is one of my favorites..... I am so beyond words right now where I am .... I feel good though....

we said we would be friends and I honestly wasn't quite sure about it... i have never been friends with one of my exes ever.... so i didn't know how to take it ....but lately I have been doing very well with it.... i STill am ... I am completely ok with the fact that he went to go see a movie that we should have went to go see together ....the hangover is one of those stupid movies that me and him would watch together .... and we didn't even go see it together.. he went with another female.... I don't know how to feel honestly I don't ... I am not angry or sad I actually feel blank... lol... as funny as that sounds...i keep thinking i am going to cry but no tears come out so I stop acting... I stop making a scene as he always tells me..... I am just chillin.... you know...but the movie was great.... real funny.... transformers was better though.... me and him went to go see transformers... which was way better than the hangover.... it was great, phenomenal..... I guess he is ready to move on maybe i should too.... maybe that is how I should take everything.... as a key to just move on with my life and search for the next guy that will end up breaking up with me cause I am too much for the to deal with.... it is so not fair why can't i find someone who loves me for who I am and they are just happy with who I am .... My life is taking new strides and I am so happy because of it.... so maybe something will work out.... I could probably type all night but that is not what I want to do... so goodnight world til another day
"

Boredom: Jon and Kate fiasco, Graduation Celebrations, Chinese Imperial Dogs

2009-05-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

I survived graduation and both my roommates family and my man's. It has been a good past 3 days and I have enjoyed the festivities. I am so ready for everything to get back to normal now in normal....lol. I am proud of all of my "friends" who graduated yesterday and wish them all the best. I was a little down that I couldn't share in the enjoyment because I didn't get that ceremony yesterday but I made it through without being to sad about the whole thing. I got over my irritation from the other day once I finished all of my finals and was able to party with everyone else. Good Times.

I am really bored right now trying to find something to get into. Today is my man's birthday and we spent the majority of the day together with his mother and sister, whom I enjoyed a lot. I am happy for everything he has done in the past two days. His fraternity brothers are throwing him a birthday party tonight. I pray for no mischief and safety. But I know that everything should be all well.

I have been on twitter and on the Internet just trying to keep myself busy. So I have been completely intrigued by the developing situation with Jon and Kate from the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8. So this is my theory on the situation. I feel like he very well could have been spending time with this other woman, but I don't believe that he had any sexual contact with that woman. I have read all the reports and seen all the pictures. I believe that the other woman and her brother are starving for a little 15 minutes of fame and trying to blow the whole situation out of proportion. You must be aware of your surroundings and the people you allow in your surroundings. And how do you cheat on someone you have 8 frikkin kids with, the idea is completely crazy to me.

Next, I have been online looking for the dog that I want to get. Yeah I know I have to find an apartment first but I just wanted to look at the different breeds and see which one's I like. I liked a lot of the little dogs I saw but it was one in particular that I really like, a Chinese Imperial Dog. It was the cutest thing I have seen since my childhood Yorkshire Terrier. It is a special breed and so it is kind of expensive but well worth the money... hint hint! lol.

Oh well done blogging for the night. Need to go figure out what to do with the rest of my night besides sit on this computer... Adios

I Have Arrived on Twitter

2009-05-07T01:43:00.000-07:00

Not since the introduction of facebook and myspace have I been so addicted to a social web service, but twitter is like kind of crazy. Like at first I really thought it was stupid, just dumb statuses between people who choose to follow you, but tonight I watched my friend on her page and I was like semi-intrigued by the website.
It still may very well be the dumbest thing on the net, but it is very informative and it just is kind of cool to see who you can meet sometimes. I feel like might as well catch on now before it blows up and becomes this overly ridiculous craze that just becomes out of control like facebook and myspace. It is funny cause there are a lot of people that aren't hip to twitter. Mostly cause they feel like it is a way to keep people in your business and it is just a stupid status website constantly letting people know what you are doing, but I feel like it is the same thing with any other social website. So everyone join the bandwagon and get on twitter.

2009-05-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

I feel a kind of relief rushing over my body all of a sudden in the past day or so. As the week gets closer to Friday and the commencement ceremony of the spring class of 2009 I feel a sense of happiness. Normally this would be a time of sadness and a semi- reality check for most, that the time has come to put childish things to the side and grow up and that you will probably never see the people you have come to know and be friends with for the past four years. For me it is a happiness knowing that many of the people I can't stand the most are leaving, going on to God knows what and who cares. Negative, yes it may seem, but I don't have a real connection with people. I have seven (and I can actually sit and count how many) actual friends in the whole world, and I mean real friends. I have met and gotten acquainted with a lot of people in my 22 years of life, and have problem made so kind of lasting relationship with at least half of those people, the rest I really don't care or will remember. To give it a more illustrative view, of all the people I have met 50% of them I will always remember and have some kind of connective relationship with (networking) and of that 50% my seven real friends make up like 3% of that.

I am so pass the drama of trying to be friends and make friends, I am 22 and too damn old to be going through some grade school shit. I am content with the friends that I have and content with the relationships I have. I have enjoyed having my blog to vent about my latest issues and dramas, no more. I don't have time for anymore of that dumb stuff. I am grown and getting ready to be a college graduate with a degree. I am destined for greatness and don't have time to be dragged in the mud by haters and people perpetrating like they are your friend, but all they are doing is trying to diminish your success. It is time to act my age and be an adult. My blessings are coming, the storm is over.

magnetic Love

2009-04-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

We attract each other like opposite poles of a magnet. This man I love and at sometimes hate with every fiber of my body. I have never anyone the way I love him. It is like he refreshes me and makes me whole sometimes. I don't know what all the arguing and anger comes from. Sometimes I believe that we are complacent in our problems and never really take the time out to solve them. Do most successful relationships go through this? What does it take to be happy and make someone happy for a lifetime?
I look forward to spending my life with this man, but today was just further proof that we are meant to be together. There is no explanation for why we stay and never want to leave. Although it is so easy for us to call it quits in a second flat, we can never let it go. I feel like we are literally like magnets, drawn to each other and that just like magnets we come together. We were meant to be together and we would be regardless to how different things would have been in the past. I believe God designed us like magnets so that we could draw the other closer until we were together. Well I am happy to be a magnet.

My Monday

2009-03-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

I keep missing out on blogging. It is hard now with the new (refurbished) computer. I don't really bother with getting on the Internet for no reason unless it is school related. have been kind of stressed lately with planning and getting things in order in my life. I have this event I am planning for my business fraternity. We are having an art auction benefiting the Children's Hospital of Alabama and the sickle cell program. I almost feel overwhelmed and helpless cause I am not mobile so I can't get as much done as I liked to, but there is a lot left to get done.
I am unhappy about not getting this job on Friday. It almost seems helpless, and I continually keep losing my faith in the situation. I know things will get better when I am feeling good but when things are bad it just feels real bad. I don't understand why I can't get a job. All I am looking for is like a little hourly waged job, nothing for real, just something that I can get some hours and save some money. I pray things will turn around.
I feel like now I am ready to make a turn around in my life and try and do things differently, maybe I will get better results (and maybe that is the whole point of all of this struggling). I am so ready to be independent and driving, working and saving money, paying my bills off, and just generally getting my ish together.
I have endured some hard times in my relationship with this man and I am in there for the long haul. He completes me and loves me and gets on my absolute last nerve all in the same breath, but there is no one else I would rather allow to get on my nerves but him.
I am so ready to be done with school. Having all of these projects and test is so for the birds. Can't wait til August.
I feel some kind of relief in my life today, but I am scared it is just temporary.
I really want a puppy, something to call mine and to have. Today I got to see a friend of mine's new baby. He was adorable, I want one. But I am definitely not ready for that responsibility or that whole losing out on sleep, I am a major B when I don't have any sleep.
I have however been taking Vitamin B12 and it seems to be doing like my cousin said it would. I seem to be less tired, I don't necessarily have more energy but I am less tired.
Things are ok right now, guess I will go to class.

2009-03-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

For everyones information... my blog is my blog . It is what I think, and feel, it is what I am going through and my life. I write to vent and get things out and make myself feel better. It is just like writing things out to get them off my chest so I won't say anything wrong out of my mouth. If you choose to read and be offended or mad or bored, don't read. I don't do it for the readers I do it for myself because it helps me communicate what I am feeling at the time especially when I feel like my life is too much and I have a thousand feelings and thoughts in my mind. Take it as it is or understand that this is me and this is how I handle things whether what I am saying is truth or not it is what it is .
Also half ass answers aren't worth shit. I am very thorough with everything I say and very detailed. I hate when people say whatever or blow me off like what I am saying is not important. I am serious about me and my feelings and I would love to be respected, however you cant always get respect from everyone.
So don't come at me with half ass responses to what I have to say .... I supported the fact that what I said is just an allegation and that I was not necessarily supporting it but I was analyzing all the details. Get it right!!!

Barack and Michelle

2009-01-21T20:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was truly a monumental day. I enjoyed being able to sit in the warmth of my house and watch the Inauguration of our 44th President Barack Obama. He is such an influential man and I am so happy that he is the new President. Him and his family are just so cool and have so much swag, they are a gorgeous family together. I love Michelle Obama, she is a beautiful, strong, independent black woman. They are just such a great family to aspire to be like. His speech was so good and I liked how he addressed everything and everyone, like worldwide. I love how his wife is always right by his side in everything that he does and how you can tell she is so supportive of him and everything he does. Yesterday when he was sworn in and she stood by his side and held Former President Lincoln's Bible for him she just looked so proud of her strong man, and she was happy to say that that is her husband, the President of the United States. I want that. I want someone to love me like that and I want to be able to love someone like that. They way they look at each other you can tell that they are just so in love and there whole family just looks so loving. I want that all one day, maybe not the whole campaigning for two years and becoming the President, but that whole being supportive of my man whatever he does ( even if he decides to be the President), and having a loving family and knowing that everyday he loves me and appreciates me for who I am and not what they wish I would be. I want a man to look at me and love me and say things like you are my backbone and my heart, the love of my life. I want to be the Michelle to some man's Obama one day and have that same love and devotion and support and trust. I thought I would be able to experience that but maybe if I pray enough God will bless me with that someday. I didn't cry during the swearing in ceremony, but I cred for a good ten minutes when Beyonce performed "At Last" by Etta James ( which is by the way one of my favorite songs and I have been planning to walk down the aisle to it since I was 14) at the Inaugural Ball and Barack and Michelle danced together. It was such a romantic and beautiful moment. I feel like under President Obama's administration that all of us will be able to experience some kind of beautiful moment over the next four years. I look forward to the next four, hopefully eight years and I know that We all shall over come.

Oh yeah I like the benediction to especially the part when he said " black won't have to get back, brown can stick around, yellow can be mellow, the red man can get ahead man, and white will do what's right", or something like that. I thought it was appropriate, that man walked with Dr. King and got to see all the hatred of the time. For him to be able to be alive and give the benediction at the Inauguration of the First Black President was truly monumental. I don't just love Obama because he is a black man, (honestly he is multi-cultural) but because he is so influential. When he speaks you feel him and ever word he says and you really feel a sense of motivation. He is a really driven man, and it shows cause he won something that no one thought he would. I will end off with this which was a quote I heard yesterday in the midst of all the things related to the Inauguration that I watched, " Rosa sat so Martin could walk, Martin walked so Obama could run, and Obama ran so We can Fly"!!! Yes we can... all of us!

