Day 16: Behind every half-assing man is an enabling woman

I have come to the conclusion that I only say profound s*** late at night when I'm supposed to be sleep. 
One will only half-ass when allowed too. My mother did not accept half-assing on anything in her house..and she made sure that you understood what her expectations were just so you don't half-ass..and if you did half-ass there were consequences...period!
It is currently 1am and I felt compelled to do a blog post based off of a comment that I made on a friends Twitter post. She talked about dudes being pretentious and I decided to comment that guys are pretentious because we as women allow them to be.
Think about it, behind every messed up man there's a woman that can account for his actions either it is his mother or ex girlfriend there's usually a woman that can a be placed at fault.
I posted a picture on Instagram of basically how I felt about the comment and just simply summarized how I feel in general. We women have to do better we can not just accept any kind of b******* ass behavior from these guys, we have to stop letting them do, say, and act however they want and get away with it. We have to stop accepting half-assing. If men were forced to do better they would do better.... it's like Fabolous said "it if you knew better you do better" and they DO know better they just DON'T do better because they don't have to!
I'm not in the business of teaching somebody else's son how to be a man and step it up nor am I in the business of giving advice.... I am just merely a vessel of truth stating facts. Let's stop enabling each other and let's start speaking positivity into 1 another. If we allow them to continue to act a fool and get away with it while they are with us then when he moves on to the next he will just think hey it worked before let's do it again. Stop making excuses for the dumb s*** that he does and start realizing that he does it because you let him...and everything that he does does not always constitute a cuss out. We as women are so smart and so powerful and sometimes we just need to learn how to use our words "better"... you kill more flies with honey than vinegar.... or something like that. Speak to them and not at them they listen better...our so I'm told lol!
So women step it up so that the men can step it up...and then maybe we will have a better dating  environment for ALL of us! Yay

[PS this is stuff you should probably think about from day one when you first met ole dude....start strong finish strong...a good foundation will keep your "house" from sinking]

Day 2: life and people

"God has a reason for allowing people to walk out of your life. Trust that he will ALWAYS replace them with someone even better." @ihateqoutes
This was the first inspirational thing I saw when I woke up. As I embark on this journey this year this will prove to be very important. A couple days before New Years I actually spent a long time in deep debate about the current people in my life and who should stay and who should go. It started to stress me so I just decided to pray for a spirit of discernment to fall on me in this new year.
I think about how much time I spent last year analyzing every situation I went thru and evaluating its propose and the lesson I was to learn from it. I did that with people too...I was so afraid of missing out on something great I was making a lot of unwise decisions and getting caught up in things I really didn't have time to focus on.
Going into this new year I have decided to weigh people by what they bring to my life or bring out of me....nothing but positivity. I don't want someone in my life that makes me angry and uneasy all the time. So much useless emotion was spent on useless people in my life last year.
My natural ability to be compassionate and overly caring often traps me into getting caught up in how I feel about someone for whatever reason....completely overlooking the reality of the situation....stressing me out!
So no more lectures to people who I spent an entire year lecturing to...if you haven't got it by now you won't get it...shrugs... Still love you tho...and no more getting caught up in my emotions  about others choices...at the end of the day I must realize that you made your decision and despite how much I try to make sense of it or make you see how you could better "manage" your decisions
It ultimately is your life....I can't play a supporting cast role when I'm never cast to begin with!!
So in conclusion God has allowed a lot of people to walk thru my life in the past several years...some great some not so great but I'm waiting on those better people he has promised me.

The Baby Mama Entitlement Issue

So what the fuck is up with THE BABY MAMA'S of the world & their entitlement issues??? I'm soooo over these little young ass broads going around addressing themselves as "such & such's baby mama". First off, bitch you don't have a name? Second, you don't have an identity for yourself outside of being the mother of this child for this man? I am soo disgusted with these baby mama's getting on they high horse feeling all entitled to this man just because his sperm met up with your egg. Let's be honest bitch, if it wasn't your egg it would have been someone else's so you're not that special... you can have a baby & so can the next girl! Your uterus doesn't make you superior!

These women going around calling themselves BABY MAMAS, out here having these babies out of wedlock may be to trap a man or whatever the reason is.. They are so lost! And by no means am I judging women for having kids out of wedlock, hell my mother was a single parent and NOT EVER DID SHE EVER CALL HERSELF A BABY MAMA! But these baby mama's, whom truly don't have any other title in their life besides being a baby mama, are soo stuck! Like that's all you want in life is to be a BABY MAMA, you didn't think about maybe becoming a wife?

These little young broads are so wrapped up in that man who impregnated them, getting so caught out there with this "Baby Mama" title they have created for themselves (because let's be honest that is all you will be). I have had 2 baby mama encounters in my life and both times this young woman addressed herself as "The Baby Mama" not ohhh my name is such and such I'm the mother of such and such...nothing! My thoughts of course are that this broad doesn't think highly of herself & she is so caught up in her emotions for this man! This man who by the way has moved on & decided to start a new life with someone else. Yes you will forever be the mother of his child but YALL ARE NOT FUCKING TOGETHER ANYMORE!

