Loving Him and Loving Me pt. 2

So my brain feels like it is suffocating. I have so much going on, so much that I am thinking about right now and no one to talk to. Yeah it is kind of sad. I wanted to talk to someone older who has a little more experience and wisdom. I wanted to talk to my cousin but no one answered the phone, and so I pondered should I talk to his mother. I don't know I still get nervous when it comes to her, she is a big part of his life. A mother is a big part of any mans life. I do wish I had of taken the opportunity and talked to her, to at least let her know my side.
Right now I have several things on my mind:

1. I was watching The Break-Up and she said something that stuck with me... "I just want him to care about this relationship and show it by making an effort to change", and honestly that is the basis of everything, that is exactly how I feel, and if he is not willing to change should I worry about and just leave it all alone.
2. I want to listen to my heart but my mind is screaming leave him alone- I am sad and upset mad and crying for what- yeah I would say for love but is this what love is all about, should I be putting myself through all of this for love- like yeah I know you have to take risk in love but should I risk my sanity and health. I love him so much and maybe it is blinding me to where I can't see what is going on.
3. I am thinking about reasons to hold on and reasons to not hold on I am trying to make a list in my head. {Reasons to not hold on:} 1.I am sad and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, 2. He does not care anymore, 3.He is not changing or wanting to change, 4.I am not important to him so I should not make him so important, 5.I feel that maybe I deserve better, 6.after a year with each other he does not understand me yet I wonder will he ever, 7.I feel that he has so much animosity towards me, 8.He makes me feel bad about everything I do, 9.He doesn't listen to me or feels the need to put himself in my shoes, 10.he has hurt me in ways I didn't think he could or that any man could {Ok and reasons to Hold on:} 1.I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and have his children, 2.I know that deep down underneath all of that animosity he has for me he truly loves me, 3. I believe in my heart that we are meant to be together, 4. we have a good connection with each other outside of the arguing, 5. I believe that this is a test for us and that God wants us to make it through this but we need to start listening to each other and what the other person needs
4. I trust in God and I believe in this relationship, I believe that God wants me to listen to my heart and not all the things going around in my head, so I have turned it over to the Lord but I am waiting on directions for what to do.
5. Am I ready to move on ? my answer no but why is it no
6. Why the didn't he read the whole blog that I last wrote, he said he did but I believe he didn't cause all he could comment on was what I mentioned in the first paragraph... whatever
7. Why does he continue on with me, why subject yourself to me if I am so bad, just stop being my friend and talking to me all together
8. Why does he not take me seriously
9. Why he does not believe that my motives from last night are not what I say they are... he hates when people try to tell him what he is doing when he is telling them what they are doing ... ok so is it ok for him to do it to me
10. Am I way to involved in this relationship... am I putting to much into this like will I really reap the rewards in the end or just have a big broken shattered in a million pieces heart.

I don't know what to do, but I needed to get it all out. All the things I was thinking about are just things in my head, yeah they are what is on my mind right now but not meant to hurt anyones feelings (you know who you are). It is not wrong for me to think these thoughts right? I still have a million and one things to do before tomorrow mornings flight. Yeah I will be definitely be up all night. It would be nice to have some feedback like if I was actually talking to someone.

Loving Him and Loving Me... What is wrong?