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day... a day of Peace, Clarity, & Happiness

2009-01-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

My day off from classes, I sit and I just reflect on everything that is going on. I am having difficulty typing, yesterday I broke my nail all the way down to the meat of my finger and it is a swollen and bloody so it hurts like hell to type. I woke up this day from a text message from my roommate who is on her way to Washington D.C. for the grand Inauguration of Barack Obama. She always ponders the things that neither one of us have the answers for. Like how is it some females can get whatever they want from men. It is almost like they pimp them with the goodies, but yet they say they are not sleeping with them. Yeah sure, nothing in this world is free, everything comes with a price. So if some man decides he wants to give $160 out of his pocket for you to go out of town then something has to be going on. I dunno, I can't judge no one, I do know she is getting everything under the sun that she asks for; money, phones, clothes, eating out three days out of the week, the list could goes on. This is my roommates best friend, she is a sweet girl, who loves to party and has an obsession with men and their attention. We have sat for years and tried to analyze her situation and why things are the way they are for her. Is she smarter than us or is this just something she is just fortunate to acquire. Who knows, only God.

I ponder my relationship and why it seems that I am having trouble trusting now. I have given this man all of me and all of my trust, however, it seems that in the light of the situation that it has become hard to trust him. I sat and I thought about this all morning, and it comes from the fact that I believed that he was my knight in shining armor and that he would never do wrong by me or hurt me and because of all the pain that we have been through lately it has been hard to see that fact. It hurts to think that he is capable of hurting, before I knew he wasn't and didn't believe he was, now he has shown me a new side of him that I didn't want to be exposed to. I still love him and still want to be with him, I believe deep down he can most definitely regain my trust, it is not that far gone. I guess what made me think about it was the fact that I have always had little thoughts about what he does when he is not with me and when he is out and about. Yeah I have thought of the things that could be going on, but before I would never allow myself to believe what is going on like maybe I am trippin. Now it seems like he is more prone to do the things that I never believed he would. I am scared of him being with other people, and I am scared of how I will handle it (if it happens). I know that he has trust issues with me, I would never ever cheat on him or even now go behind his back and talk or do something with someone else. He still does his little jealousy thing he has always done with me, even with us not together, and I let him, it makes me feel like he still cares enough. But maybe it is him being selfish too. I don't want to give up on him. In my heart I still hold on to him. Sometimes I want to just listen to my mind and not my heart, those are usually the times when I feel like I have wised up and that I am no longer going to wait and I am through with the whole situation and I am going to move on. But my heart it tells me to stick in there and that all of this is going to be worth it in the end. I know that he loves me and I know he knows that I love him. We would do anything for one another and sacrifice anything. He told me the other night that he feels that he has to re-evaluate things again, like what is important to him. I was apart of those things he has to re-evaluate, he is not sure anymore that I am what he wants. Yeah, this was disappointing for me and yet I accepted it, that is all I can do for him. It is crazy that 4 weeks ago I still mattered to him and was still important to him and was apart of the things that he wants. I have to let him be a man and figure things out for himself, so I will.

Everyone has problems, every relationship has problems. I don't want to be blown off because he has problems, and sometimes I feel like that. I just wish that he understood that if he really wants to be with me that we are always going to have problems, things are going to get worse before they get better. We are going to have hard times in the future and not just now while we think this is pretty bad, but if I am going to want to spend the rest of my life with this man I need to know he is going to be there when the going gets tough and we have a lot on our plates together. I am here and I understand and have learned so much through all of this it is crazy. I have that clarity again, where I see clearly what is going on.

I think about today, and the history of the day. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was a man that I can't even describe in enough words. He did so much for the civil rights movement and was such a figure head for the black community. I feel like we as black people today we need a figure head again, someone who can motivate us and guide us and show us that everything will come to pass. I think about all of the documentaries and movies I have seen about what my people have gone through and it empowers me to want to be a better person in my community and prove that I am not just another black face. Being a student at a historically black university, is a privilege and an honor. I would not trade my experiences here for any other college. To know the struggle and the fight that it took for our ancestors to just have a little piece of land with one little school house on it, empowers me to want to make my university a better place. We as black people have to understand that we have so much working for us that was started by great people who wanted more for our people. Our colleges and universities, our organizations are sacred and mean so much more than just a diploma or piece of paper,or some letters across our chest. They represent a fight that was won by the people before us a fight that we don't respect. Especially the younger generations including mine, we are disconnected from our pasts but there is no excuse for how things are these days. We all should want to be better black men and women, and not just black people but all people. Of course, everyone is not going to see it that way, and that is what makes me so mad with black people and well people in general. Some people don't understand the legacy that they are apart of. I think about all of the HBCU's especially the older ones who like mine were founded back in the late 1800's at a time when black people were still being lynched and beaten just for being black. This was a time when it was not accepted or even thought of of black people, ex slaves, having the same education as white. My mother was only a year old when Dr. King gave his famous speech, I wasn't even a thought at the time but even though we didn't live through the same struggle that the people of the 60's did we are forever impacted by his work. I ever so excited about the inauguration tomorrow. YES WE CAN!!! I believe that Obama can be that figure head for the black community, along with the entire country. For my generation and the generations of the people who witnessed first hand the violence and hatred that black people have had to endure, to see the election and inauguration of Black President is beyond what any word in Webster could describe. I am so proud and happy to have played a part in this historic event and I am so happy to sit here on the day dedicated to a man who's word and actions have made this day possible.

Day 2 ... Schools in Session

2009-01-13T10:51:00.000-08:00

So the first two days of classes have been going good so far. I have still been on the constant prowl of finding a job. Today I have once again sent of two resumes to what will be my future current job, hopefully. I have been happy and have been blessed. I have been able to enjoy the company of good people and get some things off my chest.
With our new relationship started my man and I have been doing really good. However, I think that I have a fear of dealing with rejection from him again. For him to tell me that he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship because he enjoyed being single and not listening to rules was crazy. I never expected for him to ever get to that point and he always said he wouldn't especially after his whole fraternity thing. That was a worry of mine before it even happened and he told me that he wouldn't. Dealing with the realization of that made it easier for me to accept the whole thing of us maybe not getting back together. His problem was he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and fortunately and unfortunately that is so not how the world functions. I guess now that we are back good again and back to normal, like I am just scared of being pushed away again. Like I am scared to make myself vulnerable with him cause I don't want to be put into the same position that we just got out of. I don't want to get my heart broken. We kind of talked about it and he told me that what I feared was not the case. I feel better about it. I trust him. If he was to ever break my trust I don't know what I would do. It has taken a lot for me to fully trust him like I do and so it would be devastating. Now we are good and we have been working on our relationship and what not, so I am happy.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with my room mate and a friend of mine. It was a conversation we have had many times before. Basically the part that I wanted to reflect on my blog is the fact that sometimes people believe they are better than other people and just because you are in a position that I want to be in does not mean that determine my fate in anything that I do. Nobody can determine fate for someone but God, he is the only one who knows. I go to a medium sized university and so you could almost know everybody but you more than likely not. The point is that some people of certain groups of people think that they can look down on people and judge them and determine their fate. However that is not the case I don't need these people to determine anything for me. My favorite thing to say is that you are no different from and if I cut you, you will bleed red blood just like me.

First Day of Class

2009-01-12T05:02:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day back to classes for me for the spring semester, the last semester of my undergraduate career. I pray that everything goes well today and that I really don't have to face anymore hell out of my University. I look forward to getting this semester through with and working on me and not so much worried about tests, papers, and projects. I will be working very hard this semester, it's my last chance to pull my grades up and I am taking a plethora of classes that I am really not looking forward to taking at all. I am no good in math I just don't understand it and the higher you matriculate in your education the more complicated it becomes. I hope I can make it through these two classes today. I have a lot to do today on top of going to the four classes I have. I still need to find a job , I think I will try on campus and see what is available. I need to find out about this test that I can take to get an automatic pass in a class so that I will meet my graduation requirements. I need to go to the post office, and I need to figure out where and when the hell I will receive my refund check. Sounds like a load of fun.... not at all. Well here I go world off again, Seven semesters down and hopefully one to go!

2009-01-10T08:39:00.001-08:00

I am human and at times we all fall back and go astray from ourselves. I am so upset with my current financial situation and I am so upset with being unemployed I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and I finally just got up and said why not start your day since you can't sleep. I stay trying to be proactive in finding a job, trying to stay one step ahead of the game and yet I have not been contacted, not by phone or email, by anyone about an interview or anything. I think it really depresses me. I woke up today and I decided to go back to a good habit I had started for myself, reading my bible and praying every morning. I have gotten away from doing that, and it upsets me. I almost feel hypocritical, the Pastor is always talking about those people who only go to the Lord when they want something or when they are going through something. I am not that person. I had been doing really good with reading my bible everyday and praying all day long ( it was really like twice a day and at every meal, but it felt like it was all day), and I felt at peace when I did it. Like my days were hard yes, but waking up in the morning and being able to breathe another breath felt good and to be able to give thanks to the one who allowed for that to happen felt good. I had mentioned once before that I am not one of those super religious people, and I am not, I have a strong faith in God and I know what he can do for anyone not just myself, as long as you have faith in Him. Having God in my life gives it some kind of purpose, I think about all of the people who walk around and wonder what is their purpose in this world, and only God knows that. Living my life with Him in it allows me to see that purpose everyday a little bit clearer. I know that He will deliver me out of this rut I am in right now, He has delivered me from so much in the past and has allowed me to be strong and press on and work through things. I know that if it be in his will I will get it together and get a financial blessing, and then I will be able to put into effect all of the plans that I have for myself for the future. I know that I can't worry about my phone bill getting paid next week or what I am going to do once the food runs out, or how I plan to pay for my books this semester which I know I desperately need. I am not worried about it cause I know that God has my back and will provide for me. He always has.

All things come to pass

2009-01-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

The search for a new job is really hard and it is starting to take a toll on me spiritually. I have been trying to stay positive and trying to stay proactive on my search for a job. It is so hard and maybe it is just me cause I am being picky, I refuse to just work anywhere. My dream job right now while I am in still in school would be to work as an office assistant or a receptionist doing regular clerical work. However I am open to retail, sales, and hotels. I am desperate and maybe I should not be so picky, but I have filled out over thirty applications in the past week and have sent off about five resumes and I have yet to be contacted back, I just don't know what to do anymore. My phone bill is due next week and clearly I won't be going to inauguration like I thought I was going to be able to and I am pissed about it. I have no money saved and don't even have a bank account with a 0 balance to show for anything. I don't want to say I am stressed or worried but honestly I am. I don't know how to survive right now. I do know everything will work out and everything will come together by the grace of God. All I can do is pray about it and hopefully my prayers will be answered soon. On top of the unemployment situation I am still dealing with my future graduation situation. I hope that everything works out with too, cause I really don't want to go off on these people at this school. Yeah that is not the right thing to do, but for them not to let me participate in the relationship for something as stupid as a physical education class that I was told I did not have to take then yes I am going to go off in a big way. But I am not really worried with that cause I know that God will take care of that he already has it in the making, cause He knows too.
Other than the few disappointments that I face my life is good, my relationship is good and I can say that I am happy and don't have a real worry in the world. Despite the fact of having no job and not knowing if I will graduate I know that I will be taken care of and that I will never have a want for anything. I have so much clarity of what I want and where I want to go. I am happy with myself and my situations. I know that everything will be great for me one day and that I will have everything in my heart that I want. I am excited about my future and excited about my future with the man that I love. He has been great, we have spent about a week together and it has been good, we have really enjoyed each others company. I know that him and I together we can make it through anything and can do anything. I am happy blessed and fortunate to have all of those things in my life.

