Day 16: Behind every half-assing man is an enabling woman

I have come to the conclusion that I only say profound s*** late at night when I'm supposed to be sleep. 
One will only half-ass when allowed too. My mother did not accept half-assing on anything in her house..and she made sure that you understood what her expectations were just so you don't half-ass..and if you did half-ass there were consequences...period!
It is currently 1am and I felt compelled to do a blog post based off of a comment that I made on a friends Twitter post. She talked about dudes being pretentious and I decided to comment that guys are pretentious because we as women allow them to be.
Think about it, behind every messed up man there's a woman that can account for his actions either it is his mother or ex girlfriend there's usually a woman that can a be placed at fault.
I posted a picture on Instagram of basically how I felt about the comment and just simply summarized how I feel in general. We women have to do better we can not just accept any kind of b******* ass behavior from these guys, we have to stop letting them do, say, and act however they want and get away with it. We have to stop accepting half-assing. If men were forced to do better they would do better.... it's like Fabolous said "it if you knew better you do better" and they DO know better they just DON'T do better because they don't have to!
I'm not in the business of teaching somebody else's son how to be a man and step it up nor am I in the business of giving advice.... I am just merely a vessel of truth stating facts. Let's stop enabling each other and let's start speaking positivity into 1 another. If we allow them to continue to act a fool and get away with it while they are with us then when he moves on to the next he will just think hey it worked before let's do it again. Stop making excuses for the dumb s*** that he does and start realizing that he does it because you let him...and everything that he does does not always constitute a cuss out. We as women are so smart and so powerful and sometimes we just need to learn how to use our words "better"... you kill more flies with honey than vinegar.... or something like that. Speak to them and not at them they listen better...our so I'm told lol!
So women step it up so that the men can step it up...and then maybe we will have a better dating  environment for ALL of us! Yay

[PS this is stuff you should probably think about from day one when you first met ole dude....start strong finish strong...a good foundation will keep your "house" from sinking]

what would make me want to blog at 12:34 in the morning.... Idk .... couldn't tell you honestly.... yeah I know lets stop lying....

lets set the mood here or more so just get the scenario of what is going

I am sitting out side on my breezeway drinking wine and blogging under the moonlight watching cars drive by listening to music.... mostly just go rock bottom on repeat.... for those who don't know that is Pleasure P's song with Lil wayne... I love lil wayne.. I remember last summer anticipating his album Tha Carter 3 to come out and how me and my "ex"- boyfriend listened to it all summer long.... that is all we had in the cd player in the car all last summer.... everyday...my mind is so clear right now... I feel completely real right now ... I know I haven't blogged in so long but I have been working on my book... coming soon.. it is going to be great it is going to be a book for young women to read to motivate them to stay focused and keep going and never let anyone, not even a man stop them and hold them back .... but i have also been working too.... I finally got a job ... it is not my dream job ... just a part-time at Red lobster... the Lord is good he heard my prayer and blessed me and I am so thankful. .. i feel so mellow right now.... it feels good ... you know not to have a care in the world ... not worry about anything...my ex went to the movies tonight with another woman ....not a date... but Idk how to take it ......like lately i have been trying to control my emotions and function like a normal person.... I have been doing pretty well as far as trying to function and getting use to it ... you know making it a normal part of life...i went to go see the hangover tonight... man it was funny as hell.... they had the dude in it from Old School who was the wedding singer in old school as the wedding singer in the Hangover.... he was funny as hell again... my ex got me hip to that movie and now it is one of my favorites..... I am so beyond words right now where I am .... I feel good though....