Ya'll not together I don't give a FUCK     Bitch I am his BABY MAMA

Women please stop going around addressing yourself as baby mama's or even letting the father of that child address you as his baby mama... Its degrading & if you have any self worth you would never let yourself be demeaned to just a baby mama! Yes being a mother is a great accomplishment but it is not who you are it doesn't define you but it is just a piece of the puzzle that makes you ... You!

And men stop putting these broads on a pedestal just because she is the mother of your child. Yeah that's all great and dandy and yes you need to show her the utmost respect at all times because of that, but stop playing victim to these hoes and their entitlement issues! Stop appeasing to their every whim just because you need to stay on her good side! THE FUCK.. If you're a good father & you are on your shit .. That bitch should never have anything sideways to say to you... And if she does I need for yall to go, grow you a pair of balls and find a lawyer! Plain & simple! Stop letting these broads feel like they are ENTITLED to being your baby mama! If you don't know how to seperate being a father from being that womans man.. Than you need to go talk to a REAL man who has been there done that! You can be a great daddy to a child and not have a relationship with it's mother outside of being parents! So stop being victims of The Baby Mama Entitlement Issue & stop dating new girls who are willing & accepting of the fact that you have a child and also make them victims of The Baby Mama Entitlement Issue.. We don't have time for that shit!   Live, Laugh, Learn!

Summing things Up... the end of the 1st Week of Feb.

My life has made a turn for the better yall. I am working on seriously getting my life together and actually witnessing the progress. I am so grateful and blessed to have wonderful people around me all the time. My job search is going well and I have made strides to making a very good career decision. I have had several interviews with a very promising outlook. I am working and striving everyday to get back on my feet and back into my own place as soon as possible. I look forward to the COME UP that is ahead of me.
My love life ... its the usual hot mess it always is. I'm finding myself in situations that ummmm maybe I should have thought twice about. However, everything in life is a learning decision and I have managed to learn oh so much from the hot mess people I allow to be in my life. Now I say allow only because... they give me something to be entertained by with the constant games that are played yet I am the Master of mastering the Games that are being played. Currently I don't want to build a relationship with anyone whom I feel I may have doubts in only cause I'm 22 and I have a mission that I need to succeed in. If a guy is not on the same page as me or not even trying to be in the first place we can't continue on.
But enough about relationships and love. I don't want to always be that boring chick that all she has to talk about is relationships and dumb men.. that gets soo old. So in lighter news GO SAINTS. I got to watch the Super Bowl yesterday and i was thoroughly ecstatic about the Saints taking down the Colts. I will be quick to say I am not a bandwagon chick I was cheering for the Saints the whole time, however, I do not have a favorite NFL team. I enjoyed watching the game and watching some of the commercials... My favorite commercial from the whole night was the Doritos commercial with the little boy whos' mom was going out on the date. The little boy slapped the man and told him "keep your hands off my mama and keep your hands off my Doritos" LMAO... the best commercial all night.
I wish I had something to say about halftime but I didn't watch it... I wasn't to interested in The Who and what they were singing. I will say this though about Super Bowl Halftime Shows... they have sucked ever since Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed... I think they need to have younger artist perform and no I'm not necessarily asking for the hot mess artist of my generation but maybe have like a plethora of different artist to appeal to all that watch the Super Bowl ... hell halftime is like 20 minutes.
Well enough of this I getting back on twitter... twitter has totally taken over my life... its very sad actually but I LOVE TWITTER... it is my way to instantly express how I feel at any given moment. I am an Twitterhead and proud of it...lol... Anyways LOVE, LIVE, LAUGH

what would make me want to blog at 12:34 in the morning.... Idk .... couldn't tell you honestly.... yeah I know lets stop lying....

lets set the mood here or more so just get the scenario of what is going

I am sitting out side on my breezeway drinking wine and blogging under the moonlight watching cars drive by listening to music.... mostly just go rock bottom on repeat.... for those who don't know that is Pleasure P's song with Lil wayne... I love lil wayne.. I remember last summer anticipating his album Tha Carter 3 to come out and how me and my "ex"- boyfriend listened to it all summer long.... that is all we had in the cd player in the car all last summer.... everyday...my mind is so clear right now... I feel completely real right now ... I know I haven't blogged in so long but I have been working on my book... coming soon.. it is going to be great it is going to be a book for young women to read to motivate them to stay focused and keep going and never let anyone, not even a man stop them and hold them back .... but i have also been working too.... I finally got a job ... it is not my dream job ... just a part-time at Red lobster... the Lord is good he heard my prayer and blessed me and I am so thankful. .. i feel so mellow right now.... it feels good ... you know not to have a care in the world ... not worry about anything...my ex went to the movies tonight with another woman ....not a date... but Idk how to take it ......like lately i have been trying to control my emotions and function like a normal person.... I have been doing pretty well as far as trying to function and getting use to it ... you know making it a normal part of life...i went to go see the hangover tonight... man it was funny as hell.... they had the dude in it from Old School who was the wedding singer in old school as the wedding singer in the Hangover.... he was funny as hell again... my ex got me hip to that movie and now it is one of my favorites..... I am so beyond words right now where I am .... I feel good though....