Clarity for the New Year

2009-01-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

It has been a minute, but I truly enjoyed my time at home. It was completely relaxed and I got to catch up on some eating of some good soul food. I got to spend time with my brother and sister, who I love so much. I also got to spend some quality time with my mom just talking about random things, but I enjoyed it anyways. I got to see my friends and their families who I have not seen in a year cause I have not been home in a year. I received a lot of clarity on my nine day trip to Cleveland I got to really spend time with myself at home, a place that is comfortable, and really figure things out. I got to catch up on things that I love to do like crocheting and playing video games with my brother and sister. I did a lot of praying and asking for God to take away all of my stress and my worries, in fact I have been praying this same pray for like a month now, but I can finally say I feel relief in my life. I feel like I don't have anything to worry about, not a job, graduating, my relationship, not anything. Along with that I got some clarity in my life about what it is that I really want. I want so much and want to do so much with myself. I figured that I will stay here in Huntsville after graduating I am prepared to get my own apartment and with the blessing of my grandparents it will be fully furnished. I plan to have job offers by March and to begin working before the summer ends. I plan to save enough money to pay up at least 3 months of rent for my new place. I am excited about starting my own life on my own, but I am also very terrified. As far as my relationship, well I have such a better understanding of so much and I think that he really understands me, at least I hope he does. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now a days I am slowly accepting the fact that that may not be the case and I guess I am OK with that. Him and I had made so many plans about what we would do after graduation and we are suppose to move to the same city together, different places of course, and it is suppose to be us against the world. I would really love to have that instead of having to do everything on my own. We had an interesting conversation the other day and it brought light onto something that I didn't want to accept for the longest. He has gotten comfortable with being single and living and doing what he wants to do and not having any rules to follow. I figured this would happen. I told him a long time ago that this would happen, and it did. I told him that I would wait for him but the time is limited. I am not going to wait around for him to decide when it is convenient for him to be in a relationship, it is so not fair to me, and I think deep down it makes me mad. Like he would always tell me that he would never get like that when I would bring it to him before and now it has been proven that it can happen. I accept it though cause that is where I am in my life right now. I am changing the things that I can change and accepting the things that I can not, and that is something I have no power or control over. Besides I have to let him make the decision on his own, I have to let him be a man. But I know that I will not sit around and continue to wait and live by the rules if he is not. When we were together we had a rule about going out to clubs and dancing with people, we never do it. Since we have not been together he has just been out dancing it up and doing whatever he wants. It made me so mad when he told me I wanted to go off and do my usual but I didn't I listened to him cause that is what was needed. By the end of the conversation we had I told him that he needed to figure out what was more important to him, partying and doing what he wants to do and not living by the rules of a relationship or being in a relationship with someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't know which one he will pick, he still has not really thought about it and came up with an answer yet. But I told him that hopefully he will make the decision and I will still be here. I am not ready to move on with my life to another man but I am not going to sit around and waste time on someone who does not want the same things that I want or who wants to have their cake and eat it too. I want to settle down and have children and have my own family and things and what not. I am ready to grow up. I want someone who understands that in order to get what you want sometimes you have to sacrifice and put things on hold or grow up and that you have to work hard for everything you want in life. I hope that he realizes that.... before it is too late.
Anyways I truly enjoyed my New Years Eve. I just sat at home and ate and played games with my room mate. We popped champagne at the end of the night, the start of the best year of my life ( I pray). It was a great way to start the New Year in my opinion. Today I have not done to much just laying around and relaxing. I am still on the constant hunt for another job and I am confident that something is going to come up soon.
To end it all of I just want to say, trust in God and he will take care of you. I believe and I know that He will make everything OK, and that is possibly the reason why I don't have anything to really worry about. I know that He will make a way for all of my struggles and He will never put more on me than I can bear. Happy New Year!

Loving Him and Loving Me pt. 2

2008-12-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

So my brain feels like it is suffocating. I have so much going on, so much that I am thinking about right now and no one to talk to. Yeah it is kind of sad. I wanted to talk to someone older who has a little more experience and wisdom. I wanted to talk to my cousin but no one answered the phone, and so I pondered should I talk to his mother. I don't know I still get nervous when it comes to her, she is a big part of his life. A mother is a big part of any mans life. I do wish I had of taken the opportunity and talked to her, to at least let her know my side.
Right now I have several things on my mind:

I was watching The Break-Up and she said something that stuck with me... "I just want him to care about this relationship and show it by making an effort to change", and honestly that is the basis of everything, that is exactly how I feel, and if he is not willing to change should I worry about and just leave it all alone.
I want to listen to my heart but my mind is screaming leave him alone- I am sad and upset mad and crying for what- yeah I would say for love but is this what love is all about, should I be putting myself through all of this for love- like yeah I know you have to take risk in love but should I risk my sanity and health. I love him so much and maybe it is blinding me to where I can't see what is going on.
I am thinking about reasons to hold on and reasons to not hold on I am trying to make a list in my head. {Reasons to not hold on:} 1.I am sad and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, 2. He does not care anymore, 3.He is not changing or wanting to change, 4.I am not important to him so I should not make him so important, 5.I feel that maybe I deserve better, 6.after a year with each other he does not understand me yet I wonder will he ever, 7.I feel that he has so much animosity towards me, 8.He makes me feel bad about everything I do, 9.He doesn't listen to me or feels the need to put himself in my shoes, 10.he has hurt me in ways I didn't think he could or that any man could {Ok and reasons to Hold on:} 1.I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have his children, 2.I know that deep down underneath all of that animosity he has for me he truly loves me, 3. I believe in my heart that we are meant to be together, 4. we have a good connection with each other outside of the arguing, 5. I believe that this is a test for us and that God wants us to make it through this but we need to start listening to each other and what the other person needs
I trust in God and I believe in this relationship, I believe that God wants me to listen to my heart and not all the things going around in my head, so I have turned it over to the Lord but I am waiting on directions for what to do.
Am I ready to move on ? my answer no but why is it no
Why the didn't he read the whole blog that I last wrote, he said he did but I believe he didn't cause all he could comment on was what I mentioned in the first paragraph... whatever
Why does he continue on with me, why subject yourself to me if I am so bad, just stop being my friend and talking to me all together
Why does he not take me seriously
Why he does not believe that my motives from last night are not what I say they are... he hates when people try to tell him what he is doing when he is telling them what they are doing ... ok so is it ok for him to do it to me
Am I way to involved in this relationship... am I putting to much into this like will I really reap the rewards in the end or just have a big broken shattered in a million pieces heart.

I don't know what to do, but I needed to get it all out. All the things I was thinking about are just things in my head, yeah they are what is on my mind right now but not meant to hurt anyones feelings (you know who you are). It is not wrong for me to think these thoughts right? I still have a million and one things to do before tomorrow mornings flight. Yeah I will be definitely be up all night. It would be nice to have some feedback like if I was actually talking to someone.

Loving Him and Loving Me... What is wrong?

2008-12-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

I knew I would be back. Today has turned into much worse than I expected. It all starts from communication with him. I don't know what to do anymore. I just sat on my bed and prayed about it, asking God to just continue to work on us and bless us both. He hurts me so much sometimes. The little things that I do in our relationship, he doesn't appreciate. I just wanted to know if he was safe. He said I was nagging him and frustrating him, I didn't intend on that being his reaction. I didn't mean for that to be what it was. Everything that I do it is me nagging or frustrating him, and now I don't believe his mother even likes me anymore. He tells her about me and I don't know exactly what he says but she is only getting one side of the story. I am not perfect and in no way ever going to be perfect, but I try. Ever effort I put forward to show him that I am trying ( cause he always says that actions speak louder than words) it always ends up as I am pissing him off or nagging him or irritating him. Like I don't know what to do anymore. I asked the Lord to show me what it is that I need to do where I need to go from here. I love him so very much, I would give my life for this man. I dread if something were to happen to him, and then if I didn't know about it. It scares me. I have a huge fear of death and not so much as other people's deaths but my own. Since being with him I have the same fear for him to. Life is too short now a days and people are losing their lives left and right, and it scares me. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. Especially when we are going through stuff like this. We are always into it over miscommunication and I told him that we should work on that cause it is are one and only problem that hinders our progress in our relationship. He told me no. And yet this is what has happened, we have miscommunicated once again. I just wanted to know he was safe and he thought I was nagging and frustrating him. That hurt my feelings when he said that, it always does. I don't ever intend to nag or frustrate or irritate him, and I wish he understood that and I wish I could tell his mother that also. I don't mean to be confrontational with him, sometimes he just really upsets me, he never understands why I am upset, but he does. And then he never cares to understand why he has frustrated me. I always try to work on us even when I am frustrated, I try. I try to keep us talking so that we come up with a reasonable solution to the current problem, I try to change the conversation and talk about other happier things, whatever I do it never works and it gets overlooked as being nagging and irritating and frustrating. I don't know what to do, God I don't know. I asked for God to show me what I need to do, and to stay in both or our hearts as we go through these tough times with each other. Even after all of this I still believe that we will get over this and make it through all of the hardships we are going through right now. I know that we will be happy and in love with each other again someday, but I don't know how to make him see that. And I don't know if he even believes that. Sometimes I think I want to ask the Lord for the strength to move on and forget about him and our relationship but that would be my mind speaking and not my heart. My heart tells me to hold on and I believe that is what the Lord would want for me to listen to. I love him so much I would give anything and everything I have (which is not much) for us to just be happy again and together again like nothing even happened. Today I thought about the night when my life changed, the night that the incident happened and he parted from me. It makes me sick on the inside I hate it and wish I could just go back. I wish that I knew then what I know now and I wish I understood then what I understand now. I know that me yelling and cussing and fussing is not going to get anything accomplished, especially with him. He is so stubborn and he takes guard to his feelings and emotions. He has only had one real time where he has been vulnerable with me and he knows that time (no need to bring it up). I find myself always being vulnerable with him and letting my guard down for him and yet he never does that with me. I don't know what to do about that but I understand it more now than I ever did before. I understand that he likes to work on his problems by himself and just be alone when something is bothering him. I understand that neither one of us are good at communicating how we feel with one another, especially him, and I don't know if that is cause he chooses to be that way or he really does not know how to. I am trying to fix the things that I can and just accept the things that I can not change about him. I wish he would do the same and yet I know he won't . I believe he will always think that I am nagging him regardless of what is going on, I accept that, I just wish he would react the way he does. I want him to know that I never intended for any of this and that if I could I would erase all the bad from our relationship so far. We have overcome so much in a year and have gone through so much. I know we are supposed to be together, nobody goes through all of this for nothing in the end. But maybe it is not for nothing maybe there is a bigger picture here and we have yet to see it. I just want to be happy and I want to be happy with him, I want him to be happy mostly- and yet I don't know how to make him happy. I have done nothing but cause him grief and problems since he started to talk to me and I am so sorry for that. I spent a lot of our relationship apologizing for making his life so bad, I always felt it was so bad cause he would make it seem like if it weren't for me he would be happy and not going through this mess right now. Yeah sometimes I think that way too about him but I love him and I am willing and I know I am able to go through it in order to be happy in the end. I know that everything is not peaches and cream and that it will get worse before it gets better and I believe that is why I have been so committed to this relationship. I know that all of the tears and all of the pain right now will work out in the end. All of his irritation and frustration with me will not be for nothing. I mean why would we go through all of this if we weren't going to be happy with one another again. If not then all of this is pointless, all the tears and frustrations, and yelling and everything we have built up til now is for nothing, what a waste. I don't believe it though, everything will be OK and even though I am hurting right now and I can't stand him I still love him with all of my heart and I still believe. I try not to let the bull that we go through effect my whole outlook of our relationship, yeah I am mad at him and he gets on my last nerve but I still love him regardless and there is no one else I would rather be upset with but him. Sometimes I feel like he lets every situation we go through effect how he feels about me and how he views me. I don't understand cause I still feel the same way regardless to the tears and the pain, I still love his stubborn behind.