we said we would be friends and I honestly wasn't quite sure about it... i have never been friends with one of my exes ever.... so i didn't know how to take it ....but lately I have been doing very well with it.... i STill am ... I am completely ok with the fact that he went to go see a movie that we should have went to go see together ....the hangover is one of those stupid movies that me and him would watch together .... and we didn't even go see it together.. he went with another female.... I don't know how to feel honestly I don't ... I am not angry or sad I actually feel blank... lol... as funny as that sounds...i keep thinking i am going to cry but no tears come out so I stop acting... I stop making a scene as he always tells me..... I am just chillin.... you know...but the movie was great.... real funny.... transformers was better though.... me and him went to go see transformers... which was way better than the hangover.... it was great, phenomenal..... I guess he is ready to move on maybe i should too.... maybe that is how I should take everything.... as a key to just move on with my life and search for the next guy that will end up breaking up with me cause I am too much for the to deal with.... it is so not fair why can't i find someone who loves me for who I am and they are just happy with who I am .... My life is taking new strides and I am so happy because of it.... so maybe something will work out.... I could probably type all night but that is not what I want to do... so goodnight world til another day
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Barack and Michelle

Yesterday was truly a monumental day. I enjoyed being able to sit in the warmth of my house and watch the Inauguration of our 44th President Barack Obama. He is such an influential man and I am so happy that he is the new President. Him and his family are just so cool and have so much swag, they are a gorgeous family together. I love Michelle Obama, she is a beautiful, strong, independent black woman. They are just such a great family to aspire to be like. His speech was so good and I liked how he addressed everything and everyone, like worldwide. I love how his wife is always right by his side in everything that he does and how you can tell she is so supportive of him and everything he does. Yesterday when he was sworn in and she stood by his side and held Former President Lincoln's Bible for him she just looked so proud of her strong man, and she was happy to say that that is her husband, the President of the United States. I want that. I want someone to love me like that and I want to be able to love someone like that. They way they look at each other you can tell that they are just so in love and there whole family just looks so loving. I want that all one day, maybe not the whole campaigning for two years and becoming the President, but that whole being supportive of my man whatever he does ( even if he decides to be the President), and having a loving family and knowing that everyday he loves me and appreciates me for who I am and not what they wish I would be. I want a man to look at me and love me and say things like you are my backbone and my heart, the love of my life. I want to be the Michelle to some man's Obama one day and have that same love and devotion and support and trust. I thought I would be able to experience that but maybe if I pray enough God will bless me with that someday. I didn't cry during the swearing in ceremony, but I cred for a good ten minutes when Beyonce performed "At Last" by Etta James ( which is by the way one of my favorite songs and I have been planning to walk down the aisle to it since I was 14) at the Inaugural Ball and Barack and Michelle danced together. It was such a romantic and beautiful moment. I feel like under President Obama's administration that all of us will be able to experience some kind of beautiful moment over the next four years. I look forward to the next four, hopefully eight years and I know that We all shall over come.

Oh yeah I like the benediction to especially the part when he said " black won't have to get back, brown can stick around, yellow can be mellow, the red man can get ahead man, and white will do what's right", or something like that. I thought it was appropriate, that man walked with Dr. King and got to see all the hatred of the time. For him to be able to be alive and give the benediction at the Inauguration of the First Black President was truly monumental. I don't just love Obama because he is a black man, (honestly he is multi-cultural) but because he is so influential. When he speaks you feel him and ever word he says and you really feel a sense of motivation. He is a really driven man, and it shows cause he won something that no one thought he would. I will end off with this which was a quote I heard yesterday in the midst of all the things related to the Inauguration that I watched, " Rosa sat so Martin could walk, Martin walked so Obama could run, and Obama ran so We can Fly"!!! Yes we can... all of us!