I knew I would be back. Today has turned into much worse than I expected. It all starts from communication with him. I don't know what to do anymore. I just sat on my bed and prayed about it, asking God to just continue to work on us and bless us both. He hurts me so much sometimes. The little things that I do in our relationship, he doesn't appreciate. I just wanted to know if he was safe. He said I was nagging him and frustrating him, I didn't intend on that being his reaction. I didn't mean for that to be what it was. Everything that I do it is me nagging or frustrating him, and now I don't believe his mother even likes me anymore. He tells her about me and I don't know exactly what he says but she is only getting one side of the story. I am not perfect and in no way ever going to be perfect, but I try. Ever effort I put forward to show him that I am trying ( cause he always says that actions speak louder than words) it always ends up as I am pissing him off or nagging him or irritating him. Like I don't know what to do anymore. I asked the Lord to show me what it is that I need to do where I need to go from here. I love him so very much, I would give my life for this man. I dread if something were to happen to him, and then if I didn't know about it. It scares me. I have a huge fear of death and not so much as other people's deaths but my own. Since being with him I have the same fear for him to. Life is too short now a days and people are losing their lives left and right, and it scares me. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. Especially when we are going through stuff like this. We are always into it over miscommunication and I told him that we should work on that cause it is are one and only problem that hinders our progress in our relationship. He told me no. And yet this is what has happened, we have miscommunicated once again. I just wanted to know he was safe and he thought I was nagging and frustrating him. That hurt my feelings when he said that, it always does. I don't ever intend to nag or frustrate or irritate him, and I wish he understood that and I wish I could tell his mother that also. I don't mean to be confrontational with him, sometimes he just really upsets me, he never understands why I am upset, but he does. And then he never cares to understand why he has frustrated me. I always try to work on us even when I am frustrated, I try. I try to keep us talking so that we come up with a reasonable solution to the current problem, I try to change the conversation and talk about other happier things, whatever I do it never works and it gets overlooked as being nagging and irritating and frustrating. I don't know what to do, God I don't know. I asked for God to show me what I need to do, and to stay in both or our hearts as we go through these tough times with each other. Even after all of this I still believe that we will get over this and make it through all of the hardships we are going through right now. I know that we will be happy and in love with each other again someday, but I don't know how to make him see that. And I don't know if he even believes that. Sometimes I think I want to ask the Lord for the strength to move on and forget about him and our relationship but that would be my mind speaking and not my heart. My heart tells me to hold on and I believe that is what the Lord would want for me to listen to. I love him so much I would give anything and everything I have (which is not much) for us to just be happy again and together again like nothing even happened. Today I thought about the night when my life changed, the night that the incident happened and he parted from me. It makes me sick on the inside I hate it and wish I could just go back. I wish that I knew then what I know now and I wish I understood then what I understand now. I know that me yelling and cussing and fussing is not going to get anything accomplished, especially with him. He is so stubborn and he takes guard to his feelings and emotions. He has only had one real time where he has been vulnerable with me and he knows that time (no need to bring it up). I find myself always being vulnerable with him and letting my guard down for him and yet he never does that with me. I don't know what to do about that but I understand it more now than I ever did before. I understand that he likes to work on his problems by himself and just be alone when something is bothering him. I understand that neither one of us are good at communicating how we feel with one another, especially him, and I don't know if that is cause he chooses to be that way or he really does not know how to. I am trying to fix the things that I can and just accept the things that I can not change about him. I wish he would do the same and yet I know he won't . I believe he will always think that I am nagging him regardless of what is going on, I accept that, I just wish he would react the way he does. I want him to know that I never intended for any of this and that if I could I would erase all the bad from our relationship so far. We have overcome so much in a year and have gone through so much. I know we are supposed to be together, nobody goes through all of this for nothing in the end. But maybe it is not for nothing maybe there is a bigger picture here and we have yet to see it. I just want to be happy and I want to be happy with him, I want him to be happy mostly- and yet I don't know how to make him happy. I have done nothing but cause him grief and problems since he started to talk to me and I am so sorry for that. I spent a lot of our relationship apologizing for making his life so bad, I always felt it was so bad cause he would make it seem like if it weren't for me he would be happy and not going through this mess right now. Yeah sometimes I think that way too about him but I love him and I am willing and I know I am able to go through it in order to be happy in the end. I know that everything is not peaches and cream and that it will get worse before it gets better and I believe that is why I have been so committed to this relationship. I know that all of the tears and all of the pain right now will work out in the end. All of his irritation and frustration with me will not be for nothing. I mean why would we go through all of this if we weren't going to be happy with one another again. If not then all of this is pointless, all the tears and frustrations, and yelling and everything we have built up til now is for nothing, what a waste. I don't believe it though, everything will be OK and even though I am hurting right now and I can't stand him I still love him with all of my heart and I still believe. I try not to let the bull that we go through effect my whole outlook of our relationship, yeah I am mad at him and he gets on my last nerve but I still love him regardless and there is no one else I would rather be upset with but him. Sometimes I feel like he lets every situation we go through effect how he feels about me and how he views me. I don't understand cause I still feel the same way regardless to the tears and the pain, I still love his stubborn behind.

One day left before I board the plan to fly home to cold Ohio. I think I have not been wanting to go home, but I think now I am excited about it. I will only be home for a week that is all I can take. My not sleeping at night is taking a toll on me, I have slept all day and I am not too happy about it. Like I could have been doing something productive with my time, like reading and finishing my book. I woke up to a wedding special on the Style Network. It was beautiful they got married in Italy and just everything from the bridesmaid dresses to the church everything was very pretty. I want all of that, and I don't know why I just sit around and watch these stupid shows they just make me sad, but they are so damn pretty. I look forward to the day that all of that will come together for me. I don't want a large wedding, just simple, close friends and family on the beach as the sun goes down. I know whenever it is it will be beautiful no matter cause I will be with the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Speaking of him I am highly upset with him. He went out last night and I texted him and called him numerous times and he didn't respond back. I am a bit of a safety worrier and I just wanted to make sure he was safe. I wake up today and I don't even have a missed call, text message nothing. I am so disappointed with him and whatever he was doing that he could not respond to me. He has never not responded to me he always lets me know he is OK and always replies back cause he knows how I am. He probably thinks that I was trying to check up on him and honestly no I was not I just like to make sure he was safe. I didn't care what he was doing, if he was doing something that I would not approve of I can't do anything about it anyways cause he is there I am all the way over here. I would like to know what was going on for him not to have answered his messages on his phone. I am really upset about it, but I know I have to stay calm.
Anyways, today I have a lot to do so I will get to it. I have this feeling that I will be back though that I will have something to write about.