2008-12-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

One day left before I board the plan to fly home to cold Ohio. I think I have not been wanting to go home, but I think now I am excited about it. I will only be home for a week that is all I can take. My not sleeping at night is taking a toll on me, I have slept all day and I am not too happy about it. Like I could have been doing something productive with my time, like reading and finishing my book. I woke up to a wedding special on the Style Network. It was beautiful they got married in Italy and just everything from the bridesmaid dresses to the church everything was very pretty. I want all of that, and I don't know why I just sit around and watch these stupid shows they just make me sad, but they are so damn pretty. I look forward to the day that all of that will come together for me. I don't want a large wedding, just simple, close friends and family on the beach as the sun goes down. I know whenever it is it will be beautiful no matter cause I will be with the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Speaking of him I am highly upset with him. He went out last night and I texted him and called him numerous times and he didn't respond back. I am a bit of a safety worrier and I just wanted to make sure he was safe. I wake up today and I don't even have a missed call, text message nothing. I am so disappointed with him and whatever he was doing that he could not respond to me. He has never not responded to me he always lets me know he is OK and always replies back cause he knows how I am. He probably thinks that I was trying to check up on him and honestly no I was not I just like to make sure he was safe. I didn't care what he was doing, if he was doing something that I would not approve of I can't do anything about it anyways cause he is there I am all the way over here. I would like to know what was going on for him not to have answered his messages on his phone. I am really upset about it, but I know I have to stay calm.
Anyways, today I have a lot to do so I will get to it. I have this feeling that I will be back though that I will have something to write about.

Nothing to Say

2008-12-20T00:25:00.000-08:00

The past two days have been cool. I have just been relaxing and spending time with some friends. I have not been doing anything real productive but I have been keeping busy sitting around having " Girls Night " two nights in a row. I have not really had anything on my mind per se nothing really bothering me significantly enough for me to write about. I guess I am getting to a good place in my life. I am so happy and thankful, Thank You Lord for this moment of peace I feel in my life right now. It feels good to be in a good place in my life. I have not been sleeping to good and have not been reading my book, I do regret that but I have been feeling good though no real sadness for real. My ex and I have been having productive conversations with no real arguments which is really good for us right now. Although he is being quite inconsiderate right now by not texting me back, I just want to make sure he is safe. He had told me he was going out and I just like to know that he is OK, I don't know maybe that is that whole maternal thing about me. But other than that we are cool. Today I got to think about a few things:

How petty we (females) can be
How petty all people can be- why do people have to demean others to make themselves feel better, why are people so cut throat.
There are some really sick people out there - anyone who is able to kill their own child and go out to the club just days after she was reported missing is a sick ass individual-R.I.P to baby Caylee Anthony
There is way too much racism, bigotry, and negative stereotyping going on today- come on it is 2008 and we are way smarter than what we show
How much fun it is to just play cards with the girls
Why do we care about celebrities lives - like they are human just like us, and they bleed and breathe oxygen just like us... so if we don't find other people's lives (particularly you and I) to be interesting then why the hell do we care about theirs.

Well I guess this is it for me nothing to much going on for real I feel myself getting a headache, probably because it is way past my bed time and I am getting tired.

Test and Testimony... and some!

2008-12-17T23:01:00.000-08:00

Well today ... what can I say. It was not a yesterday, it was not that bad though. Today I received some bad news about something I had planned for the future and that I would not be able to accomplish my goal because of my grades. Yeah, grades posted today, and they were not bad actually. They were honestly the norm, but I expected way better, like three "A's" instead of one and no "C's", one of my teachers definitely let me down. I will go and see what I can do about my grades and see if I can get any of them changed to bring my GPA so that my future plans will still be able to go into affect. But maybe it is not meant to happen. I don't. I called my ex and he told me to look at like this, maybe it is not in God's plan for me right now in my life and that maybe He is protecting me from something in the future. It would just be nice to have accomplished that for myself.
Just dealing with that disappointment today, kind of put a lot of the things I am going through right now in my life in perspective. All of this bad stuff is still happening to me, it is almost like I am being punished. I don't know maybe I need to take another look at what I am doing wrong. Like why is all of this happening to me, it's not enough to just be broke, unemployed, knee high in debt, and not graduating. I am trying to stay positive, but it is so hard, it is hard to smile through the pain. I don't know what to do it is hard. I pray and read my bible everyday and work on me everyday, but nothing seems to be letting up. Like I don't expect for things to be easy but I just wish that the bad could stop happening to me. Like I just want to get through some of all of this that I am already going through now before something else falls on me. I will continue to pray cause that is all I have.
Today my ex asked me a very important question that I could not answer. He asked me what do I bring to the relationship. He was able to tell me what he felt he offered and I just could not come up with a legitimate answer. So I have been thinking about it all day and I am still thinking about it. Him and I have a good relationship with each other like we have a good connection with each other. I don't know if that is because we have opposite personalities but maybe that is the reason why we have problems. No, we have problems because we don't communicate effectively with each other, especially when it comes to problems in our relationship. We both have two totally different ways of handling things and that is a cause for issues we face in our relationship. I still think we are learning about each other and each others ways so we will get it down one day (hopefully).

Good Days and Apologies!

2008-12-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

I have been doing really good today. No for real thinking about a certain someone and a certain situation. I did think about the good times though. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine today about a friend of hers who is with a dead beat guy, who doesn't deserve her and treats her bad. Like for instance she got into a car accident and he left her at the hospital by herself with no way to get home. That is horrible. The whole conversation made me think of him and how I am happy he is not a bad person to me, like yeah I know I right about how bad he treats me and what not and make everything seem so much more than it is, but really he is a great guy. He has always and still is a very good person to me and he takes care of . I love it and I am blessed to have him. When I got sick and had surgery from my kidney stone at the end of last school year he took me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole night and didn't leave my side. I really appreciate everything he has done for and I know I may complain a lot about him (believe me I know) but he has a great heart and he really does love me ( you have to, to put up with me for a year). Anyways I guess I want to apologize to him for the past couple of days of tears and madness about nothing. Yeah I feel a lot better today, I was able to know that everything was going to work out in the end. The Lord heard my prayers and answered them. Thank You!!! I am still staying optimistic about this whole "real life" crap I am going through right now but everything will smooth itself out, I know it will. I got to talk to my cousin-in-law today, I think he is a great man and my cousin is a lucky fortunate woman to have met a man who loves her and willing to spend the rest of their life with her. I want that too! I think after he purposed I went marriage crazy and that has been my goal ever since. Like I just want everything to work out like a fairytale for me also. Anyways we talk a little about my future plans after graduation this year and what I have been up to. You know the same ol same, but I enjoy talking to him cause he has a good insight on things and he a spiritual man.That was my day... Good... didn't do a whole lot of anything but either way it was good! I guess I will go read my book or continue to listen to music now and fall asleep til tomorrow.

What do I do? Is love really lost

2008-12-15T21:52:00.000-08:00

My fears and anxieties are constantly in the way. I don't know what to do I just want to overcome this in my life. A break up is so hard to deal with when all you want is for the other person to love you and be in love with you and want you. I want to still be important to and be in your life as your significant other. My life is hard right now to know where I am right now and how I am feeling. Yes, I am in a good place with myself, I love myself again and feel good about myself and especially the progress that I have been able to make in my recovery. I have made changes in my life and I know what is needed to be done by me to help me get through my problems. But as far as this relationship that I thirst for I don't know how to get it back. Is it really out of my power and out of my hands? Is this another test for me to try to overcome? I don't know what to do anymore, and I hate feeling lost. I feel so lost in this break up I don't know where I stand and what to do. When I am ready to get back to us, what do I do? What are the actions that I should take to getting us back to us? There are so many questions that need to be answered and no one has the answers for them, not even me. What to do, where do I go for the answers? I read my bible and I pray about it everyday and I don't have no answers yet. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I want to leave it up to the Lord and let everything work out the way he wants them too, and I know that he wants this for me (at least I pray he does). I just don't know what to do? The left brain thing to do would be to just leave it alone and him too, why deal with someone who don't want you. You can't fight for someone who don't want you. The story of my life, I have always loved guys more than they have loved me. I have always been able to give my whole self where guys only give me what they want to give me. With my current ex I just felt that he understood me and what I have went through and he was willing to give me all of him. Maybe this is just another tale like the rest just different circumstances. You know the saying same shit different toilet. I don't know, I really believe deep in my heart that things are so totally different between me and him. Maybe I should do how I always do and set myself up for the worst, the fact of us not getting back together and him never wanting me again. I don't want to, Lord knows I don't. I want to give myself to him and live the rest of my life with him and I just want him to want the same. If I can get over him it would be good too if I know for sure we are not going to be together, like I know I can go on, I have always been able to. This is hard though knowing that you should be together and not being able to make the other person see. To live with the guilt of knowing that your actions are the cause of the empty place in your heart. I just wish I had a time machine like if I could be granted one wish it would be to go back and do it over change that night and what happened and my actions and my anger.

Friends ... How many of us have them?

