Clarity for the New Year

It has been a minute, but I truly enjoyed my time at home. It was completely relaxed and I got to catch up on some eating of some good soul food. I got to spend time with my brother and sister, who I love so much. I also got to spend some quality time with my mom just talking about random things, but I enjoyed it anyways. I got to see my friends and their families who I have not seen in a year cause I have not been home in a year. I received a lot of clarity on my nine day trip to Cleveland I got to really spend time with myself at home, a place that is comfortable, and really figure things out. I got to catch up on things that I love to do like crocheting and playing video games with my brother and sister. I did a lot of praying and asking for God to take away all of my stress and my worries, in fact I have been praying this same pray for like a month now, but I can finally say I feel relief in my life. I feel like I don't have anything to worry about, not a job, graduating, my relationship, not anything. Along with that I got some clarity in my life about what it is that I really want. I want so much and want to do so much with myself. I figured that I will stay here in Huntsville after graduating I am prepared to get my own apartment and with the blessing of my grandparents it will be fully furnished. I plan to have job offers by March and to begin working before the summer ends. I plan to save enough money to pay up at least 3 months of rent for my new place. I am excited about starting my own life on my own, but I am also very terrified. As far as my relationship, well I have such a better understanding of so much and I think that he really understands me, at least I hope he does. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now a days I am slowly accepting the fact that that may not be the case and I guess I am OK with that. Him and I had made so many plans about what we would do after graduation and we are suppose to move to the same city together, different places of course, and it is suppose to be us against the world. I would really love to have that instead of having to do everything on my own. We had an interesting conversation the other day and it brought light onto something that I didn't want to accept for the longest. He has gotten comfortable with being single and living and doing what he wants to do and not having any rules to follow. I figured this would happen. I told him a long time ago that this would happen, and it did. I told him that I would wait for him but the time is limited. I am not going to wait around for him to decide when it is convenient for him to be in a relationship, it is so not fair to me, and I think deep down it makes me mad. Like he would always tell me that he would never get like that when I would bring it to him before and now it has been proven that it can happen. I accept it though cause that is where I am in my life right now. I am changing the things that I can change and accepting the things that I can not, and that is something I have no power or control over. Besides I have to let him make the decision on his own, I have to let him be a man. But I know that I will not sit around and continue to wait and live by the rules if he is not. When we were together we had a rule about going out to clubs and dancing with people, we never do it. Since we have not been together he has just been out dancing it up and doing whatever he wants. It made me so mad when he told me I wanted to go off and do my usual but I didn't I listened to him cause that is what was needed. By the end of the conversation we had I told him that he needed to figure out what was more important to him, partying and doing what he wants to do and not living by the rules of a relationship or being in a relationship with someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't know which one he will pick, he still has not really thought about it and came up with an answer yet. But I told him that hopefully he will make the decision and I will still be here. I am not ready to move on with my life to another man but I am not going to sit around and waste time on someone who does not want the same things that I want or who wants to have their cake and eat it too. I want to settle down and have children and have my own family and things and what not. I am ready to grow up. I want someone who understands that in order to get what you want sometimes you have to sacrifice and put things on hold or grow up and that you have to work hard for everything you want in life. I hope that he realizes that.... before it is too late.
Anyways I truly enjoyed my New Years Eve. I just sat at home and ate and played games with my room mate. We popped champagne at the end of the night, the start of the best year of my life ( I pray). It was a great way to start the New Year in my opinion. Today I have not done to much just laying around and relaxing. I am still on the constant hunt for another job and I am confident that something is going to come up soon.
To end it all of I just want to say, trust in God and he will take care of you. I believe and I know that He will make everything OK, and that is possibly the reason why I don't have anything to really worry about. I know that He will make a way for all of my struggles and He will never put more on me than I can bear. Happy New Year!

Friends ... How many of us have them?