Nothing to Say

The past two days have been cool. I have just been relaxing and spending time with some friends. I have not been doing anything real productive but I have been keeping busy sitting around having " Girls Night " two nights in a row. I have not really had anything on my mind per se nothing really bothering me significantly enough for me to write about. I guess I am getting to a good place in my life. I am so happy and thankful, Thank You Lord for this moment of peace I feel in my life right now. It feels good to be in a good place in my life. I have not been sleeping to good and have not been reading my book, I do regret that but I have been feeling good though no real sadness for real. My ex and I have been having productive conversations with no real arguments which is really good for us right now. Although he is being quite inconsiderate right now by not texting me back, I just want to make sure he is safe. He had told me he was going out and I just like to know that he is OK, I don't know maybe that is that whole maternal thing about me. But other than that we are cool. Today I got to think about a few things:

1. How petty we (females) can be
2. How petty all people can be- why do people have to demean others to make themselves feel better, why are people so cut throat.
3. There are some really sick people out there - anyone who is able to kill their own child and go out to the club just days after she was reported missing is a sick ass individual-R.I.P to baby Caylee Anthony
4. There is way too much racism, bigotry, and negative stereotyping going on today- come on it is 2008 and we are way smarter than what we show
5. How much fun it is to just play cards with the girls
6. Why do we care about celebrities lives - like they are human just like us, and they bleed and breathe oxygen just like us... so if we don't find other people's lives (particularly you and I) to be interesting then why the hell do we care about theirs.

Well I guess this is it for me nothing to much going on for real I feel myself getting a headache, probably because it is way past my bed time and I am getting tired.

Test and Testimony... and some!

Well today ... what can I say. It was not a yesterday, it was not that bad though. Today I received some bad news about something I had planned for the future and that I would not be able to accomplish my goal because of my grades. Yeah, grades posted today, and they were not bad actually. They were honestly the norm, but I expected way better, like three "A's" instead of one and no "C's", one of my teachers definitely let me down. I will go and see what I can do about my grades and see if I can get any of them changed to bring my GPA so that my future plans will still be able to go into affect. But maybe it is not meant to happen. I don't. I called my ex and he told me to look at like this, maybe it is not in God's plan for me right now in my life and that maybe He is protecting me from something in the future. It would just be nice to have accomplished that for myself.
Just dealing with that disappointment today, kind of put a lot of the things I am going through right now in my life in perspective. All of this bad stuff is still happening to me, it is almost like I am being punished. I don't know maybe I need to take another look at what I am doing wrong. Like why is all of this happening to me, it's not enough to just be broke, unemployed, knee high in debt, and not graduating. I am trying to stay positive, but it is so hard, it is hard to smile through the pain. I don't know what to do it is hard. I pray and read my bible everyday and work on me everyday, but nothing seems to be letting up. Like I don't expect for things to be easy but I just wish that the bad could stop happening to me. Like I just want to get through some of all of this that I am already going through now before something else falls on me. I will continue to pray cause that is all I have.
Today my ex asked me a very important question that I could not answer. He asked me what do I bring to the relationship. He was able to tell me what he felt he offered and I just could not come up with a legitimate answer. So I have been thinking about it all day and I am still thinking about it. Him and I have a good relationship with each other like we have a good connection with each other. I don't know if that is because we have opposite personalities but maybe that is the reason why we have problems. No, we have problems because we don't communicate effectively with each other, especially when it comes to problems in our relationship. We both have two totally different ways of handling things and that is a cause for issues we face in our relationship. I still think we are learning about each other and each others ways so we will get it down one day (hopefully).

Good Days and Apologies!

I have been doing really good today. No for real thinking about a certain someone and a certain situation. I did think about the good times though. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine today about a friend of hers who is with a dead beat guy, who doesn't deserve her and treats her bad. Like for instance she got into a car accident and he left her at the hospital by herself with no way to get home. That is horrible. The whole conversation made me think of him and how I am happy he is not a bad person to me, like yeah I know I right about how bad he treats me and what not and make everything seem so much more than it is, but really he is a great guy. He has always and still is a very good person to me and he takes care of . I love it and I am blessed to have him. When I got sick and had surgery from my kidney stone at the end of last school year he took me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole night and didn't leave my side. I really appreciate everything he has done for and I know I may complain a lot about him (believe me I know) but he has a great heart and he really does love me ( you have to, to put up with me for a year). Anyways I guess I want to apologize to him for the past couple of days of tears and madness about nothing. Yeah I feel a lot better today, I was able to know that everything was going to work out in the end. The Lord heard my prayers and answered them. Thank You!!! I am still staying optimistic about this whole "real life" crap I am going through right now but everything will smooth itself out, I know it will. I got to talk to my cousin-in-law today, I think he is a great man and my cousin is a lucky fortunate woman to have met a man who loves her and willing to spend the rest of their life with her. I want that too! I think after he purposed I went marriage crazy and that has been my goal ever since. Like I just want everything to work out like a fairytale for me also. Anyways we talk a little about my future plans after graduation this year and what I have been up to. You know the same ol same, but I enjoy talking to him cause he has a good insight on things and he a spiritual man.That was my day... Good... didn't do a whole lot of anything but either way it was good! I guess I will go read my book or continue to listen to music now and fall asleep til tomorrow.