Loving Him and Loving Me pt. 2

So my brain feels like it is suffocating. I have so much going on, so much that I am thinking about right now and no one to talk to. Yeah it is kind of sad. I wanted to talk to someone older who has a little more experience and wisdom. I wanted to talk to my cousin but no one answered the phone, and so I pondered should I talk to his mother. I don't know I still get nervous when it comes to her, she is a big part of his life. A mother is a big part of any mans life. I do wish I had of taken the opportunity and talked to her, to at least let her know my side.
Right now I have several things on my mind:

1. I was watching The Break-Up and she said something that stuck with me... "I just want him to care about this relationship and show it by making an effort to change", and honestly that is the basis of everything, that is exactly how I feel, and if he is not willing to change should I worry about and just leave it all alone.
2. I want to listen to my heart but my mind is screaming leave him alone- I am sad and upset mad and crying for what- yeah I would say for love but is this what love is all about, should I be putting myself through all of this for love- like yeah I know you have to take risk in love but should I risk my sanity and health. I love him so much and maybe it is blinding me to where I can't see what is going on.
3. I am thinking about reasons to hold on and reasons to not hold on I am trying to make a list in my head. {Reasons to not hold on:} 1.I am sad and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, 2. He does not care anymore, 3.He is not changing or wanting to change, 4.I am not important to him so I should not make him so important, 5.I feel that maybe I deserve better, 6.after a year with each other he does not understand me yet I wonder will he ever, 7.I feel that he has so much animosity towards me, 8.He makes me feel bad about everything I do, 9.He doesn't listen to me or feels the need to put himself in my shoes, 10.he has hurt me in ways I didn't think he could or that any man could {Ok and reasons to Hold on:} 1.I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have his children, 2.I know that deep down underneath all of that animosity he has for me he truly loves me, 3. I believe in my heart that we are meant to be together, 4. we have a good connection with each other outside of the arguing, 5. I believe that this is a test for us and that God wants us to make it through this but we need to start listening to each other and what the other person needs
4. I trust in God and I believe in this relationship, I believe that God wants me to listen to my heart and not all the things going around in my head, so I have turned it over to the Lord but I am waiting on directions for what to do.
5. Am I ready to move on ? my answer no but why is it no
6. Why the didn't he read the whole blog that I last wrote, he said he did but I believe he didn't cause all he could comment on was what I mentioned in the first paragraph... whatever
7. Why does he continue on with me, why subject yourself to me if I am so bad, just stop being my friend and talking to me all together
8. Why does he not take me seriously
9. Why he does not believe that my motives from last night are not what I say they are... he hates when people try to tell him what he is doing when he is telling them what they are doing ... ok so is it ok for him to do it to me
10. Am I way to involved in this relationship... am I putting to much into this like will I really reap the rewards in the end or just have a big broken shattered in a million pieces heart.

I don't know what to do, but I needed to get it all out. All the things I was thinking about are just things in my head, yeah they are what is on my mind right now but not meant to hurt anyones feelings (you know who you are). It is not wrong for me to think these thoughts right? I still have a million and one things to do before tomorrow mornings flight. Yeah I will be definitely be up all night. It would be nice to have some feedback like if I was actually talking to someone.

Loving Him and Loving Me... What is wrong?