we said we would be friends and I honestly wasn't quite sure about it... i have never been friends with one of my exes ever.... so i didn't know how to take it ....but lately I have been doing very well with it.... i STill am ... I am completely ok with the fact that he went to go see a movie that we should have went to go see together ....the hangover is one of those stupid movies that me and him would watch together .... and we didn't even go see it together.. he went with another female.... I don't know how to feel honestly I don't ... I am not angry or sad I actually feel blank... lol... as funny as that sounds...i keep thinking i am going to cry but no tears come out so I stop acting... I stop making a scene as he always tells me..... I am just chillin.... you know...but the movie was great.... real funny.... transformers was better though.... me and him went to go see transformers... which was way better than the hangover.... it was great, phenomenal..... I guess he is ready to move on maybe i should too.... maybe that is how I should take everything.... as a key to just move on with my life and search for the next guy that will end up breaking up with me cause I am too much for the to deal with.... it is so not fair why can't i find someone who loves me for who I am and they are just happy with who I am .... My life is taking new strides and I am so happy because of it.... so maybe something will work out.... I could probably type all night but that is not what I want to do... so goodnight world til another day
"

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day... a day of Peace, Clarity, & Happiness

My day off from classes, I sit and I just reflect on everything that is going on. I am having difficulty typing, yesterday I broke my nail all the way down to the meat of my finger and it is a swollen and bloody so it hurts like hell to type. I woke up this day from a text message from my roommate who is on her way to Washington D.C. for the grand Inauguration of Barack Obama. She always ponders the things that neither one of us have the answers for. Like how is it some females can get whatever they want from men. It is almost like they pimp them with the goodies, but yet they say they are not sleeping with them. Yeah sure, nothing in this world is free, everything comes with a price. So if some man decides he wants to give $160 out of his pocket for you to go out of town then something has to be going on. I dunno, I can't judge no one, I do know she is getting everything under the sun that she asks for; money, phones, clothes, eating out three days out of the week, the list could goes on. This is my roommates best friend, she is a sweet girl, who loves to party and has an obsession with men and their attention. We have sat for years and tried to analyze her situation and why things are the way they are for her. Is she smarter than us or is this just something she is just fortunate to acquire. Who knows, only God.

I ponder my relationship and why it seems that I am having trouble trusting now. I have given this man all of me and all of my trust, however, it seems that in the light of the situation that it has become hard to trust him. I sat and I thought about this all morning, and it comes from the fact that I believed that he was my knight in shining armor and that he would never do wrong by me or hurt me and because of all the pain that we have been through lately it has been hard to see that fact. It hurts to think that he is capable of hurting, before I knew he wasn't and didn't believe he was, now he has shown me a new side of him that I didn't want to be exposed to. I still love him and still want to be with him, I believe deep down he can most definitely regain my trust, it is not that far gone. I guess what made me think about it was the fact that I have always had little thoughts about what he does when he is not with me and when he is out and about. Yeah I have thought of the things that could be going on, but before I would never allow myself to believe what is going on like maybe I am trippin. Now it seems like he is more prone to do the things that I never believed he would. I am scared of him being with other people, and I am scared of how I will handle it (if it happens). I know that he has trust issues with me, I would never ever cheat on him or even now go behind his back and talk or do something with someone else. He still does his little jealousy thing he has always done with me, even with us not together, and I let him, it makes me feel like he still cares enough. But maybe it is him being selfish too. I don't want to give up on him. In my heart I still hold on to him. Sometimes I want to just listen to my mind and not my heart, those are usually the times when I feel like I have wised up and that I am no longer going to wait and I am through with the whole situation and I am going to move on. But my heart it tells me to stick in there and that all of this is going to be worth it in the end. I know that he loves me and I know he knows that I love him. We would do anything for one another and sacrifice anything. He told me the other night that he feels that he has to re-evaluate things again, like what is important to him. I was apart of those things he has to re-evaluate, he is not sure anymore that I am what he wants. Yeah, this was disappointing for me and yet I accepted it, that is all I can do for him. It is crazy that 4 weeks ago I still mattered to him and was still important to him and was apart of the things that he wants. I have to let him be a man and figure things out for himself, so I will.

Everyone has problems, every relationship has problems. I don't want to be blown off because he has problems, and sometimes I feel like that. I just wish that he understood that if he really wants to be with me that we are always going to have problems, things are going to get worse before they get better. We are going to have hard times in the future and not just now while we think this is pretty bad, but if I am going to want to spend the rest of my life with this man I need to know he is going to be there when the going gets tough and we have a lot on our plates together. I am here and I understand and have learned so much through all of this it is crazy. I have that clarity again, where I see clearly what is going on.