Friends ... How many of us have them?

My life has always been a open book, especially with friends or at least people I call my friends. I have just always been so free with letting people know about my life and everything I have been through. I have been told that one should not tell everything to everyone. With all that has been happening now I have seem to shut myself off from a lot of people I use to be close with. This blog has been wonderful, like I can freely communicate my emotions and what not with people I don't know and who don't know me, so therefore they can't judge me. And if they do who cares I will never meet them in my life. The blog has been my friend where I have made my friends absent in my life and has allowed me to keep in touch with myself (and my ex who reads regularly,even though we talk everyday, he likes it cause he gets to know what I am thinking and feeling). I am really bad with keeping in touch with people I hate talking to people on the phone, I would much rather talk to them in person. My friends from high school, the Fab 5, as we called ourselves is like all I really have. I have not really kept up with them like I should. When we all left to go to college four years ago we just didn't keep in touch like we should have. However I can say I did keep in touch with two people from high school, my best friend Danielle ( The Fab 5) and my best friend Tierra. They were the only ones who I have kept and maintained a relationship with and the only true friends that I can honestly say I have. They have been there for me in my worst and they love me and would do anything for me and I feel the same about them. When I had problems at home with my mother I would go to their house and crash, I have practically lived with both of them somewhere within our friendships. They know me the best and they are such good friends, when I am having a bad day and going through things they know how to make everything feel better or at least make it sound better. We have always been able to encourage each other even though we all have had our share of bad decisions. I love them.
My best friend of over 15 years I have not even kept in touch with. She was my first friend and we grew up together, cause she lived next door to my grandparents. The point is I have bad relationship problems with people. Like I can honestly say I only have two best friends. The people I have met in college, I don't plan on being friends with them for the rest of my life. I have gone through so many friends and so many cliks, I have almost been friends with everyone on campus. But my current friends I have one group of friends who I just have been avoiding and one that I don't spend enough time with. Lets talk about the first group. This group includes my roommate whom I have known since freshman year and Ms. C and Ms. Bri. They are cool to kick it with and what not. My roommate and I have a good friendship we almost do everything together. Ms. C is a friend by association type thing she is a friend of my roommate, we just kind of developed our own friendship too. And Ms. Bri, my insane friend, no really the bitch is crazy. But we have a lot in common, sad to say, we became associates through seeing each other in classes, and then we became friends after we had discovered we had the common factor that our boyfriends were roommates. We ended up spending a lot of time with each other cause we were always at our boyfriends house so we started to kick it and what not. OK so now that I have given the background lets talk about why I am avoiding them. My roommate, we come from two totally different backgrounds; she is very family oriented she loves her parents ( surprise surprise she grew with a mom and a dad) and her sisters and she gets very emotional about that fact, me I don't have strong ties to my family , don't get me wrong I love them, me and my mom we have issues , I love my brother and sister to death (they are my heart) and I love my grandparents. Like I have been to hell and back, and back to hell again in my life so many times she would never understand, and if it is something she doesn't understand then she judges it. I have not bothered to share with her anything I am going through cause I don't feel like being judged or having to try to explain myself to her. She judged me for living with him this summer. I didn't want to, but I had nowhere else to go and I refused to go home to my mother. For the life of her she couldn't understand that, she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to go home, and I didn't want to have to explain it over and over. OK Ms. C we don't have a strong enough relationship for me to trust her enough to tell her my business. She cool to kick it with and go out with it, but yeah something is not all there. Ms. Bri, besides the fact that she is crazy as hell, she is just a lot to deal with at one time, and most of the time I don't feel like being bothered. She got about as many problems as I do and us getting together to talk about problems is not going to help neither one of us. She can't give me any kind of help, or advice, she is a great ride or die type friend and she has been there for some things in my life over the past year but yeah, neither one of us can help each other. They are all good friends especially my roommate and Ms. Bri but they all have issues with me and how I am an inadequate friend to them, and I admit that I am. I don't have great relationships with people, my fear is that I am turning into my mother. She has no friends or none that I know of. She never goes out and just has lunch with the friends or has dinner parties with her friends it always just her and her kids. Maybe that is a sacrifice my mother made to become a mother, and I appreciate it, but at the same time her life is miserable and unhappy. I don't want to be mother, alone with and angry all the damn time. Now my other friends here at school that I don't spend that much time with are the ones I made while marching in the band. I was a flag girl for 2 years in the University marching band and I have developed good relationships with some of the other flags. We are still good friends and still kick it and what not. We don't spend a lot of time together mostly cause they are the unreliable group of friends, the ones that don't answer their phones when you need them. So as far as telling them what is going on I choose not to cause we don't spend enough time with one another to get anything accomplished. It is kind of hard doing this with no one but my ex. He never believes me when I tell him he is all I have. He knows me on a level that most people will never know me and the only people I think that know me that way is Danielle and Tierra. I don't want to share myself with these people I have created some bad relationships with people and have left bad taste in a lot of people's mouths even the ones who call themselves my friends. I look at it like this, some years down the line when I am getting ready to get married will I be able to count on them to be there. I use this example cause it came about when me and my ex were talking about all the people whom we wanted to be apart of the wedding party. He had this overly long exaggerated list of like 15 groomsmen and I could only come up with like five girls who I wanted to be in my wedding, three of them who I was a little unsure of. He always asks what happened to all of my friendships with people. And now that I remember it was this whole friendship conversation that showed me that I had a problem that needed to be fixed, it was the catalyst for the events to come (how crazy is that). But he just didn't understand why I didn't have a lot of the friends that I use to. I told him cause I didn't value friendship really. But really now that I look at it, it is cause people are funny acting and yeah they are your friends one minute and the next you aren't important to them anymore. In college I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me, females are fake, judgemental, manipulative, beings they are horrible friends, and only when you can find a group who you really fit with then you can call them friends. I guess that is why I have had so many friends over the past four years, constantly redirecting my life and what I want and what I need and a lot of the time the people in my life were not fitting with what those things were that I needed or were trying to accomplish. And I guess that is where I am now in my life, once again redirecting it and finding that the people in my life just really ain't fitting there anymore, my puzzle has changed again. I know that the entire four years have not been a waste though. I have met some great people who I know will accomplish some great things, I have met and made some friends who I will stay friends with for a long time, I have met some who I will probably not contact five years from now. I met the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with and yet he is a pain in my ass, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What else can I say ....