2008-12-14T16:09:00.000-08:00

My life has always been a open book, especially with friends or at least people I call my friends. I have just always been so free with letting people know about my life and everything I have been through. I have been told that one should not tell everything to everyone. With all that has been happening now I have seem to shut myself off from a lot of people I use to be close with. This blog has been wonderful, like I can freely communicate my emotions and what not with people I don't know and who don't know me, so therefore they can't judge me. And if they do who cares I will never meet them in my life. The blog has been my friend where I have made my friends absent in my life and has allowed me to keep in touch with myself (and my ex who reads regularly,even though we talk everyday, he likes it cause he gets to know what I am thinking and feeling). I am really bad with keeping in touch with people I hate talking to people on the phone, I would much rather talk to them in person. My friends from high school, the Fab 5, as we called ourselves is like all I really have. I have not really kept up with them like I should. When we all left to go to college four years ago we just didn't keep in touch like we should have. However I can say I did keep in touch with two people from high school, my best friend Danielle ( The Fab 5) and my best friend Tierra. They were the only ones who I have kept and maintained a relationship with and the only true friends that I can honestly say I have. They have been there for me in my worst and they love me and would do anything for me and I feel the same about them. When I had problems at home with my mother I would go to their house and crash, I have practically lived with both of them somewhere within our friendships. They know me the best and they are such good friends, when I am having a bad day and going through things they know how to make everything feel better or at least make it sound better. We have always been able to encourage each other even though we all have had our share of bad decisions. I love them.
My best friend of over 15 years I have not even kept in touch with. She was my first friend and we grew up together, cause she lived next door to my grandparents. The point is I have bad relationship problems with people. Like I can honestly say I only have two best friends. The people I have met in college, I don't plan on being friends with them for the rest of my life. I have gone through so many friends and so many cliks, I have almost been friends with everyone on campus. But my current friends I have one group of friends who I just have been avoiding and one that I don't spend enough time with. Lets talk about the first group. This group includes my roommate whom I have known since freshman year and Ms. C and Ms. Bri. They are cool to kick it with and what not. My roommate and I have a good friendship we almost do everything together. Ms. C is a friend by association type thing she is a friend of my roommate, we just kind of developed our own friendship too. And Ms. Bri, my insane friend, no really the bitch is crazy. But we have a lot in common, sad to say, we became associates through seeing each other in classes, and then we became friends after we had discovered we had the common factor that our boyfriends were roommates. We ended up spending a lot of time with each other cause we were always at our boyfriends house so we started to kick it and what not. OK so now that I have given the background lets talk about why I am avoiding them. My roommate, we come from two totally different backgrounds; she is very family oriented she loves her parents ( surprise surprise she grew with a mom and a dad) and her sisters and she gets very emotional about that fact, me I don't have strong ties to my family , don't get me wrong I love them, me and my mom we have issues , I love my brother and sister to death (they are my heart) and I love my grandparents. Like I have been to hell and back, and back to hell again in my life so many times she would never understand, and if it is something she doesn't understand then she judges it. I have not bothered to share with her anything I am going through cause I don't feel like being judged or having to try to explain myself to her. She judged me for living with him this summer. I didn't want to, but I had nowhere else to go and I refused to go home to my mother. For the life of her she couldn't understand that, she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to go home, and I didn't want to have to explain it over and over. OK Ms. C we don't have a strong enough relationship for me to trust her enough to tell her my business. She cool to kick it with and go out with it, but yeah something is not all there. Ms. Bri, besides the fact that she is crazy as hell, she is just a lot to deal with at one time, and most of the time I don't feel like being bothered. She got about as many problems as I do and us getting together to talk about problems is not going to help neither one of us. She can't give me any kind of help, or advice, she is a great ride or die type friend and she has been there for some things in my life over the past year but yeah, neither one of us can help each other. They are all good friends especially my roommate and Ms. Bri but they all have issues with me and how I am an inadequate friend to them, and I admit that I am. I don't have great relationships with people, my fear is that I am turning into my mother. She has no friends or none that I know of. She never goes out and just has lunch with the friends or has dinner parties with her friends it always just her and her kids. Maybe that is a sacrifice my mother made to become a mother, and I appreciate it, but at the same time her life is miserable and unhappy. I don't want to be mother, alone with and angry all the damn time. Now my other friends here at school that I don't spend that much time with are the ones I made while marching in the band. I was a flag girl for 2 years in the University marching band and I have developed good relationships with some of the other flags. We are still good friends and still kick it and what not. We don't spend a lot of time together mostly cause they are the unreliable group of friends, the ones that don't answer their phones when you need them. So as far as telling them what is going on I choose not to cause we don't spend enough time with one another to get anything accomplished. It is kind of hard doing this with no one but my ex. He never believes me when I tell him he is all I have. He knows me on a level that most people will never know me and the only people I think that know me that way is Danielle and Tierra. I don't want to share myself with these people I have created some bad relationships with people and have left bad taste in a lot of people's mouths even the ones who call themselves my friends. I look at it like this, some years down the line when I am getting ready to get married will I be able to count on them to be there. I use this example cause it came about when me and my ex were talking about all the people whom we wanted to be apart of the wedding party. He had this overly long exaggerated list of like 15 groomsmen and I could only come up with like five girls who I wanted to be in my wedding, three of them who I was a little unsure of. He always asks what happened to all of my friendships with people. And now that I remember it was this whole friendship conversation that showed me that I had a problem that needed to be fixed, it was the catalyst for the events to come (how crazy is that). But he just didn't understand why I didn't have a lot of the friends that I use to. I told him cause I didn't value friendship really. But really now that I look at it, it is cause people are funny acting and yeah they are your friends one minute and the next you aren't important to them anymore. In college I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me, females are fake, judgemental, manipulative, beings they are horrible friends, and only when you can find a group who you really fit with then you can call them friends. I guess that is why I have had so many friends over the past four years, constantly redirecting my life and what I want and what I need and a lot of the time the people in my life were not fitting with what those things were that I needed or were trying to accomplish. And I guess that is where I am now in my life, once again redirecting it and finding that the people in my life just really ain't fitting there anymore, my puzzle has changed again. I know that the entire four years have not been a waste though. I have met some great people who I know will accomplish some great things, I have met and made some friends who I will stay friends with for a long time, I have met some who I will probably not contact five years from now. I met the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with and yet he is a pain in my ass, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What else can I say ....

2008-12-13T20:50:00.000-08:00

I think that maybe I have gone blog crazy. I am writing like three times a day. I have too much going on and I am still trying to work on that whole positivity thing and changing the things in my life that I can change and accepting the things that I can not. I am feeling stressed and just cause I expected to live this great positive life I guess it is just normal to still get stressed out. I am going home for Christmas. I leave on next Sunday and I am flying with Northwest Airlines. I have never flown Northwest I always fly Southwest but because of transportation issues to and from airports I was stuck flying out of the city I am in with the small airport, instead of going to closer city with a larger airport. Yeah so I am stuck flying on Northwest and they suck all the way. Like I love Southwest airlines they have great rates, and great perks for their customers such as free baggage check for up to 2 bags and you get 2 carry-ons and you can change your flight date without any cost. These are just a few of the issues I have ran into in traveling with a new airline that I have had to compare.I am rather disappointed with the fact that I have to pay to check one piece of luggage, I don't get to check that one piece of luggage for free I have to pay! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. Like do they expect people to not travel with luggage like they charge for each piece. It is inconvenient and I don't appreciate it. Like if anything, the airline should include the charge of baggage into the price of the entire ticket if they just have to charge. Hey, they making their money though I guess, whatever they are just as bad as banks, using the fine print to get over on people and making a profit. I call my ex so that I can talk cause I found myself getting really frustrated with the situation and when I think about one bad thing going on in my life I think about all the bad things in my life. I guess I can try my hardest to dismiss my problems and be positive about them and working on how to change them but I guess until something good happens they are always there in the back of my mind waiting to attack. Most of the time I just need to do something to take my mind off of it or could use some encouraging words. But anyways, I call to talk to him and he was very non responsive and really didn't help at all. He thinks that when I come to him with my problems that I am looking to him for advice like he has all the answers and I need him to tell me what to do. I know that he is not a know-it-all and that he doesn't have all the answers, but I at least look for some kind of response from him. He always just sits on the phone and doesn't say anything and when I ask what he thinks he can never tell me he is just so non-responsive. It drives me so crazy, I want him to listen but I also want him to be the person to tell me everything is going to be alright and that I should not worry about it. He could at least encourage me or make me feel better, I can't even get that anymore. Whatever, I am over it, I don't have anyone to go to and talk to about my problems, all I have is this damn blog. Like I know that if I need to talk I can always call him and I don't have that out of anybody else. Everybody else in my life either makes themselves unavailable to me after a certain time or are just completely unreliable and never answer their phone. He is kind of the only person that is a constant thing in my life, I know I can call him and he will be there. Lately he just has not been as encouraging as I would like for him to be, but just like he told me I should not place expectations on him cause we are not together. Whatever, that is a whole load of bull in my opinion. Like if you know that I come to you with my problems and that I trust you with my personal information why not try to be more supportive and more encouraging. When he was going through his little "BF" this week I tried to be encouraging and tell him that everything will be OK and I let him have his space cause I know that that is what he needs to function through a problem. I just wish the act was returned sometimes to me. I can say that if I ever need to talk I can call him and he will answer which is more than I can say for most people. I will go pray about it now and for the strength to continue to forge my way through the storm. I can always count on my faith to have my back.

Intoxicated by the Music

2008-12-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

Music. It is so captivating. I have so much respect for real recording artist cause they are able to escape the real and release their stresses and emotions through a medium that all people take part in. They get to share a part of them that most people don't get to share. I love music, I love listening to it. I grew up with music all the time. I played clarinet and I sang in the school choir. Music is so expressive and it can touch so many people in their every situation. I have been listening to music all day long ( which is really good cause I have not watched TV all day and it is Saturday). I have found a few songs today that have been able to really kind of explain how I am feeling and what is going on with me and this whole relationship thing. Let me just say that this break up ish is hard and is for the birds. Beyonce's new CD "I am Sasha Fierce" is phenomenal. Like I had only been listening to the second CD with all the fast songs on it but today I looked up the lyrics to the songs on the first CD and I noticed that a lot of them related to me or how I am feeling or how I want to feel. It really is a great CD and I feel stupid for neglecting it for so long. I have been listening to it mostly ( for like the past 3 hours) while I clean up and do my hair. All of the songs on the CD really hit home for me in some way and they are just so beautiful by themselves. Beyonce is such a truly talented singer in my opinion. Most songs that I like or that I have in my top songs I like them cause I can relate to them in some way or I connect with the message of the song. Like yesterday, I had to make a reference to the Plain White Tee's " Hate is a Strong Word" song ( I love them by the way) cause that was how I was feeling at the time. One thing that I can say for me and my ex is our love for music. It is like a release for us (well at least for me). Listening to a good song can bring out so many emotions, you could cry or dance around your apartment half naked like in Risky Business., it can uplift a situation and change moods. I know like when I am at a wack party and the DJ really sucks like it will just take one of my favorite party songs to come on for me to get in the mood and ready to party.
But anyways, the first song that touched me and how I feel or how I want to feel is Beyonce's " Disappear" The song say: "If I begged and if I cried, would it change the sky tonight? Would it give me some light? Should I wait for you to call? Is there any hope at all? Are you drifting by? When I think about it I know that I was never there or even cared. The more I think about it the less that I was able to share with you. I try to reach you I can almost feel you. You're nearly here and then you disappear. And when I lie all by myself I see your face an I hear your voice. My heart stays faithful and time has come an time has passed. If it's good it's got to last, it felt so right."
The next song from the CD would have to be "Broken-hearted Girl", (right how typical of me). " If everything about you never were, the nothing about you could have been. But still you live inside of me, so tell me how is that. You're the only one I wish I could forget, the only one I love to not forgive, and though you break my heart, you're the only one and though there are times I hate you cause I can't erase the times that you hurt me an put tears on my face. And even now when I hate you it pains me to say i know I'll be there at the end of the day. There's something that I feel I need to say. Up til now I've always been afraid that you would never come around and still i wanna put this out, you say you got the most respect for me, but sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me. And still you're in my heart. But you're the only one and yes there are times when I hate you but I don't complain, cause I've been afraid that you would walk away. But now I don't hate you I am happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day I don't wanna be without you babe. I don't want a broken heart, don't wanna take a breath without you babe, I don't wanna play that part. I know that I love you but let me just say I don't want to love you in no kind of way.... I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl"
I think that everyone who has every dealt with love issues should go listen to both of them.
Danity Kane also had a good song on their last album called "Poetry" talking about how the girl had been being neglected by the man and how she didn't know what to think he was driving her insane with all the mixed messages either you love or me or you don't.
I felt that writing about the songs would give me something to do and would keep me busy. It also kind of gives me a way to express myself through other people's words which is good. Sometimes we don't know how to say it and sometimes it takes for someone else to say it for us to really get a good understanding of it.