I think about today, and the history of the day. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was a man that I can't even describe in enough words. He did so much for the civil rights movement and was such a figure head for the black community. I feel like we as black people today we need a figure head again, someone who can motivate us and guide us and show us that everything will come to pass. I think about all of the documentaries and movies I have seen about what my people have gone through and it empowers me to want to be a better person in my community and prove that I am not just another black face. Being a student at a historically black university, is a privilege and an honor. I would not trade my experiences here for any other college. To know the struggle and the fight that it took for our ancestors to just have a little piece of land with one little school house on it, empowers me to want to make my university a better place. We as black people have to understand that we have so much working for us that was started by great people who wanted more for our people. Our colleges and universities, our organizations are sacred and mean so much more than just a diploma or piece of paper,or some letters across our chest. They represent a fight that was won by the people before us a fight that we don't respect. Especially the younger generations including mine, we are disconnected from our pasts but there is no excuse for how things are these days. We all should want to be better black men and women, and not just black people but all people. Of course, everyone is not going to see it that way, and that is what makes me so mad with black people and well people in general. Some people don't understand the legacy that they are apart of. I think about all of the HBCU's especially the older ones who like mine were founded back in the late 1800's at a time when black people were still being lynched and beaten just for being black. This was a time when it was not accepted or even thought of of black people, ex slaves, having the same education as white. My mother was only a year old when Dr. King gave his famous speech, I wasn't even a thought at the time but even though we didn't live through the same struggle that the people of the 60's did we are forever impacted by his work. I ever so excited about the inauguration tomorrow. YES WE CAN!!! I believe that Obama can be that figure head for the black community, along with the entire country. For my generation and the generations of the people who witnessed first hand the violence and hatred that black people have had to endure, to see the election and inauguration of Black President is beyond what any word in Webster could describe. I am so proud and happy to have played a part in this historic event and I am so happy to sit here on the day dedicated to a man who's word and actions have made this day possible.

Day 2 ... Schools in Session

So the first two days of classes have been going good so far. I have still been on the constant prowl of finding a job. Today I have once again sent of two resumes to what will be my future current job, hopefully. I have been happy and have been blessed. I have been able to enjoy the company of good people and get some things off my chest.
With our new relationship started my man and I have been doing really good. However, I think that I have a fear of dealing with rejection from him again. For him to tell me that he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship because he enjoyed being single and not listening to rules was crazy. I never expected for him to ever get to that point and he always said he wouldn't especially after his whole fraternity thing. That was a worry of mine before it even happened and he told me that he wouldn't. Dealing with the realization of that made it easier for me to accept the whole thing of us maybe not getting back together. His problem was he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and fortunately and unfortunately that is so not how the world functions. I guess now that we are back good again and back to normal, like I am just scared of being pushed away again. Like I am scared to make myself vulnerable with him cause I don't want to be put into the same position that we just got out of. I don't want to get my heart broken. We kind of talked about it and he told me that what I feared was not the case. I feel better about it. I trust him. If he was to ever break my trust I don't know what I would do. It has taken a lot for me to fully trust him like I do and so it would be devastating. Now we are good and we have been working on our relationship and what not, so I am happy.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with my room mate and a friend of mine. It was a conversation we have had many times before. Basically the part that I wanted to reflect on my blog is the fact that sometimes people believe they are better than other people and just because you are in a position that I want to be in does not mean that determine my fate in anything that I do. Nobody can determine fate for someone but God, he is the only one who knows. I go to a medium sized university and so you could almost know everybody but you more than likely not. The point is that some people of certain groups of people think that they can look down on people and judge them and determine their fate. However that is not the case I don't need these people to determine anything for me. My favorite thing to say is that you are no different from and if I cut you, you will bleed red blood just like me.

All things come to pass

The search for a new job is really hard and it is starting to take a toll on me spiritually. I have been trying to stay positive and trying to stay proactive on my search for a job. It is so hard and maybe it is just me cause I am being picky, I refuse to just work anywhere. My dream job right now while I am in still in school would be to work as an office assistant or a receptionist doing regular clerical work. However I am open to retail, sales, and hotels. I am desperate and maybe I should not be so picky, but I have filled out over thirty applications in the past week and have sent off about five resumes and I have yet to be contacted back, I just don't know what to do anymore. My phone bill is due next week and clearly I won't be going to inauguration like I thought I was going to be able to and I am pissed about it. I have no money saved and don't even have a bank account with a 0 balance to show for anything. I don't want to say I am stressed or worried but honestly I am. I don't know how to survive right now. I do know everything will work out and everything will come together by the grace of God. All I can do is pray about it and hopefully my prayers will be answered soon. On top of the unemployment situation I am still dealing with my future graduation situation. I hope that everything works out with too, cause I really don't want to go off on these people at this school. Yeah that is not the right thing to do, but for them not to let me participate in the relationship for something as stupid as a physical education class that I was told I did not have to take then yes I am going to go off in a big way. But I am not really worried with that cause I know that God will take care of that he already has it in the making, cause He knows too.
Other than the few disappointments that I face my life is good, my relationship is good and I can say that I am happy and don't have a real worry in the world. Despite the fact of having no job and not knowing if I will graduate I know that I will be taken care of and that I will never have a want for anything. I have so much clarity of what I want and where I want to go. I am happy with myself and my situations. I know that everything will be great for me one day and that I will have everything in my heart that I want. I am excited about my future and excited about my future with the man that I love. He has been great, we have spent about a week together and it has been good, we have really enjoyed each others company. I know that him and I together we can make it through anything and can do anything. I am happy blessed and fortunate to have all of those things in my life.