I think that maybe I have gone blog crazy. I am writing like three times a day. I have too much going on and I am still trying to work on that whole positivity thing and changing the things in my life that I can change and accepting the things that I can not. I am feeling stressed and just cause I expected to live this great positive life I guess it is just normal to still get stressed out. I am going home for Christmas. I leave on next Sunday and I am flying with Northwest Airlines. I have never flown Northwest I always fly Southwest but because of transportation issues to and from airports I was stuck flying out of the city I am in with the small airport, instead of going to closer city with a larger airport. Yeah so I am stuck flying on Northwest and they suck all the way. Like I love Southwest airlines they have great rates, and great perks for their customers such as free baggage check for up to 2 bags and you get 2 carry-ons and you can change your flight date without any cost. These are just a few of the issues I have ran into in traveling with a new airline that I have had to compare.I am rather disappointed with the fact that I have to pay to check one piece of luggage, I don't get to check that one piece of luggage for free I have to pay! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. Like do they expect people to not travel with luggage like they charge for each piece. It is inconvenient and I don't appreciate it. Like if anything, the airline should include the charge of baggage into the price of the entire ticket if they just have to charge. Hey, they making their money though I guess, whatever they are just as bad as banks, using the fine print to get over on people and making a profit. I call my ex so that I can talk cause I found myself getting really frustrated with the situation and when I think about one bad thing going on in my life I think about all the bad things in my life. I guess I can try my hardest to dismiss my problems and be positive about them and working on how to change them but I guess until something good happens they are always there in the back of my mind waiting to attack. Most of the time I just need to do something to take my mind off of it or could use some encouraging words. But anyways, I call to talk to him and he was very non responsive and really didn't help at all. He thinks that when I come to him with my problems that I am looking to him for advice like he has all the answers and I need him to tell me what to do. I know that he is not a know-it-all and that he doesn't have all the answers, but I at least look for some kind of response from him. He always just sits on the phone and doesn't say anything and when I ask what he thinks he can never tell me he is just so non-responsive. It drives me so crazy, I want him to listen but I also want him to be the person to tell me everything is going to be alright and that I should not worry about it. He could at least encourage me or make me feel better, I can't even get that anymore. Whatever, I am over it, I don't have anyone to go to and talk to about my problems, all I have is this damn blog. Like I know that if I need to talk I can always call him and I don't have that out of anybody else. Everybody else in my life either makes themselves unavailable to me after a certain time or are just completely unreliable and never answer their phone. He is kind of the only person that is a constant thing in my life, I know I can call him and he will be there. Lately he just has not been as encouraging as I would like for him to be, but just like he told me I should not place expectations on him cause we are not together. Whatever, that is a whole load of bull in my opinion. Like if you know that I come to you with my problems and that I trust you with my personal information why not try to be more supportive and more encouraging. When he was going through his little "BF" this week I tried to be encouraging and tell him that everything will be OK and I let him have his space cause I know that that is what he needs to function through a problem. I just wish the act was returned sometimes to me. I can say that if I ever need to talk I can call him and he will answer which is more than I can say for most people. I will go pray about it now and for the strength to continue to forge my way through the storm. I can always count on my faith to have my back.