2008-12-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

Couldn't fall asleep last night. I was up all night doing meaningless searching on the Internet for nothing. Maybe I couldn't sleep cause I had took a 3 hour nap in the evening, which totally threw off my bed time schedule. I finally did go to sleep around like a 2:35 this morning. I slept good. I was woken up this morning by a friend of mine whom was pregnant. She called to tell me that she had her baby in her 8th month on Thursday and what not. I was really excited for her but at the same time my good sleep had been disturbed and I knew that I was not going to go back to sleep easily. I want to have a baby. I look forward to being someones mother one day and loving and nurturing them and raising them to be good people that I am always proud of. I guess I feel like I have to do a better job than my mother. Yea she was a good parent she did all the things needed to be done by a parent as far as providing. But when it came to loving and nurturing she didn't really do that, I always felt like I was a disappointment to her and that she didn't care about me. I have battled with that along with my self esteem and my abandonment issues my whole life. They say self esteem starts in the home, mine didn't in fact it didn't start til like high school. But whatever. Yeah I look forwarded to being a mother, I first need to get out of some of this debt and be able to stand on my own before bringing another life into this world.
I stayed up and tossed and turned a while before I just decided to get up. I laid and I thought about the bland, forced conversation me and my ex just had on the phone with him telling me he is leaving to go home now. I felt disappointed cause, that is all I got "yea we leaving now, OK then", so that is all I get. He disappoints me a lot sometimes. He always use to say he never wanted to hurt me and do any wrong by me because of all that I had been through in my life. It is crazy cause he has sat and done the same thing to me that I have been dealing with my whole life; abandonment, rejection, not being loved. I don't know I am just tired of the back and forth with him I guess. I was asking myself this morning as I tossed and turned in the bed, what is nagging and how do I do it , how do I get on his nerves so bad from just having a normal conversation. I dunno I have declared to myself to just let it all go. I am, I can't worry about him and what not cause he is clearly not worried about me. That is just so not me though, like I love the man and I know we will be together again but it is hard to just dismiss him just through this break up. It really sucks to have to continue to deal with this, but I need to get back to me and spending time with me, I guess. I need to do more reading and more time spent toward my blog, just doing things to keep me busy so that I can work on that whole nagging getting on his nerves thing. Whatever, I believe all men think women nag. He says that our relationship is the furthest thing from his mind right now and that he is not ready to move on yet, but he just needs time to get himself together and for me to get myself together. What I am scared of is that he will never get to that point. I hate to say it but, he does not have any faith in me and so it is kind of like why should I have faith in him. He doesn't not believe that nothing is wrong with him and that he is just great. Honestly, I can't be the reason for all of the problems in our relationship, and he is too damn stubborn to realize that. Whatever, it is back to me now I love him and maybe this month break will do us some good and we will make the progress needed to bring us back together after all of this. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, I hope that is true, maybe I should say I believe that it is true. We will be together again one day and we will have all of the great things we have talked about; having kids and traveling and etc...
I will spend more time on reading my bible, my book, and writing on my blog, and exercising. When I go home in a week I will spend time with my brother and sister and playing video games and not opening up any Christmas presents and being with friends. I need to do all of these things instead of worry about my relationship. Yeah I will continue to hold on to it but it can't be priority no more ( especially now that I know it is not a priority for him, it's crazy you give a man all of you and they break up with you and you don't mean anything to them anymore) I have to salvage the little bit of love he has left for me and so I choose to leave it alone and let it work for itself. Our love is strong and will make it through anything.

"Hate is a strong word but I really really don't like you" A note for him

2008-12-12T21:44:00.000-08:00

Hate is a strong word... but I feel myself using it more and more now a days. I don't know what to feel anymore. My heart has been broken so many times before, this should just be another walk in the park for me. No skin off my back, right.... wrong!!! This is a new heartache a new pain I have never felt before. It burns in the pit of my stomach and rises through my chest like acid reflux or something. It drives me crazy and makes me want to scream out loud but all I can do is scream on the inside. You ask why would you want to be with someone who treats you bad, hell I don't even know anymore. For a long time I could validate that answer with the fact that I love you and all the good and what not. Forget it now, it is all a load of mash potatoes waiting to be devoured by my hungry ass. I am just so tired of feeling like this and maybe you are right I have issues with us being broken up. I still love you and I still want you and want to be with you and my feelings have not changed and I don't know how someone can just turn those feelings off like that after you spend a whole damn year together, I guess it means nothing. Love is so crazy, like I thought I understood it but maybe I really don't. You say you love me, well it is hard to believe, you treat me like I am nothing. I understand that we are not together and that things are not going to be the way that they use to be but you and I have history, you just don't forget that or dismiss it like it is nothing. I know that I have issues to overcome with this whole thing of us not being together and what not, I will admit it. I try to go through everyday a smile on my face like everything in my life is just wonderful. You don't know how hard that is. It is hard and I never forget the fact that we are not together, I live with that disappointment everyday. I pray for you every time I say a prayer, I pray for us I pray for me. I love you unconditionally, what don't you understand about that. No break up is ever going to change that however I am starting to feel like you and there is only so much a person can take. But I will tell you what will change it ... You and your attitude towards me. Stop acting like we don't mean nothing to one another like you don't have feelings for me and what not. I am worth something and I can do something right. I am a great girlfriend and anyone would be lucky to have me. I have grown to love you and I can grow to hate you. I try harder than anyone knows. I work hard everyday, I can say that maybe I am not giving my all, all of the time but I am working hard, harder than before when I use to tell you that I would change and didn't. I just want you to love me that is all I want you to do, nothing more nothing less. Love me like you use to. I will try to give you your space so that you can enjoy your time at home this winter break and hopefully the time spent there will bring you back to me. You are right I am not ready to let go and I am still holding on.What should I do? I live my lie everyday I pray about it everyday, all I have is to hold on to what we had. "Hold on to me and I will hold on to you through anything and everything life brings our way. Bring me your worries, Tell me what you need, Love me, after all isn't that what true love is all about". ( Sounds familiar doesn't it)
Sincerely,
Ms. Understood Loveless

2008-12-09T18:10:00.000-08:00

It's finals week, very stressful. Luckily for me I got half of them out of the way last week. Yesterday was an OK day, me and my friend made a breakthrough in our relationship yesterday. We really cleared some things up and got a better understanding. For the first time in like three weeks I felt like he really listened to me and understood me and where I was coming from, and I really listened to him. I got a lot of things out after I had been doing some thinking and it felt good. I feel like I understand more about how he feels and what he is going through and I really want to work on how I always jump to conclusions about things. I really want to be there for him and help him and support him. Today he was really stressed out with his final we had and I honestly don't know if he is mad at me or if he is just upset period, but I wish that there was something I could do for him. I want to prove to him that I am changing and that I am trying to make a more positive change in my life. I want to show him that everything will be OK and that I will be here for him. Right now I am just giving him his time. I never do that, I always nag at him when he is upset and end up further annoying him, so now I am just trying to let him figure things out for himself. I believe that is the best thing I can do for him right, especially knowing how he is and how he handles things. It kills me though, cause I always want to know what is going on and how he is feeling. He tells me that I always have something going on with me and that when we were together I never took the time out to listen to him and what he is going through cause I was always so caught up with myself. I have selfish tendencies and I know this. I have been trying to work on it and be more concerned with him and how he is doing cause he has always been so supportive of me and has always listened to me and my problems. Even though we are not together right now I feel like I still owe that to him and that I still want to be there and support him. I feel that it will be a good practice for us now to get into the habit of doing the whole listening and sharing thing. I wish he would talk to me now about what is going on today.
I feel that I can motivate myself through my problems. I am can't even sit and say that I am going through so much anymore. Today was really sort of relaxed, I only had one final so I have been sitting around all day watching TV and napping. I can't worry about my situations and what is going on all I can do is to figure out how to change them and if I can't change them then I need to take them out of my circle of influence and learn to accept what I can't change. The principle taught in church on Sunday still holds true today, life is too short to waste time. I don't want to continue to waste time on worrying about things it does nothing but add stress to my life and I want to live a long healthy life. I love myself and I am happy about it. I love him too and I just want him to pray about it and I will definitely keep him in my prayers.

Inspirations from Church

2008-12-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. I woke up and went to church and got a lot done. Today in church the sermon was about "The Stewardship of Time". I love the church I go to because the pastor really takes the time to break down the bible so that we can take the word and apply it to our lives. But the sermon basically was talking about how we make plans without including God. We started out first by discussing how to seek God prayerfully or through prayer. The Bible says ask and you shall receive. The story we were reading from was from James 4:13-17, and was about how these people had this perfect plan about going to a city and making a great profit. They understood who, what, when, where, and why, which are all very important factors in making a plan. However, they forgot to include God into those plans, my pastor called this pretentious planning, when you leave God out. He also told us about presumptuous planning, where we can't handle the events of today but we want to worry about tomorrow. Take care of today first, you must live in the now and the today and not tomorrow, for the Word says that tomorrow is not promised, that our lives are like a fog, here one minute and gone the next. The purpose of the sermon was really to get us to understand that life is too short to worry about tomorrow, not to say that planning is not good, but what good is it without God. My pastor gave us a few notes of advice saying that we should go to God first with our plans and ask him what his will is for ourselves. Secondly he said that we should write our plans out in pencil and not in ink so that God can erase anything that He does not want in our lives. He finally gave us the option of sitting down and evaluating how we spend our time. He told us that there are 3 things you can do with time: you can spend time, waste time, or invest time. The thing to consider seriously is how much time do you waste. You could be spending more time with God, rather than worrying about something that God will take care of in the end anyway. You could invest more time in your daily devotion to God, instead of investing time in watching TV. My pastor said that "if you know better than do better" meaning that if you know that you could do all of these things that you may not do, you should do them and not waste time.
The service was really good and it really touched on what is going on in my life right now. Dealing with my whole graduation issue is something that I have to just wait out and let God handle cause I have done all that I have in my power to do. My cousin told me at the end of church that if it be in God's will for me to graduate in May then I will and not to worry about it now. Also at the service today a women who gave her life to Christ today as a candidate for baptism gave us her testimony. Her story really touched me and I was emotional about it cause it was not just only sad and tragic but it was also a prophecy of what was just taught to us by our pastor that life is too short. Her and her fiance were in church one Sunday and he had rode his motorcycle to church ten minutes down the road on the highway he was in a fatal accident. The week that his funeral took place was the week that they were to be married. She got up there and she told us how she had just came straight from the airport to church to tell us about this man she had met and how she had left her phone in another city. The significance of this was that the man had given her reassurance that everything was going to be OK. In light of all of this, her flight had been extended and she had no way of contacting the person who was to pick her up from the airport. But something told her not to worry about it and that her friend was going to be there to get her, and when she arrived her friend was there, and she told her that she almost left but something told her to stay. And the women from church said that was the Holy Spirit. God knows what you need before you even have a need for it, he will take care of you before the storm even hits. It is so good to know that someone has my back, when I can't see it myself.