Clarity for the New Year

It has been a minute, but I truly enjoyed my time at home. It was completely relaxed and I got to catch up on some eating of some good soul food. I got to spend time with my brother and sister, who I love so much. I also got to spend some quality time with my mom just talking about random things, but I enjoyed it anyways. I got to see my friends and their families who I have not seen in a year cause I have not been home in a year. I received a lot of clarity on my nine day trip to Cleveland I got to really spend time with myself at home, a place that is comfortable, and really figure things out. I got to catch up on things that I love to do like crocheting and playing video games with my brother and sister. I did a lot of praying and asking for God to take away all of my stress and my worries, in fact I have been praying this same pray for like a month now, but I can finally say I feel relief in my life. I feel like I don't have anything to worry about, not a job, graduating, my relationship, not anything. Along with that I got some clarity in my life about what it is that I really want. I want so much and want to do so much with myself. I figured that I will stay here in Huntsville after graduating I am prepared to get my own apartment and with the blessing of my grandparents it will be fully furnished. I plan to have job offers by March and to begin working before the summer ends. I plan to save enough money to pay up at least 3 months of rent for my new place. I am excited about starting my own life on my own, but I am also very terrified. As far as my relationship, well I have such a better understanding of so much and I think that he really understands me, at least I hope he does. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now a days I am slowly accepting the fact that that may not be the case and I guess I am OK with that. Him and I had made so many plans about what we would do after graduation and we are suppose to move to the same city together, different places of course, and it is suppose to be us against the world. I would really love to have that instead of having to do everything on my own. We had an interesting conversation the other day and it brought light onto something that I didn't want to accept for the longest. He has gotten comfortable with being single and living and doing what he wants to do and not having any rules to follow. I figured this would happen. I told him a long time ago that this would happen, and it did. I told him that I would wait for him but the time is limited. I am not going to wait around for him to decide when it is convenient for him to be in a relationship, it is so not fair to me, and I think deep down it makes me mad. Like he would always tell me that he would never get like that when I would bring it to him before and now it has been proven that it can happen. I accept it though cause that is where I am in my life right now. I am changing the things that I can change and accepting the things that I can not, and that is something I have no power or control over. Besides I have to let him make the decision on his own, I have to let him be a man. But I know that I will not sit around and continue to wait and live by the rules if he is not. When we were together we had a rule about going out to clubs and dancing with people, we never do it. Since we have not been together he has just been out dancing it up and doing whatever he wants. It made me so mad when he told me I wanted to go off and do my usual but I didn't I listened to him cause that is what was needed. By the end of the conversation we had I told him that he needed to figure out what was more important to him, partying and doing what he wants to do and not living by the rules of a relationship or being in a relationship with someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't know which one he will pick, he still has not really thought about it and came up with an answer yet. But I told him that hopefully he will make the decision and I will still be here. I am not ready to move on with my life to another man but I am not going to sit around and waste time on someone who does not want the same things that I want or who wants to have their cake and eat it too. I want to settle down and have children and have my own family and things and what not. I am ready to grow up. I want someone who understands that in order to get what you want sometimes you have to sacrifice and put things on hold or grow up and that you have to work hard for everything you want in life. I hope that he realizes that.... before it is too late.
Anyways I truly enjoyed my New Years Eve. I just sat at home and ate and played games with my room mate. We popped champagne at the end of the night, the start of the best year of my life ( I pray). It was a great way to start the New Year in my opinion. Today I have not done to much just laying around and relaxing. I am still on the constant hunt for another job and I am confident that something is going to come up soon.
To end it all of I just want to say, trust in God and he will take care of you. I believe and I know that He will make everything OK, and that is possibly the reason why I don't have anything to really worry about. I know that He will make a way for all of my struggles and He will never put more on me than I can bear. Happy New Year!

Loving Him and Loving Me pt. 2

So my brain feels like it is suffocating. I have so much going on, so much that I am thinking about right now and no one to talk to. Yeah it is kind of sad. I wanted to talk to someone older who has a little more experience and wisdom. I wanted to talk to my cousin but no one answered the phone, and so I pondered should I talk to his mother. I don't know I still get nervous when it comes to her, she is a big part of his life. A mother is a big part of any mans life. I do wish I had of taken the opportunity and talked to her, to at least let her know my side.
Right now I have several things on my mind:

1. I was watching The Break-Up and she said something that stuck with me... "I just want him to care about this relationship and show it by making an effort to change", and honestly that is the basis of everything, that is exactly how I feel, and if he is not willing to change should I worry about and just leave it all alone.
2. I want to listen to my heart but my mind is screaming leave him alone- I am sad and upset mad and crying for what- yeah I would say for love but is this what love is all about, should I be putting myself through all of this for love- like yeah I know you have to take risk in love but should I risk my sanity and health. I love him so much and maybe it is blinding me to where I can't see what is going on.
3. I am thinking about reasons to hold on and reasons to not hold on I am trying to make a list in my head. {Reasons to not hold on:} 1.I am sad and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, 2. He does not care anymore, 3.He is not changing or wanting to change, 4.I am not important to him so I should not make him so important, 5.I feel that maybe I deserve better, 6.after a year with each other he does not understand me yet I wonder will he ever, 7.I feel that he has so much animosity towards me, 8.He makes me feel bad about everything I do, 9.He doesn't listen to me or feels the need to put himself in my shoes, 10.he has hurt me in ways I didn't think he could or that any man could {Ok and reasons to Hold on:} 1.I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have his children, 2.I know that deep down underneath all of that animosity he has for me he truly loves me, 3. I believe in my heart that we are meant to be together, 4. we have a good connection with each other outside of the arguing, 5. I believe that this is a test for us and that God wants us to make it through this but we need to start listening to each other and what the other person needs
4. I trust in God and I believe in this relationship, I believe that God wants me to listen to my heart and not all the things going around in my head, so I have turned it over to the Lord but I am waiting on directions for what to do.
5. Am I ready to move on ? my answer no but why is it no
6. Why the didn't he read the whole blog that I last wrote, he said he did but I believe he didn't cause all he could comment on was what I mentioned in the first paragraph... whatever
7. Why does he continue on with me, why subject yourself to me if I am so bad, just stop being my friend and talking to me all together
8. Why does he not take me seriously
9. Why he does not believe that my motives from last night are not what I say they are... he hates when people try to tell him what he is doing when he is telling them what they are doing ... ok so is it ok for him to do it to me
10. Am I way to involved in this relationship... am I putting to much into this like will I really reap the rewards in the end or just have a big broken shattered in a million pieces heart.

I don't know what to do, but I needed to get it all out. All the things I was thinking about are just things in my head, yeah they are what is on my mind right now but not meant to hurt anyones feelings (you know who you are). It is not wrong for me to think these thoughts right? I still have a million and one things to do before tomorrow mornings flight. Yeah I will be definitely be up all night. It would be nice to have some feedback like if I was actually talking to someone.

Loving Him and Loving Me... What is wrong?

I knew I would be back. Today has turned into much worse than I expected. It all starts from communication with him. I don't know what to do anymore. I just sat on my bed and prayed about it, asking God to just continue to work on us and bless us both. He hurts me so much sometimes. The little things that I do in our relationship, he doesn't appreciate. I just wanted to know if he was safe. He said I was nagging him and frustrating him, I didn't intend on that being his reaction. I didn't mean for that to be what it was. Everything that I do it is me nagging or frustrating him, and now I don't believe his mother even likes me anymore. He tells her about me and I don't know exactly what he says but she is only getting one side of the story. I am not perfect and in no way ever going to be perfect, but I try. Ever effort I put forward to show him that I am trying ( cause he always says that actions speak louder than words) it always ends up as I am pissing him off or nagging him or irritating him. Like I don't know what to do anymore. I asked the Lord to show me what it is that I need to do where I need to go from here. I love him so very much, I would give my life for this man. I dread if something were to happen to him, and then if I didn't know about it. It scares me. I have a huge fear of death and not so much as other people's deaths but my own. Since being with him I have the same fear for him to. Life is too short now a days and people are losing their lives left and right, and it scares me. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. Especially when we are going through stuff like this. We are always into it over miscommunication and I told him that we should work on that cause it is are one and only problem that hinders our progress in our relationship. He told me no. And yet this is what has happened, we have miscommunicated once again. I just wanted to know he was safe and he thought I was nagging and frustrating him. That hurt my feelings when he said that, it always does. I don't ever intend to nag or frustrate or irritate him, and I wish he understood that and I wish I could tell his mother that also. I don't mean to be confrontational with him, sometimes he just really upsets me, he never understands why I am upset, but he does. And then he never cares to understand why he has frustrated me. I always try to work on us even when I am frustrated, I try. I try to keep us talking so that we come up with a reasonable solution to the current problem, I try to change the conversation and talk about other happier things, whatever I do it never works and it gets overlooked as being nagging and irritating and frustrating. I don't know what to do, God I don't know. I asked for God to show me what I need to do, and to stay in both or our hearts as we go through these tough times with each other. Even after all of this I still believe that we will get over this and make it through all of the hardships we are going through right now. I know that we will be happy and in love with each other again someday, but I don't know how to make him see that. And I don't know if he even believes that. Sometimes I think I want to ask the Lord for the strength to move on and forget about him and our relationship but that would be my mind speaking and not my heart. My heart tells me to hold on and I believe that is what the Lord would want for me to listen to. I love him so much I would give anything and everything I have (which is not much) for us to just be happy again and together again like nothing even happened. Today I thought about the night when my life changed, the night that the incident happened and he parted from me. It makes me sick on the inside I hate it and wish I could just go back. I wish that I knew then what I know now and I wish I understood then what I understand now. I know that me yelling and cussing and fussing is not going to get anything accomplished, especially with him. He is so stubborn and he takes guard to his feelings and emotions. He has only had one real time where he has been vulnerable with me and he knows that time (no need to bring it up). I find myself always being vulnerable with him and letting my guard down for him and yet he never does that with me. I don't know what to do about that but I understand it more now than I ever did before. I understand that he likes to work on his problems by himself and just be alone when something is bothering him. I understand that neither one of us are good at communicating how we feel with one another, especially him, and I don't know if that is cause he chooses to be that way or he really does not know how to. I am trying to fix the things that I can and just accept the things that I can not change about him. I wish he would do the same and yet I know he won't . I believe he will always think that I am nagging him regardless of what is going on, I accept that, I just wish he would react the way he does. I want him to know that I never intended for any of this and that if I could I would erase all the bad from our relationship so far. We have overcome so much in a year and have gone through so much. I know we are supposed to be together, nobody goes through all of this for nothing in the end. But maybe it is not for nothing maybe there is a bigger picture here and we have yet to see it. I just want to be happy and I want to be happy with him, I want him to be happy mostly- and yet I don't know how to make him happy. I have done nothing but cause him grief and problems since he started to talk to me and I am so sorry for that. I spent a lot of our relationship apologizing for making his life so bad, I always felt it was so bad cause he would make it seem like if it weren't for me he would be happy and not going through this mess right now. Yeah sometimes I think that way too about him but I love him and I am willing and I know I am able to go through it in order to be happy in the end. I know that everything is not peaches and cream and that it will get worse before it gets better and I believe that is why I have been so committed to this relationship. I know that all of the tears and all of the pain right now will work out in the end. All of his irritation and frustration with me will not be for nothing. I mean why would we go through all of this if we weren't going to be happy with one another again. If not then all of this is pointless, all the tears and frustrations, and yelling and everything we have built up til now is for nothing, what a waste. I don't believe it though, everything will be OK and even though I am hurting right now and I can't stand him I still love him with all of my heart and I still believe. I try not to let the bull that we go through effect my whole outlook of our relationship, yeah I am mad at him and he gets on my last nerve but I still love him regardless and there is no one else I would rather be upset with but him. Sometimes I feel like he lets every situation we go through effect how he feels about me and how he views me. I don't understand cause I still feel the same way regardless to the tears and the pain, I still love his stubborn behind.