Intoxicated by the Music

Music. It is so captivating. I have so much respect for real recording artist cause they are able to escape the real and release their stresses and emotions through a medium that all people take part in. They get to share a part of them that most people don't get to share. I love music, I love listening to it. I grew up with music all the time. I played clarinet and I sang in the school choir. Music is so expressive and it can touch so many people in their every situation. I have been listening to music all day long ( which is really good cause I have not watched TV all day and it is Saturday). I have found a few songs today that have been able to really kind of explain how I am feeling and what is going on with me and this whole relationship thing. Let me just say that this break up ish is hard and is for the birds. Beyonce's new CD "I am Sasha Fierce" is phenomenal. Like I had only been listening to the second CD with all the fast songs on it but today I looked up the lyrics to the songs on the first CD and I noticed that a lot of them related to me or how I am feeling or how I want to feel. It really is a great CD and I feel stupid for neglecting it for so long. I have been listening to it mostly ( for like the past 3 hours) while I clean up and do my hair. All of the songs on the CD really hit home for me in some way and they are just so beautiful by themselves. Beyonce is such a truly talented singer in my opinion. Most songs that I like or that I have in my top songs I like them cause I can relate to them in some way or I connect with the message of the song. Like yesterday, I had to make a reference to the Plain White Tee's " Hate is a Strong Word" song ( I love them by the way) cause that was how I was feeling at the time. One thing that I can say for me and my ex is our love for music. It is like a release for us (well at least for me). Listening to a good song can bring out so many emotions, you could cry or dance around your apartment half naked like in Risky Business., it can uplift a situation and change moods. I know like when I am at a wack party and the DJ really sucks like it will just take one of my favorite party songs to come on for me to get in the mood and ready to party.
But anyways, the first song that touched me and how I feel or how I want to feel is Beyonce's " Disappear" The song say: "If I begged and if I cried, would it change the sky tonight? Would it give me some light? Should I wait for you to call? Is there any hope at all? Are you drifting by? When I think about it I know that I was never there or even cared. The more I think about it the less that I was able to share with you. I try to reach you I can almost feel you. You're nearly here and then you disappear. And when I lie all by myself I see your face an I hear your voice. My heart stays faithful and time has come an time has passed. If it's good it's got to last, it felt so right."
The next song from the CD would have to be "Broken-hearted Girl", (right how typical of me). " If everything about you never were, the nothing about you could have been. But still you live inside of me, so tell me how is that. You're the only one I wish I could forget, the only one I love to not forgive, and though you break my heart, you're the only one and though there are times I hate you cause I can't erase the times that you hurt me an put tears on my face. And even now when I hate you it pains me to say i know I'll be there at the end of the day. There's something that I feel I need to say. Up til now I've always been afraid that you would never come around and still i wanna put this out, you say you got the most respect for me, but sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me. And still you're in my heart. But you're the only one and yes there are times when I hate you but I don't complain, cause I've been afraid that you would walk away. But now I don't hate you I am happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day I don't wanna be without you babe. I don't want a broken heart, don't wanna take a breath without you babe, I don't wanna play that part. I know that I love you but let me just say I don't want to love you in no kind of way.... I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl"
I think that everyone who has every dealt with love issues should go listen to both of them.
Danity Kane also had a good song on their last album called "Poetry" talking about how the girl had been being neglected by the man and how she didn't know what to think he was driving her insane with all the mixed messages either you love or me or you don't.
I felt that writing about the songs would give me something to do and would keep me busy. It also kind of gives me a way to express myself through other people's words which is good. Sometimes we don't know how to say it and sometimes it takes for someone else to say it for us to really get a good understanding of it.

Inspirations from Church

Today was a good day. I woke up and went to church and got a lot done. Today in church the sermon was about "The Stewardship of Time". I love the church I go to because the pastor really takes the time to break down the bible so that we can take the word and apply it to our lives. But the sermon basically was talking about how we make plans without including God. We started out first by discussing how to seek God prayerfully or through prayer. The Bible says ask and you shall receive. The story we were reading from was from James 4:13-17, and was about how these people had this perfect plan about going to a city and making a great profit. They understood who, what, when, where, and why, which are all very important factors in making a plan. However, they forgot to include God into those plans, my pastor called this pretentious planning, when you leave God out. He also told us about presumptuous planning, where we can't handle the events of today but we want to worry about tomorrow. Take care of today first, you must live in the now and the today and not tomorrow, for the Word says that tomorrow is not promised, that our lives are like a fog, here one minute and gone the next. The purpose of the sermon was really to get us to understand that life is too short to worry about tomorrow, not to say that planning is not good, but what good is it without God. My pastor gave us a few notes of advice saying that we should go to God first with our plans and ask him what his will is for ourselves. Secondly he said that we should write our plans out in pencil and not in ink so that God can erase anything that He does not want in our lives. He finally gave us the option of sitting down and evaluating how we spend our time. He told us that there are 3 things you can do with time: you can spend time, waste time, or invest time. The thing to consider seriously is how much time do you waste. You could be spending more time with God, rather than worrying about something that God will take care of in the end anyway. You could invest more time in your daily devotion to God, instead of investing time in watching TV. My pastor said that "if you know better than do better" meaning that if you know that you could do all of these things that you may not do, you should do them and not waste time.
The service was really good and it really touched on what is going on in my life right now. Dealing with my whole graduation issue is something that I have to just wait out and let God handle cause I have done all that I have in my power to do. My cousin told me at the end of church that if it be in God's will for me to graduate in May then I will and not to worry about it now. Also at the service today a women who gave her life to Christ today as a candidate for baptism gave us her testimony. Her story really touched me and I was emotional about it cause it was not just only sad and tragic but it was also a prophecy of what was just taught to us by our pastor that life is too short. Her and her fiance were in church one Sunday and he had rode his motorcycle to church ten minutes down the road on the highway he was in a fatal accident. The week that his funeral took place was the week that they were to be married. She got up there and she told us how she had just came straight from the airport to church to tell us about this man she had met and how she had left her phone in another city. The significance of this was that the man had given her reassurance that everything was going to be OK. In light of all of this, her flight had been extended and she had no way of contacting the person who was to pick her up from the airport. But something told her not to worry about it and that her friend was going to be there to get her, and when she arrived her friend was there, and she told her that she almost left but something told her to stay. And the women from church said that was the Holy Spirit. God knows what you need before you even have a need for it, he will take care of you before the storm even hits. It is so good to know that someone has my back, when I can't see it myself.

