Loving Him and Loving Me pt. 2

So my brain feels like it is suffocating. I have so much going on, so much that I am thinking about right now and no one to talk to. Yeah it is kind of sad. I wanted to talk to someone older who has a little more experience and wisdom. I wanted to talk to my cousin but no one answered the phone, and so I pondered should I talk to his mother. I don't know I still get nervous when it comes to her, she is a big part of his life. A mother is a big part of any mans life. I do wish I had of taken the opportunity and talked to her, to at least let her know my side.
Right now I have several things on my mind:

1. I was watching The Break-Up and she said something that stuck with me... "I just want him to care about this relationship and show it by making an effort to change", and honestly that is the basis of everything, that is exactly how I feel, and if he is not willing to change should I worry about and just leave it all alone.
2. I want to listen to my heart but my mind is screaming leave him alone- I am sad and upset mad and crying for what- yeah I would say for love but is this what love is all about, should I be putting myself through all of this for love- like yeah I know you have to take risk in love but should I risk my sanity and health. I love him so much and maybe it is blinding me to where I can't see what is going on.
3. I am thinking about reasons to hold on and reasons to not hold on I am trying to make a list in my head. {Reasons to not hold on:} 1.I am sad and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, 2. He does not care anymore, 3.He is not changing or wanting to change, 4.I am not important to him so I should not make him so important, 5.I feel that maybe I deserve better, 6.after a year with each other he does not understand me yet I wonder will he ever, 7.I feel that he has so much animosity towards me, 8.He makes me feel bad about everything I do, 9.He doesn't listen to me or feels the need to put himself in my shoes, 10.he has hurt me in ways I didn't think he could or that any man could {Ok and reasons to Hold on:} 1.I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have his children, 2.I know that deep down underneath all of that animosity he has for me he truly loves me, 3. I believe in my heart that we are meant to be together, 4. we have a good connection with each other outside of the arguing, 5. I believe that this is a test for us and that God wants us to make it through this but we need to start listening to each other and what the other person needs
4. I trust in God and I believe in this relationship, I believe that God wants me to listen to my heart and not all the things going around in my head, so I have turned it over to the Lord but I am waiting on directions for what to do.
5. Am I ready to move on ? my answer no but why is it no
6. Why the didn't he read the whole blog that I last wrote, he said he did but I believe he didn't cause all he could comment on was what I mentioned in the first paragraph... whatever
7. Why does he continue on with me, why subject yourself to me if I am so bad, just stop being my friend and talking to me all together
8. Why does he not take me seriously
9. Why he does not believe that my motives from last night are not what I say they are... he hates when people try to tell him what he is doing when he is telling them what they are doing ... ok so is it ok for him to do it to me
10. Am I way to involved in this relationship... am I putting to much into this like will I really reap the rewards in the end or just have a big broken shattered in a million pieces heart.

I don't know what to do, but I needed to get it all out. All the things I was thinking about are just things in my head, yeah they are what is on my mind right now but not meant to hurt anyones feelings (you know who you are). It is not wrong for me to think these thoughts right? I still have a million and one things to do before tomorrow mornings flight. Yeah I will be definitely be up all night. It would be nice to have some feedback like if I was actually talking to someone.

Nothing to Say

The past two days have been cool. I have just been relaxing and spending time with some friends. I have not been doing anything real productive but I have been keeping busy sitting around having " Girls Night " two nights in a row. I have not really had anything on my mind per se nothing really bothering me significantly enough for me to write about. I guess I am getting to a good place in my life. I am so happy and thankful, Thank You Lord for this moment of peace I feel in my life right now. It feels good to be in a good place in my life. I have not been sleeping to good and have not been reading my book, I do regret that but I have been feeling good though no real sadness for real. My ex and I have been having productive conversations with no real arguments which is really good for us right now. Although he is being quite inconsiderate right now by not texting me back, I just want to make sure he is safe. He had told me he was going out and I just like to know that he is OK, I don't know maybe that is that whole maternal thing about me. But other than that we are cool. Today I got to think about a few things:

1. How petty we (females) can be
2. How petty all people can be- why do people have to demean others to make themselves feel better, why are people so cut throat.
3. There are some really sick people out there - anyone who is able to kill their own child and go out to the club just days after she was reported missing is a sick ass individual-R.I.P to baby Caylee Anthony
4. There is way too much racism, bigotry, and negative stereotyping going on today- come on it is 2008 and we are way smarter than what we show
5. How much fun it is to just play cards with the girls
6. Why do we care about celebrities lives - like they are human just like us, and they bleed and breathe oxygen just like us... so if we don't find other people's lives (particularly you and I) to be interesting then why the hell do we care about theirs.

Well I guess this is it for me nothing to much going on for real I feel myself getting a headache, probably because it is way past my bed time and I am getting tired.