Test and Testimony... and some!

Well today ... what can I say. It was not a yesterday, it was not that bad though. Today I received some bad news about something I had planned for the future and that I would not be able to accomplish my goal because of my grades. Yeah, grades posted today, and they were not bad actually. They were honestly the norm, but I expected way better, like three "A's" instead of one and no "C's", one of my teachers definitely let me down. I will go and see what I can do about my grades and see if I can get any of them changed to bring my GPA so that my future plans will still be able to go into affect. But maybe it is not meant to happen. I don't. I called my ex and he told me to look at like this, maybe it is not in God's plan for me right now in my life and that maybe He is protecting me from something in the future. It would just be nice to have accomplished that for myself.
Just dealing with that disappointment today, kind of put a lot of the things I am going through right now in my life in perspective. All of this bad stuff is still happening to me, it is almost like I am being punished. I don't know maybe I need to take another look at what I am doing wrong. Like why is all of this happening to me, it's not enough to just be broke, unemployed, knee high in debt, and not graduating. I am trying to stay positive, but it is so hard, it is hard to smile through the pain. I don't know what to do it is hard. I pray and read my bible everyday and work on me everyday, but nothing seems to be letting up. Like I don't expect for things to be easy but I just wish that the bad could stop happening to me. Like I just want to get through some of all of this that I am already going through now before something else falls on me. I will continue to pray cause that is all I have.
Today my ex asked me a very important question that I could not answer. He asked me what do I bring to the relationship. He was able to tell me what he felt he offered and I just could not come up with a legitimate answer. So I have been thinking about it all day and I am still thinking about it. Him and I have a good relationship with each other like we have a good connection with each other. I don't know if that is because we have opposite personalities but maybe that is the reason why we have problems. No, we have problems because we don't communicate effectively with each other, especially when it comes to problems in our relationship. We both have two totally different ways of handling things and that is a cause for issues we face in our relationship. I still think we are learning about each other and each others ways so we will get it down one day (hopefully).

Friends ... How many of us have them?