Personal Victory #1

So I tried to go out tonight and I don't think I enjoyed it, like yeah I had fun being able to be out with some old friends but I think I just felt really out of place, I don't know. And then being around all of the drinking and what not was just kind of like what is the point. It's funny I always use to drink at every party, I couldn't wait til the next one so I could drink. I don't have the desire to drink anymore and get drunk, for what. My freshman and sophomore year it was just drink to drink, no real purpose. Around my sophomore year I started drinking as a means to release tension, or anxiety, or just bad feelings all together. If I was upset I would drink. I quickly had to get out of that, that is the first signs of alcoholism. When me and my current boyfriend started talking and he expressed to me how he felt about me drinking I had it in my mind that I would not drink as much and would more so make it a social thing when I was out with friends and just have one. He wanted me not to drink altogether, none, and I told him I would. And yet I know that I had slipped up more than once and drank but I never got drunk. I have always had the best intentions when it came to drinking and being with him, I knew how he felt so I didn't want to do it to upset him and to make him happy. Now that we are where we are, I still feel like I don't need to drink. I know that he does sometimes but it is never a getting drunk thing. Tonight was just very long and I definitely felt like it was way past my bed time. I have church in the morning. I don't know but maybe this is a new side of me. That whole going out to the club and every party is old and tired and I don't need to be seen in it anymore, it never validated me and showed who I truly was. I like being M.I.A where when people do see you me they ask "where have you been, I haven't seen you in so long". I am getting my life together I want to say, if only people knew what I was going through when they see me. However, I just tell them that I have been working on graduating, which I have, but with all the resent developments in my life I have been working on that and some other things. I feel proud of myself, I feel like I am growing up and maturing, slowly but surely. This whole recovery thing is not that bad I feel good about myself and all of the situations that I am in. I can sit and say I am positive about all of the negative things in my life, Iknow it has only been a couple of days since but I feel good. I know that of course sometimes I may fall short and may feel bad about some things sometimes, but I think it is normal as long as I am able to bounce back and reflect on the positive again. I feel the change in me and though some may not be able to see it I will work extra hard to show it and show how I am feeling. Nothing is going to change in a day, and I know that, and yeah I know that I am not all that I can be yet but I am getting there. Change is always happening, it is an evolving activity. I will forever be changing and growing and learning about myself and the world. I will constantly be learning how to manage my emotions and how to deal with change. Loving myself is going to be constantly changing as I get older and things change, but it is learning to love myself through all of it is what makes the difference.