Personal Victory #1

2008-12-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

So I tried to go out tonight and I don't think I enjoyed it, like yeah I had fun being able to be out with some old friends but I think I just felt really out of place, I don't know. And then being around all of the drinking and what not was just kind of like what is the point. It's funny I always use to drink at every party, I couldn't wait til the next one so I could drink. I don't have the desire to drink anymore and get drunk, for what. My freshman and sophomore year it was just drink to drink, no real purpose. Around my sophomore year I started drinking as a means to release tension, or anxiety, or just bad feelings all together. If I was upset I would drink. I quickly had to get out of that, that is the first signs of alcoholism. When me and my current boyfriend started talking and he expressed to me how he felt about me drinking I had it in my mind that I would not drink as much and would more so make it a social thing when I was out with friends and just have one. He wanted me not to drink altogether, none, and I told him I would. And yet I know that I had slipped up more than once and drank but I never got drunk. I have always had the best intentions when it came to drinking and being with him, I knew how he felt so I didn't want to do it to upset him and to make him happy. Now that we are where we are, I still feel like I don't need to drink. I know that he does sometimes but it is never a getting drunk thing. Tonight was just very long and I definitely felt like it was way past my bed time. I have church in the morning. I don't know but maybe this is a new side of me. That whole going out to the club and every party is old and tired and I don't need to be seen in it anymore, it never validated me and showed who I truly was. I like being M.I.A where when people do see you me they ask "where have you been, I haven't seen you in so long". I am getting my life together I want to say, if only people knew what I was going through when they see me. However, I just tell them that I have been working on graduating, which I have, but with all the resent developments in my life I have been working on that and some other things. I feel proud of myself, I feel like I am growing up and maturing, slowly but surely. This whole recovery thing is not that bad I feel good about myself and all of the situations that I am in. I can sit and say I am positive about all of the negative things in my life, Iknow it has only been a couple of days since but I feel good. I know that of course sometimes I may fall short and may feel bad about some things sometimes, but I think it is normal as long as I am able to bounce back and reflect on the positive again. I feel the change in me and though some may not be able to see it I will work extra hard to show it and show how I am feeling. Nothing is going to change in a day, and I know that, and yeah I know that I am not all that I can be yet but I am getting there. Change is always happening, it is an evolving activity. I will forever be changing and growing and learning about myself and the world. I will constantly be learning how to manage my emotions and how to deal with change. Loving myself is going to be constantly changing as I get older and things change, but it is learning to love myself through all of it is what makes the difference.

Expectations and Chapter 3

2008-12-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

Expectations, they are a funny thing. I have lived my whole life on expectations and have constantly lived in disappointment. I always expect something or expect for things to be a certain way in my life and in the situations in my life, and when things don't go that way I am always upset, mad, and disappointed. I believe a lot of people do this and it is a driving force in a lot of people having problems. I am really bad with this I always expect something and when it doesn't happen I always get mad and show out. That is just how I have been, things don't go my way and I get mad. If someone does not give me the answer that I want I am pissed, when someone does not do something that I want or expected them to do I am upset. Working on controlling my anger and emotions I have come to realize this part of myself and how I always let my expectations run my emotions is unhealthy. Someone once told me that you can expect anything from anyone but yourself. I am slowly getting that through my head as the days go by. The past couple of days have been what they have been because of my expectations that I placed on the situations I was in. On Thursday I went to a Christmas Ball hosted by a sorority at my school, it was really nice and me and "friend"/boyfriend/ex (whatever) looked really nice and ended up having a really nice time. I was a little upset at the beginning of the night cause he left me to go and greet people and I didn't expect for him to just leave me like that. It kind of put me in a rut an a bad mood but I got out of it and had fun. Then as we were leaving I made a smart somewhat mean comment to him, like we have always done with each other, totally disregarding that the night before I had told him that I wanted him to stop being mean to me and we agreed to watch what we say to one another. So he was pissed at me and called me a hypocrite, which in a way I was, and I had become upset cause I didn't expect for us to end the night like that. Because my expectations were deterred I grew even more upset with the situation that was taking place at the present time. Learning how to not expect things and not place expectations on things in my life is where I am right now. When you set yourself up for expectations you set yourself up for non-realistic thoughts and rather disappointing outcomes.
I believe that I have made some good progress in understanding me and the way that I am currently and how to change the way that I am. In the book that I am reading it tells you to take a look at yourself and the roles you play in life and a couple of goals of those roles and decide whether you are happy with what you come up with. The chapter I just completed is called begin with the end in mind. The chapter starts out first by discussing visualizing your funeral and what people would have to say about you. From the visualization you are then suppose to determine if you are happy with what people would say about you and what you would want people to say about you. I am not to fond of the idea of death and so therefore I was not to excited with exercise itself, but I still did it. I would want people to say that I was a good person who really cared about people and worked everyday to make someone else's life better. I would want them to say that I was a good motivator, great mother, good friend, good listener, and someone to look up to. Right now in my life I have to figure out how to get there. The whole principle of "beginning with the end in mind" is based on personal leadership. The book discusses how we need to use our imagination and conscience to work on our personal leadership. This chapter discussed a lot about visualizing situations and seeing how we would react to the situations. It stated that if we can work on how we handle different situations in our life before they occur we can be highly effective in making changes in our lives along with being a more successful person. It talked about using visualization and affirmation as an exercise of making changes in our lives. Also it talked about writing a personal mission statement including our life roles and goals and what we want to accomplish like what our values are. All of that kind of goes back to the beginning exercise with the funeral with establishing what your values are and what you want to accomplish with your life, you can only do that once you know what your values are.
My Affirmation: It is fulfilling and pleasing that I respond with love and self control when I am upset with people.
My Life Roles and Their Goals: Christian, as a Christian I will continue to grow closer to God by being a service to God and his Kingdom and the people around me, nourishing them with the love of God. Student, as a student I will graduated with a 3.0 accumulative GPA by being on time and working as hard as I can (never giving up or just being mediocre), and controlling my actions in the classroom. I will also learn all that I can learn and take advantage of all learning experiences and opportunities. Friend, as a friend I want to be a supportive, good listener who loves them throughout all of the drama.
One day things will be good and I will be a more effective person in society and my relationships with people. I am growing happy with the more that I discover about myself and the things in my life that I now know that I can change and knowing how to change them. I received some heartbreaking news on Friday, and yes I cried in fact I boohooed, I cried so hard, but I stopped and I took in to account that I need to look at my other options and seek out some other opportunities. Yeah having the support of my friend and having him to talk me through it was helpful but I really could not stop crying until I realized that I did have other options. I guess I am making progress, I was able to get up and not be depressed about the news I realized that all I can do is to wait til Monday. I am learning to be more positive and to look at things more positively, I know that I sometimes I fall back on to old habits but I really do see a change in the new ones that I have been making in my life. I love it!!!!!

That man! An anger release

2008-12-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

I wonder if anyone has ever thought someone was not good for them. It is so hard to say, like I don't know how I feel. I feel like I will never be trusted and loved the way that I want to be. After I get myself together where will we be. I don't know anymore. As each day goes on it becomes increasingly harder to maintain a friendship with this man. Like I love him to death and never have I felt this way before but it is hard. Sometimes I feel put down and I never feel good enough when it comes to him. Like I understand very much that this is not about him but he is a very big part of my life and he has a lot of influence in it. I don't know where I am right now in this relationship, I respect him and what not but sometimes I have to question him. He sometimes brings me down and says not supportive things to me like constantly reminding me that I am crazy or that something is wrong with me. I don't need that and I told him that and he said that he would work on it. But beside that what about him. I look at all the bull we have been through in the past year and it has always been sparked from some kind of miscommunication. We talk all the time but he is so stubborn and he gets in these little attitudes and I don't understand why. The whole reason we are not together now is because he interpreted something I did the wrong way and he got an attitude. And of course I reacted hastily but all of it could have been avoided if he had just talked to me. Whenever he gets in one of his moods it upsets me and I just want to know what I did. Like I feel like so much shit we go through could be avoided if he would just talk to me about what is going on. He professes that that is not him and that when he gets upset he just wants to be left alone. That is not how I work and because of that we clash. I am not one to just let people be mad at me, especially when it is someone who I spend everyday with and who I love. I just want him to not be stubborn and just talk to me. I don't understand what to do sometimes with him. He is a hard man to love. He does not trust me and it is not even because I have given him a reason to not trust me but because of the past and because he continues to believe that all women are no good and liars and deceivers. I have worked my ass off to be a better woman to him and for him, even now with us not together I find myself working extra hard like I have to prove that to him. A lot of the time I feel like he is ashamed of me and it hurts, like some of the things he says to me that hurt my feelings I know he believes and he shares them with other people. I am in this whole getting myself back on track and loving me and yet I feel like he is the reason why I got to this point anyway. He has been so critical of everything in my life; my choices from freshman and sophomore year, the way I am, my friends or my lack of friends, and just anything in my life that is what it is . I was happy with myself before him, even if it was artificial happiness but I just feel like what happened. I have never been with someone so critical of me, someone I feel like I have to do better for and change for. Like everything I said in my previous blog I meant. I do believe that God brought us together to show me the change. Everything in our relationship has not been bad we have had an equal amount of the good and the bad. But it has been the bad that has taken the toll on me. However, because of him I have wanted to make a changes in my life, such as I got baptised and got back in church, I stopped drinking socially, and have completely devoted myself to him. He knows that I love him and that we will be together one day, but I need him to understand what I am going through. I don't think he understands what goes on with this whole reconstruction thing. I am happy I am growing happier, but everyday is not going to be the same. I can try to make everyday the same, but sometimes I just want to be sad , I know I should not be but I am sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the stresses of life and don't know what to do ( yes I still feel like that sometimes even with all the progress I have made) but because of where I am now with myself I am able to make things happier and remember what I am learning in my book and try to reinforce those teachings into my life. It is not easy believe me but I will make and hopefully we will make it too. I just need a little understanding and for him to place himself in my shoes and live how I am living, it is a lot harder than I write about!

Searching and Finding!!!