I knew I would be back. Today has turned into much worse than I expected. It all starts from communication with him. I don't know what to do anymore. I just sat on my bed and prayed about it, asking God to just continue to work on us and bless us both. He hurts me so much sometimes. The little things that I do in our relationship, he doesn't appreciate. I just wanted to know if he was safe. He said I was nagging him and frustrating him, I didn't intend on that being his reaction. I didn't mean for that to be what it was. Everything that I do it is me nagging or frustrating him, and now I don't believe his mother even likes me anymore. He tells her about me and I don't know exactly what he says but she is only getting one side of the story. I am not perfect and in no way ever going to be perfect, but I try. Ever effort I put forward to show him that I am trying ( cause he always says that actions speak louder than words) it always ends up as I am pissing him off or nagging him or irritating him. Like I don't know what to do anymore. I asked the Lord to show me what it is that I need to do where I need to go from here. I love him so very much, I would give my life for this man. I dread if something were to happen to him, and then if I didn't know about it. It scares me. I have a huge fear of death and not so much as other people's deaths but my own. Since being with him I have the same fear for him to. Life is too short now a days and people are losing their lives left and right, and it scares me. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. Especially when we are going through stuff like this. We are always into it over miscommunication and I told him that we should work on that cause it is are one and only problem that hinders our progress in our relationship. He told me no. And yet this is what has happened, we have miscommunicated once again. I just wanted to know he was safe and he thought I was nagging and frustrating him. That hurt my feelings when he said that, it always does. I don't ever intend to nag or frustrate or irritate him, and I wish he understood that and I wish I could tell his mother that also. I don't mean to be confrontational with him, sometimes he just really upsets me, he never understands why I am upset, but he does. And then he never cares to understand why he has frustrated me. I always try to work on us even when I am frustrated, I try. I try to keep us talking so that we come up with a reasonable solution to the current problem, I try to change the conversation and talk about other happier things, whatever I do it never works and it gets overlooked as being nagging and irritating and frustrating. I don't know what to do, God I don't know. I asked for God to show me what I need to do, and to stay in both or our hearts as we go through these tough times with each other. Even after all of this I still believe that we will get over this and make it through all of the hardships we are going through right now. I know that we will be happy and in love with each other again someday, but I don't know how to make him see that. And I don't know if he even believes that. Sometimes I think I want to ask the Lord for the strength to move on and forget about him and our relationship but that would be my mind speaking and not my heart. My heart tells me to hold on and I believe that is what the Lord would want for me to listen to. I love him so much I would give anything and everything I have (which is not much) for us to just be happy again and together again like nothing even happened. Today I thought about the night when my life changed, the night that the incident happened and he parted from me. It makes me sick on the inside I hate it and wish I could just go back. I wish that I knew then what I know now and I wish I understood then what I understand now. I know that me yelling and cussing and fussing is not going to get anything accomplished, especially with him. He is so stubborn and he takes guard to his feelings and emotions. He has only had one real time where he has been vulnerable with me and he knows that time (no need to bring it up). I find myself always being vulnerable with him and letting my guard down for him and yet he never does that with me. I don't know what to do about that but I understand it more now than I ever did before. I understand that he likes to work on his problems by himself and just be alone when something is bothering him. I understand that neither one of us are good at communicating how we feel with one another, especially him, and I don't know if that is cause he chooses to be that way or he really does not know how to. I am trying to fix the things that I can and just accept the things that I can not change about him. I wish he would do the same and yet I know he won't . I believe he will always think that I am nagging him regardless of what is going on, I accept that, I just wish he would react the way he does. I want him to know that I never intended for any of this and that if I could I would erase all the bad from our relationship so far. We have overcome so much in a year and have gone through so much. I know we are supposed to be together, nobody goes through all of this for nothing in the end. But maybe it is not for nothing maybe there is a bigger picture here and we have yet to see it. I just want to be happy and I want to be happy with him, I want him to be happy mostly- and yet I don't know how to make him happy. I have done nothing but cause him grief and problems since he started to talk to me and I am so sorry for that. I spent a lot of our relationship apologizing for making his life so bad, I always felt it was so bad cause he would make it seem like if it weren't for me he would be happy and not going through this mess right now. Yeah sometimes I think that way too about him but I love him and I am willing and I know I am able to go through it in order to be happy in the end. I know that everything is not peaches and cream and that it will get worse before it gets better and I believe that is why I have been so committed to this relationship. I know that all of the tears and all of the pain right now will work out in the end. All of his irritation and frustration with me will not be for nothing. I mean why would we go through all of this if we weren't going to be happy with one another again. If not then all of this is pointless, all the tears and frustrations, and yelling and everything we have built up til now is for nothing, what a waste. I don't believe it though, everything will be OK and even though I am hurting right now and I can't stand him I still love him with all of my heart and I still believe. I try not to let the bull that we go through effect my whole outlook of our relationship, yeah I am mad at him and he gets on my last nerve but I still love him regardless and there is no one else I would rather be upset with but him. Sometimes I feel like he lets every situation we go through effect how he feels about me and how he views me. I don't understand cause I still feel the same way regardless to the tears and the pain, I still love his stubborn behind.