My life has always been a open book, especially with friends or at least people I call my friends. I have just always been so free with letting people know about my life and everything I have been through. I have been told that one should not tell everything to everyone. With all that has been happening now I have seem to shut myself off from a lot of people I use to be close with. This blog has been wonderful, like I can freely communicate my emotions and what not with people I don't know and who don't know me, so therefore they can't judge me. And if they do who cares I will never meet them in my life. The blog has been my friend where I have made my friends absent in my life and has allowed me to keep in touch with myself (and my ex who reads regularly,even though we talk everyday, he likes it cause he gets to know what I am thinking and feeling). I am really bad with keeping in touch with people I hate talking to people on the phone, I would much rather talk to them in person. My friends from high school, the Fab 5, as we called ourselves is like all I really have. I have not really kept up with them like I should. When we all left to go to college four years ago we just didn't keep in touch like we should have. However I can say I did keep in touch with two people from high school, my best friend Danielle ( The Fab 5) and my best friend Tierra. They were the only ones who I have kept and maintained a relationship with and the only true friends that I can honestly say I have. They have been there for me in my worst and they love me and would do anything for me and I feel the same about them. When I had problems at home with my mother I would go to their house and crash, I have practically lived with both of them somewhere within our friendships. They know me the best and they are such good friends, when I am having a bad day and going through things they know how to make everything feel better or at least make it sound better. We have always been able to encourage each other even though we all have had our share of bad decisions. I love them.
My best friend of over 15 years I have not even kept in touch with. She was my first friend and we grew up together, cause she lived next door to my grandparents. The point is I have bad relationship problems with people. Like I can honestly say I only have two best friends. The people I have met in college, I don't plan on being friends with them for the rest of my life. I have gone through so many friends and so many cliks, I have almost been friends with everyone on campus. But my current friends I have one group of friends who I just have been avoiding and one that I don't spend enough time with. Lets talk about the first group. This group includes my roommate whom I have known since freshman year and Ms. C and Ms. Bri. They are cool to kick it with and what not. My roommate and I have a good friendship we almost do everything together. Ms. C is a friend by association type thing she is a friend of my roommate, we just kind of developed our own friendship too. And Ms. Bri, my insane friend, no really the bitch is crazy. But we have a lot in common, sad to say, we became associates through seeing each other in classes, and then we became friends after we had discovered we had the common factor that our boyfriends were roommates. We ended up spending a lot of time with each other cause we were always at our boyfriends house so we started to kick it and what not. OK so now that I have given the background lets talk about why I am avoiding them. My roommate, we come from two totally different backgrounds; she is very family oriented she loves her parents ( surprise surprise she grew with a mom and a dad) and her sisters and she gets very emotional about that fact, me I don't have strong ties to my family , don't get me wrong I love them, me and my mom we have issues , I love my brother and sister to death (they are my heart) and I love my grandparents. Like I have been to hell and back, and back to hell again in my life so many times she would never understand, and if it is something she doesn't understand then she judges it. I have not bothered to share with her anything I am going through cause I don't feel like being judged or having to try to explain myself to her. She judged me for living with him this summer. I didn't want to, but I had nowhere else to go and I refused to go home to my mother. For the life of her she couldn't understand that, she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to go home, and I didn't want to have to explain it over and over. OK Ms. C we don't have a strong enough relationship for me to trust her enough to tell her my business. She cool to kick it with and go out with it, but yeah something is not all there. Ms. Bri, besides the fact that she is crazy as hell, she is just a lot to deal with at one time, and most of the time I don't feel like being bothered. She got about as many problems as I do and us getting together to talk about problems is not going to help neither one of us. She can't give me any kind of help, or advice, she is a great ride or die type friend and she has been there for some things in my life over the past year but yeah, neither one of us can help each other. They are all good friends especially my roommate and Ms. Bri but they all have issues with me and how I am an inadequate friend to them, and I admit that I am. I don't have great relationships with people, my fear is that I am turning into my mother. She has no friends or none that I know of. She never goes out and just has lunch with the friends or has dinner parties with her friends it always just her and her kids. Maybe that is a sacrifice my mother made to become a mother, and I appreciate it, but at the same time her life is miserable and unhappy. I don't want to be mother, alone with and angry all the damn time. Now my other friends here at school that I don't spend that much time with are the ones I made while marching in the band. I was a flag girl for 2 years in the University marching band and I have developed good relationships with some of the other flags. We are still good friends and still kick it and what not. We don't spend a lot of time together mostly cause they are the unreliable group of friends, the ones that don't answer their phones when you need them. So as far as telling them what is going on I choose not to cause we don't spend enough time with one another to get anything accomplished. It is kind of hard doing this with no one but my ex. He never believes me when I tell him he is all I have. He knows me on a level that most people will never know me and the only people I think that know me that way is Danielle and Tierra. I don't want to share myself with these people I have created some bad relationships with people and have left bad taste in a lot of people's mouths even the ones who call themselves my friends. I look at it like this, some years down the line when I am getting ready to get married will I be able to count on them to be there. I use this example cause it came about when me and my ex were talking about all the people whom we wanted to be apart of the wedding party. He had this overly long exaggerated list of like 15 groomsmen and I could only come up with like five girls who I wanted to be in my wedding, three of them who I was a little unsure of. He always asks what happened to all of my friendships with people. And now that I remember it was this whole friendship conversation that showed me that I had a problem that needed to be fixed, it was the catalyst for the events to come (how crazy is that). But he just didn't understand why I didn't have a lot of the friends that I use to. I told him cause I didn't value friendship really. But really now that I look at it, it is cause people are funny acting and yeah they are your friends one minute and the next you aren't important to them anymore. In college I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me, females are fake, judgemental, manipulative, beings they are horrible friends, and only when you can find a group who you really fit with then you can call them friends. I guess that is why I have had so many friends over the past four years, constantly redirecting my life and what I want and what I need and a lot of the time the people in my life were not fitting with what those things were that I needed or were trying to accomplish. And I guess that is where I am now in my life, once again redirecting it and finding that the people in my life just really ain't fitting there anymore, my puzzle has changed again. I know that the entire four years have not been a waste though. I have met some great people who I know will accomplish some great things, I have met and made some friends who I will stay friends with for a long time, I have met some who I will probably not contact five years from now. I met the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with and yet he is a pain in my ass, I wouldn't have it any other way.