2008-12-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

As each day goes on I grow happier and happier with my situation. I have really taken a desire to bettering myself and becoming a more effective person in society. I have really been able to take a look at myself and the things that I go through and look at why I go through them. I am in charge of my destiny and I always knew that but I never understood it, not like I do now. I control what happens to me and the decisions I make are reflections of my character. As I continue to read the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" I continually learn new things about myself. I am a highly reactive person, meaning that I am always blaming the situations in my life on the conditioning or the conditions surrounding me. I am the kind of person who has a bad day when the weather is bad. The first step the book discusses is about being proactive, meaning taking the initiative and being responsible for my actions and behaviors. The weather is a good example, reactive people let the weather affect them whereas proactive people make their own weather, they understand they are in charge of their emotions and their feelings. I have always let my feelings and my emotions run my life, I have been highly dependent upon them. I now see that in letting my emotions run my life I am not truly living life but rather being lived by life. I have no true identity with myself and can only relate to myself through my emotions and not by who I am as a person. The book discusses how reactive people use the word "have" a lot in the since of "If I only had this in my life then everything would be better". Yeah granted I can sit here and say that if I only had a job things would be better, but would they. The only thing that would be solved is a partial part of my financial woes, I would still be unhappy and would also be settling for something, allowing my environment to run my life and allowing my financial situation to run my life. I won't do that! Proactive people use the word "be". I can be more patient and diligent in finding a job instead of focusing on the negative of not having a job. To really break it down basically it address being positive in negative situations. The book says that how we react to the situations we face in life is what causes us the most problems. It says that people can't hurt us yeah they can hurt us physically but they can't control us unless we let them. I have been known to have some over the top reactions to things. For along time I accepted my craziness and when me and my current boyfriend started dating a year ago that all changed. The way I viewed myself changed because of him, I saw how he was displeased with my image and what people thought of me and it bothered me. I didn't understand it then but I understand it now. I had been living a lie masking the true problem with myself not realizing that I was living off of my emotions and feelings I was creating this false me that was not living life at all but rather being lived. I had been doing it for so long I didn't even realize it was happening. I was putting on a front, he always tells me that I always try to act all hard like I am all big and bad, but inside I am just a big softy. He knew me better than I knew myself, he saw things in me I didn't see for myself. I always use to tell him that the Lord placed us together for a reason, and now I think I know what that reason is, well at least part of the reason. I had to find myself and become a better person. I would have never had realized it on my own, but if it had not been for him I would have never wanted to make this change in my life or realized that a changed needed to be made. I am so appreciative of our relationship and feel so blessed to have him everyday in my life. The book also discussed love and how reactive people look at love as if it is an emotion a thing that we feel, when technically love is a verb, an action something that is shown. I believe that him and I show that we love each other everyday and have been doing it for at least a year now and I am so happy to be loved and to be able to love.

2008-11-30T11:35:00.000-08:00

Just when you think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel a big boulder comes and blocks the way. On top of all the things that I am going through, I have just recently lost my job. My only source of income, no matter how little it was, I can no longer depend on it. I really just don't know what to do now. Like I have so much going on I have so much to pay for and the holiday's are coming up. Like I am just so disappointed and discouraged right now, but I know that the Lord will make a way. I just have to allow myself to fully give myself to him and let him take control. I needed a new job anyway so this was placed in my life as a test to show how or if I would allow myself to be submissive to Him and not worry about it and know that everything will be ok. Every trial in my life has been for a purpose and this one will serve that purpose. No more old me who always misses the test and never gets the point of going through all of the trials and tribulations of life. I will look at this situation positively and know that it will all be taken care of. The pastor of my church once said that the Lord already knows what you need he knew what you needed before you knew that there was a need for it, and that he has already put into effect the thing that you need in your life. I know that the Lord has already planned this for me and is allowing me to go through this to show me something, I am not quite sure what that is but I am pretty sure that I will know soon enough. The Lord knows what I need and he will take care of it for me. So now that I am once again unemployed I will rejoice to the Lord and pray for my situation. I will not worry or cry about it cause it will do nothing but cause me stress, and I have already proven that stress is no good it will diminish your health and make you physically ill. I will make it through the storm with the grace that God has given me. Like they always say it will get worse before it gets better, and I will continue to pray for the strength to make it through the rain.

2008-11-29T23:12:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was a break well needed. I was able to take time out for myself and really get to be around some caring and nurturing people. I got to eat good and get some rest, along without worrying about the next assignment to turn in. I will be so overjoyed when this semester is over. I am thankful for the people in my life, all of those who are accepting of my journey and who are supportive. For those people who take the time to care about me and how I am feeling. Sometimes I demand a lot from people and I believe that has a lot to do with my emotional dependence on other people.
In my mind I believe that I have made some significant progress in my journey to recovery. I have started to read this book that my cousin gave to me on change called "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", by Stephen Covey. I am only on chapter three but the book is phenomenal, it really spells things out for you and really gives you a look at things from a different perspective. It seems to be that when you read about the situation you are going through it kind of makes it easier to understand the situation and come up with a solution. I have to now get the seven stages or the habits. The book says that habits have three things that are necessary for them being effective, that it you must have the knowledge to change understanding what to do and why to do it, you must have the skill or the how to do it, and finally you have to have the desire to do it. Without these things to make something a habit in our lives we won't be able to make effective changes in our habits to be a happier person. I at least have two of these; the desire and the skill. I know that I want to change and do things differently in my life and I have the knowledge to do so. I feel that in reading this book I will be able to study the material and be able to apply the habits to my life so that I can me a more independent individual and maybe one day a more interdependent person. The book states that interdependence is the highest level of achievement on the maturity continuum and involves not just knowing and being confident of one's self and one's capabilities, but also understanding the importance of the knowing and effectively communicating with others to be more productive in society. Also, the book suggest that in my progress I should read the book as if I was a teacher and that I was going to teach a class, so that I will be able to get a better understanding of it myself. This reminds me of when I was a little girl and I was trying to learn something in like elementary school, I really don't remember what it was, but my grandmother told me to teach it to her because the best way to learn something is to teach someone else. I believe that that principle will hold true in this situation so I have to decided to share what I have learned on my blog. I will be able to take each habit that I am reading about and effectively deliver that message through my blog. I don't know if anyone even reads these things but it is an outlet for me and it is quite remarkable to be able to go back and read what I have wrote. It is almost like an accomplishment for me to be able to overcome something and to be able to share with whomever is willing to read. I appreciate those who do read and I appreciate any feedback given. Learning how to be a more effective person involves me having communication skills, being able to communicate my feelings and emotions effectively and being able to listen. Learning how to listen takes patience which is something that I don't possess, but I am definitely encouraged to work on that ( it make take much longer than expected). The book also discusses the "P/PC Balance which the "P" is production and the "PC" is the production capability. It is expressed by the story by Aesop of the goose and the golden egg. I look at as in the world we all want the production because production is has to do with some kind of growth or desired result of some sort. The "PC" has to do with the production capability which sometimes is the part that is neglected in today's society. When people focus on on element of this balance over the other it is the cause for no productivity or neglect for the production capability. I can take and relate this to my relationship I want so much to be married and have this great " American" family with all the perks. I am willing to map out this whole event and when things are going to happen and not take the time to consider my partners interest or what they want to do. I know that marriage is something that we both want to do but we just have a different look on the time schedule. I am more concerned with the product of the situation ( us getting married) that I forget about the here and now and sometimes don't take the time to fix little things in our relationship that could one day be a hindrance of us getting married. I never look at that, and in a lot of cases I never look at the here and now. I am such a timed individual so scheduled and future oriented I forget about the here and now the time and effort needed today right now to make that future a reality. It is always good to have a plan I suppose but you can't go planning every one's life, you can only live yours.

2008-11-24T13:57:00.000-08:00

It is hard to let something go, especially when you really want it. Living right now seems to be really hard for me. I just want my love back, nothing else. It is hard to be a person's friend when you want for them to love you again like they use to.
I have been doing really good on keeping myself busy though and staying motivated to change. I have been feeling a lot better about myself and the things around me, but I have this one mishap and that is the void that I created. What am I to do now?
Love is a crazy thing, it is so strong and powerful it can destroy so many things. I have never loved the way that I have loved now. I don't have that anymore, what do I do ? I am working on getting myself together trying not to focus on the bad and just focus on me. I want it to be known that I am working on me for me and I do want to change for me and no one else. I have found it within myself to keep going on and striving high and making a difference but it is almost impossible when there is this large void, just a big black hole in my heart. I don't know if they understand this but I am dying from the inside out and no matter how much change I can make for myself it won't fill that void that is there. I can love myself and be happy with myself all I want to be, but it will never erase the fact of this missing link in my life.
Ever since I was a little girl all that I have ever really wanted was to be loved. I was not given the nurturing that I needed as a child dealing with all the different things that I was going through. I can't use that as a crutch now I have to walk on my own and I know that I understand that. Being or feeling like you are alone is hard, it is a hard thing to deal with. Well, I have been dealing with it my whole life. Not feeling good and not ever expecting anyone to ever want to love me. I didn't think that I was capable of being loved or that anyone would ever want to love me. I see now that anyone can love and be loved. I was loved, well I can't really say was I am loved. That man still loves me I know this, and I still love him. All that I can do now is just pray that he will see the change in me one day and then everything will be back to normal. That is all I can hope for. In church on Sunday the Pastor talked about speaking things into existence. He told us that the tongue is a little but very powerful thing. It can't be tamed by no one but God and it can be used to speak bad things into one's life. If you keep talking about you are broke, you will be broke. If you keep saying that you are sick you will be sick. The tongue is used to shape our lives and with the words we speak we can either be successful and blessed or a wretched mess. I have to speak good things into my life I have to understand that I am in control of my life and how things happen. So, with that said I will say that I know that I am a beautiful, blessed, loved individual, who will soon be loved again by the blessing the Lord sent me. I know that there are big things waiting for me and that I am in control of that!

The Beginning ... My Reconstruction

2008-11-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

I have never blogged before and it was suggested to me as a means of getting my emotions out and keeping my mind busy. I have been going through a lot lately and I am now currently in the process of getting better and making everything OK. So let me start with the fact that I am trying to gain control of my emotions and making myself happy.
I thought I was happy, I had a great relationship with a man who I love so much. He didn't know how to help me so he is giving me the time to help myself so that we can move forward in our relationship. It is so hard to admit you have a problem and now that I have, I need to figure out what to do. I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of analyzing of my situation. I have done some reading up on anger management and self esteem, cause they are my major problems right now. I have been doing a daily regimen of reading my bible and exercise to get myself out of this funk that I am in. It seems to be working some what.
I have always believed that things in life happen for a reason and that God has a purpose for things happening to you. First let me say that I am not any holier than anyone else. I have a strong belief in God and yes I do slip up I do fall back, but so does everyone else.I believe that my current situation is being based on the fact that I ignored the Holy Spirit that was speaking to me Thursday night, telling me to stay home and not go out. I had a strong feeling, like someone was whispering to me in the back of my mind, but I just ignored it. My cousin told me that, it was the Holy Spirit that I was feeling. But I chose to ignore it and the Lord was testing me to see what I would do. I FAILED, clearly cause all of the things that transpired from that one choice made is the reason that I am no longer in the great relationship. My cousin told me that the Lord wanted me to hear what he was trying to tell me He was trying to show the right path and I ignored his direction and because of that he had to take something away from me. I understand it all a little too much now, but it's better late than never, right.
I am unhappy with who I am, and how people view me. Nobody ever has anything good to say about me, it is always something negative. I don't know, I am a likable person but I just have certain things in my personality that I guess people can't just get with. I always have been so misunderstood by everyone around me and I can truly say that there are only like three people in the whole world who really know me and how I am. I am a handful, a live wire, a feisty individual with a whole lot of attitude, but I know that I have something good about me. I guess that lately I have not been able to identify what that "good" thing is. I have literally made myself physically ill with constant headaches, nausea, colds, and flu with all the constant stress and worry I have put in my life.
But now I am on a new path, a path to make myself better and love myself no matter what. I will continue to use my blog to express my self and get out what I need to. Not just that but I will use it to keep my mind busy while I go through this whole process of reconstruction. I need to take this time to really spend with myself, by myself. Being alone is no fun and leaves room for idleness, and "an idle mind is the devil's playground" and I have no time for the devil to bring me down anymore!