My life has always been a open book, especially with friends or at least people I call my friends. I have just always been so free with letting people know about my life and everything I have been through. I have been told that one should not tell everything to everyone. With all that has been happening now I have seem to shut myself off from a lot of people I use to be close with. This blog has been wonderful, like I can freely communicate my emotions and what not with people I don't know and who don't know me, so therefore they can't judge me. And if they do who cares I will never meet them in my life. The blog has been my friend where I have made my friends absent in my life and has allowed me to keep in touch with myself (and my ex who reads regularly,even though we talk everyday, he likes it cause he gets to know what I am thinking and feeling). I am really bad with keeping in touch with people I hate talking to people on the phone, I would much rather talk to them in person. My friends from high school, the Fab 5, as we called ourselves is like all I really have. I have not really kept up with them like I should. When we all left to go to college four years ago we just didn't keep in touch like we should have. However I can say I did keep in touch with two people from high school, my best friend Danielle ( The Fab 5) and my best friend Tierra. They were the only ones who I have kept and maintained a relationship with and the only true friends that I can honestly say I have. They have been there for me in my worst and they love me and would do anything for me and I feel the same about them. When I had problems at home with my mother I would go to their house and crash, I have practically lived with both of them somewhere within our friendships. They know me the best and they are such good friends, when I am having a bad day and going through things they know how to make everything feel better or at least make it sound better. We have always been able to encourage each other even though we all have had our share of bad decisions. I love them.
My best friend of over 15 years I have not even kept in touch with. She was my first friend and we grew up together, cause she lived next door to my grandparents. The point is I have bad relationship problems with people. Like I can honestly say I only have two best friends. The people I have met in college, I don't plan on being friends with them for the rest of my life. I have gone through so many friends and so many cliks, I have almost been friends with everyone on campus. But my current friends I have one group of friends who I just have been avoiding and one that I don't spend enough time with. Lets talk about the first group. This group includes my roommate whom I have known since freshman year and Ms. C and Ms. Bri. They are cool to kick it with and what not. My roommate and I have a good friendship we almost do everything together. Ms. C is a friend by association type thing she is a friend of my roommate, we just kind of developed our own friendship too. And Ms. Bri, my insane friend, no really the bitch is crazy. But we have a lot in common, sad to say, we became associates through seeing each other in classes, and then we became friends after we had discovered we had the common factor that our boyfriends were roommates. We ended up spending a lot of time with each other cause we were always at our boyfriends house so we started to kick it and what not. OK so now that I have given the background lets talk about why I am avoiding them. My roommate, we come from two totally different backgrounds; she is very family oriented she loves her parents ( surprise surprise she grew with a mom and a dad) and her sisters and she gets very emotional about that fact, me I don't have strong ties to my family , don't get me wrong I love them, me and my mom we have issues , I love my brother and sister to death (they are my heart) and I love my grandparents. Like I have been to hell and back, and back to hell again in my life so many times she would never understand, and if it is something she doesn't understand then she judges it. I have not bothered to share with her anything I am going through cause I don't feel like being judged or having to try to explain myself to her. She judged me for living with him this summer. I didn't want to, but I had nowhere else to go and I refused to go home to my mother. For the life of her she couldn't understand that, she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to go home, and I didn't want to have to explain it over and over. OK Ms. C we don't have a strong enough relationship for me to trust her enough to tell her my business. She cool to kick it with and go out with it, but yeah something is not all there. Ms. Bri, besides the fact that she is crazy as hell, she is just a lot to deal with at one time, and most of the time I don't feel like being bothered. She got about as many problems as I do and us getting together to talk about problems is not going to help neither one of us. She can't give me any kind of help, or advice, she is a great ride or die type friend and she has been there for some things in my life over the past year but yeah, neither one of us can help each other. They are all good friends especially my roommate and Ms. Bri but they all have issues with me and how I am an inadequate friend to them, and I admit that I am. I don't have great relationships with people, my fear is that I am turning into my mother. She has no friends or none that I know of. She never goes out and just has lunch with the friends or has dinner parties with her friends it always just her and her kids. Maybe that is a sacrifice my mother made to become a mother, and I appreciate it, but at the same time her life is miserable and unhappy. I don't want to be mother, alone with and angry all the damn time. Now my other friends here at school that I don't spend that much time with are the ones I made while marching in the band. I was a flag girl for 2 years in the University marching band and I have developed good relationships with some of the other flags. We are still good friends and still kick it and what not. We don't spend a lot of time together mostly cause they are the unreliable group of friends, the ones that don't answer their phones when you need them. So as far as telling them what is going on I choose not to cause we don't spend enough time with one another to get anything accomplished. It is kind of hard doing this with no one but my ex. He never believes me when I tell him he is all I have. He knows me on a level that most people will never know me and the only people I think that know me that way is Danielle and Tierra. I don't want to share myself with these people I have created some bad relationships with people and have left bad taste in a lot of people's mouths even the ones who call themselves my friends. I look at it like this, some years down the line when I am getting ready to get married will I be able to count on them to be there. I use this example cause it came about when me and my ex were talking about all the people whom we wanted to be apart of the wedding party. He had this overly long exaggerated list of like 15 groomsmen and I could only come up with like five girls who I wanted to be in my wedding, three of them who I was a little unsure of. He always asks what happened to all of my friendships with people. And now that I remember it was this whole friendship conversation that showed me that I had a problem that needed to be fixed, it was the catalyst for the events to come (how crazy is that). But he just didn't understand why I didn't have a lot of the friends that I use to. I told him cause I didn't value friendship really. But really now that I look at it, it is cause people are funny acting and yeah they are your friends one minute and the next you aren't important to them anymore. In college I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me, females are fake, judgemental, manipulative, beings they are horrible friends, and only when you can find a group who you really fit with then you can call them friends. I guess that is why I have had so many friends over the past four years, constantly redirecting my life and what I want and what I need and a lot of the time the people in my life were not fitting with what those things were that I needed or were trying to accomplish. And I guess that is where I am now in my life, once again redirecting it and finding that the people in my life just really ain't fitting there anymore, my puzzle has changed again. I know that the entire four years have not been a waste though. I have met some great people who I know will accomplish some great things, I have met and made some friends who I will stay friends with for a long time, I have met some who I will probably not contact five years from now. I met the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with and yet he is a pain in my ass, I wouldn't have it any other way.