Intoxicated by the Music

Music. It is so captivating. I have so much respect for real recording artist cause they are able to escape the real and release their stresses and emotions through a medium that all people take part in. They get to share a part of them that most people don't get to share. I love music, I love listening to it. I grew up with music all the time. I played clarinet and I sang in the school choir. Music is so expressive and it can touch so many people in their every situation. I have been listening to music all day long ( which is really good cause I have not watched TV all day and it is Saturday). I have found a few songs today that have been able to really kind of explain how I am feeling and what is going on with me and this whole relationship thing. Let me just say that this break up ish is hard and is for the birds. Beyonce's new CD "I am Sasha Fierce" is phenomenal. Like I had only been listening to the second CD with all the fast songs on it but today I looked up the lyrics to the songs on the first CD and I noticed that a lot of them related to me or how I am feeling or how I want to feel. It really is a great CD and I feel stupid for neglecting it for so long. I have been listening to it mostly ( for like the past 3 hours) while I clean up and do my hair. All of the songs on the CD really hit home for me in some way and they are just so beautiful by themselves. Beyonce is such a truly talented singer in my opinion. Most songs that I like or that I have in my top songs I like them cause I can relate to them in some way or I connect with the message of the song. Like yesterday, I had to make a reference to the Plain White Tee's " Hate is a Strong Word" song ( I love them by the way) cause that was how I was feeling at the time. One thing that I can say for me and my ex is our love for music. It is like a release for us (well at least for me). Listening to a good song can bring out so many emotions, you could cry or dance around your apartment half naked like in Risky Business., it can uplift a situation and change moods. I know like when I am at a wack party and the DJ really sucks like it will just take one of my favorite party songs to come on for me to get in the mood and ready to party.
But anyways, the first song that touched me and how I feel or how I want to feel is Beyonce's " Disappear" The song say: "If I begged and if I cried, would it change the sky tonight? Would it give me some light? Should I wait for you to call? Is there any hope at all? Are you drifting by? When I think about it I know that I was never there or even cared. The more I think about it the less that I was able to share with you. I try to reach you I can almost feel you. You're nearly here and then you disappear. And when I lie all by myself I see your face an I hear your voice. My heart stays faithful and time has come an time has passed. If it's good it's got to last, it felt so right."
The next song from the CD would have to be "Broken-hearted Girl", (right how typical of me). " If everything about you never were, the nothing about you could have been. But still you live inside of me, so tell me how is that. You're the only one I wish I could forget, the only one I love to not forgive, and though you break my heart, you're the only one and though there are times I hate you cause I can't erase the times that you hurt me an put tears on my face. And even now when I hate you it pains me to say i know I'll be there at the end of the day. There's something that I feel I need to say. Up til now I've always been afraid that you would never come around and still i wanna put this out, you say you got the most respect for me, but sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me. And still you're in my heart. But you're the only one and yes there are times when I hate you but I don't complain, cause I've been afraid that you would walk away. But now I don't hate you I am happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day I don't wanna be without you babe. I don't want a broken heart, don't wanna take a breath without you babe, I don't wanna play that part. I know that I love you but let me just say I don't want to love you in no kind of way.... I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl"
I think that everyone who has every dealt with love issues should go listen to both of them.
Danity Kane also had a good song on their last album called "Poetry" talking about how the girl had been being neglected by the man and how she didn't know what to think he was driving her insane with all the mixed messages either you love or me or you don't.
I felt that writing about the songs would give me something to do and would keep me busy. It also kind of gives me a way to express myself through other people's words which is good. Sometimes we don't know how to say it and sometimes it takes for someone else to say it for us to really get a good understanding of it.