Clarity for the New Year

It has been a minute, but I truly enjoyed my time at home. It was completely relaxed and I got to catch up on some eating of some good soul food. I got to spend time with my brother and sister, who I love so much. I also got to spend some quality time with my mom just talking about random things, but I enjoyed it anyways. I got to see my friends and their families who I have not seen in a year cause I have not been home in a year. I received a lot of clarity on my nine day trip to Cleveland I got to really spend time with myself at home, a place that is comfortable, and really figure things out. I got to catch up on things that I love to do like crocheting and playing video games with my brother and sister. I did a lot of praying and asking for God to take away all of my stress and my worries, in fact I have been praying this same pray for like a month now, but I can finally say I feel relief in my life. I feel like I don't have anything to worry about, not a job, graduating, my relationship, not anything. Along with that I got some clarity in my life about what it is that I really want. I want so much and want to do so much with myself. I figured that I will stay here in Huntsville after graduating I am prepared to get my own apartment and with the blessing of my grandparents it will be fully furnished. I plan to have job offers by March and to begin working before the summer ends. I plan to save enough money to pay up at least 3 months of rent for my new place. I am excited about starting my own life on my own, but I am also very terrified. As far as my relationship, well I have such a better understanding of so much and I think that he really understands me, at least I hope he does. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now a days I am slowly accepting the fact that that may not be the case and I guess I am OK with that. Him and I had made so many plans about what we would do after graduation and we are suppose to move to the same city together, different places of course, and it is suppose to be us against the world. I would really love to have that instead of having to do everything on my own. We had an interesting conversation the other day and it brought light onto something that I didn't want to accept for the longest. He has gotten comfortable with being single and living and doing what he wants to do and not having any rules to follow. I figured this would happen. I told him a long time ago that this would happen, and it did. I told him that I would wait for him but the time is limited. I am not going to wait around for him to decide when it is convenient for him to be in a relationship, it is so not fair to me, and I think deep down it makes me mad. Like he would always tell me that he would never get like that when I would bring it to him before and now it has been proven that it can happen. I accept it though cause that is where I am in my life right now. I am changing the things that I can change and accepting the things that I can not, and that is something I have no power or control over. Besides I have to let him make the decision on his own, I have to let him be a man. But I know that I will not sit around and continue to wait and live by the rules if he is not. When we were together we had a rule about going out to clubs and dancing with people, we never do it. Since we have not been together he has just been out dancing it up and doing whatever he wants. It made me so mad when he told me I wanted to go off and do my usual but I didn't I listened to him cause that is what was needed. By the end of the conversation we had I told him that he needed to figure out what was more important to him, partying and doing what he wants to do and not living by the rules of a relationship or being in a relationship with someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't know which one he will pick, he still has not really thought about it and came up with an answer yet. But I told him that hopefully he will make the decision and I will still be here. I am not ready to move on with my life to another man but I am not going to sit around and waste time on someone who does not want the same things that I want or who wants to have their cake and eat it too. I want to settle down and have children and have my own family and things and what not. I am ready to grow up. I want someone who understands that in order to get what you want sometimes you have to sacrifice and put things on hold or grow up and that you have to work hard for everything you want in life. I hope that he realizes that.... before it is too late.
Anyways I truly enjoyed my New Years Eve. I just sat at home and ate and played games with my room mate. We popped champagne at the end of the night, the start of the best year of my life ( I pray). It was a great way to start the New Year in my opinion. Today I have not done to much just laying around and relaxing. I am still on the constant hunt for another job and I am confident that something is going to come up soon.
To end it all of I just want to say, trust in God and he will take care of you. I believe and I know that He will make everything OK, and that is possibly the reason why I don't have anything to really worry about. I know that He will make a way for all of my struggles and He will never put more on me than I can bear. Happy New Year!