Expectations and Chapter 3

Expectations, they are a funny thing. I have lived my whole life on expectations and have constantly lived in disappointment. I always expect something or expect for things to be a certain way in my life and in the situations in my life, and when things don't go that way I am always upset, mad, and disappointed. I believe a lot of people do this and it is a driving force in a lot of people having problems. I am really bad with this I always expect something and when it doesn't happen I always get mad and show out. That is just how I have been, things don't go my way and I get mad. If someone does not give me the answer that I want I am pissed, when someone does not do something that I want or expected them to do I am upset. Working on controlling my anger and emotions I have come to realize this part of myself and how I always let my expectations run my emotions is unhealthy. Someone once told me that you can expect anything from anyone but yourself. I am slowly getting that through my head as the days go by. The past couple of days have been what they have been because of my expectations that I placed on the situations I was in. On Thursday I went to a Christmas Ball hosted by a sorority at my school, it was really nice and me and "friend"/boyfriend/ex (whatever) looked really nice and ended up having a really nice time. I was a little upset at the beginning of the night cause he left me to go and greet people and I didn't expect for him to just leave me like that. It kind of put me in a rut an a bad mood but I got out of it and had fun. Then as we were leaving I made a smart somewhat mean comment to him, like we have always done with each other, totally disregarding that the night before I had told him that I wanted him to stop being mean to me and we agreed to watch what we say to one another. So he was pissed at me and called me a hypocrite, which in a way I was, and I had become upset cause I didn't expect for us to end the night like that. Because my expectations were deterred I grew even more upset with the situation that was taking place at the present time. Learning how to not expect things and not place expectations on things in my life is where I am right now. When you set yourself up for expectations you set yourself up for non-realistic thoughts and rather disappointing outcomes.
I believe that I have made some good progress in understanding me and the way that I am currently and how to change the way that I am. In the book that I am reading it tells you to take a look at yourself and the roles you play in life and a couple of goals of those roles and decide whether you are happy with what you come up with. The chapter I just completed is called begin with the end in mind. The chapter starts out first by discussing visualizing your funeral and what people would have to say about you. From the visualization you are then suppose to determine if you are happy with what people would say about you and what you would want people to say about you. I am not to fond of the idea of death and so therefore I was not to excited with exercise itself, but I still did it. I would want people to say that I was a good person who really cared about people and worked everyday to make someone else's life better. I would want them to say that I was a good motivator, great mother, good friend, good listener, and someone to look up to. Right now in my life I have to figure out how to get there. The whole principle of "beginning with the end in mind" is based on personal leadership. The book discusses how we need to use our imagination and conscience to work on our personal leadership. This chapter discussed a lot about visualizing situations and seeing how we would react to the situations. It stated that if we can work on how we handle different situations in our life before they occur we can be highly effective in making changes in our lives along with being a more successful person. It talked about using visualization and affirmation as an exercise of making changes in our lives. Also it talked about writing a personal mission statement including our life roles and goals and what we want to accomplish like what our values are. All of that kind of goes back to the beginning exercise with the funeral with establishing what your values are and what you want to accomplish with your life, you can only do that once you know what your values are.
My Affirmation: It is fulfilling and pleasing that I respond with love and self control when I am upset with people.
My Life Roles and Their Goals: Christian, as a Christian I will continue to grow closer to God by being a service to God and his Kingdom and the people around me, nourishing them with the love of God. Student, as a student I will graduated with a 3.0 accumulative GPA by being on time and working as hard as I can (never giving up or just being mediocre), and controlling my actions in the classroom. I will also learn all that I can learn and take advantage of all learning experiences and opportunities. Friend, as a friend I want to be a supportive, good listener who loves them throughout all of the drama.
One day things will be good and I will be a more effective person in society and my relationships with people. I am growing happy with the more that I discover about myself and the things in my life that I now know that I can change and knowing how to change them. I received some heartbreaking news on Friday, and yes I cried in fact I boohooed, I cried so hard, but I stopped and I took in to account that I need to look at my other options and seek out some other opportunities. Yeah having the support of my friend and having him to talk me through it was helpful but I really could not stop crying until I realized that I did have other options. I guess I am making progress, I was able to get up and not be depressed about the news I realized that all I can do is to wait til Monday. I am learning to be more positive and to look at things more positively, I know that I sometimes I fall back on to old habits but I really do see a change in the new ones that I have been making in my life. I love it!!!!!

Searching and Finding!!!

As each day goes on I grow happier and happier with my situation. I have really taken a desire to bettering myself and becoming a more effective person in society. I have really been able to take a look at myself and the things that I go through and look at why I go through them. I am in charge of my destiny and I always knew that but I never understood it, not like I do now. I control what happens to me and the decisions I make are reflections of my character. As I continue to read the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" I continually learn new things about myself. I am a highly reactive person, meaning that I am always blaming the situations in my life on the conditioning or the conditions surrounding me. I am the kind of person who has a bad day when the weather is bad. The first step the book discusses is about being proactive, meaning taking the initiative and being responsible for my actions and behaviors. The weather is a good example, reactive people let the weather affect them whereas proactive people make their own weather, they understand they are in charge of their emotions and their feelings. I have always let my feelings and my emotions run my life, I have been highly dependent upon them. I now see that in letting my emotions run my life I am not truly living life but rather being lived by life. I have no true identity with myself and can only relate to myself through my emotions and not by who I am as a person. The book discusses how reactive people use the word "have" a lot in the since of "If I only had this in my life then everything would be better". Yeah granted I can sit here and say that if I only had a job things would be better, but would they. The only thing that would be solved is a partial part of my financial woes, I would still be unhappy and would also be settling for something, allowing my environment to run my life and allowing my financial situation to run my life. I won't do that! Proactive people use the word "be". I can be more patient and diligent in finding a job instead of focusing on the negative of not having a job. To really break it down basically it address being positive in negative situations. The book says that how we react to the situations we face in life is what causes us the most problems. It says that people can't hurt us yeah they can hurt us physically but they can't control us unless we let them. I have been known to have some over the top reactions to things. For along time I accepted my craziness and when me and my current boyfriend started dating a year ago that all changed. The way I viewed myself changed because of him, I saw how he was displeased with my image and what people thought of me and it bothered me. I didn't understand it then but I understand it now. I had been living a lie masking the true problem with myself not realizing that I was living off of my emotions and feelings I was creating this false me that was not living life at all but rather being lived. I had been doing it for so long I didn't even realize it was happening. I was putting on a front, he always tells me that I always try to act all hard like I am all big and bad, but inside I am just a big softy. He knew me better than I knew myself, he saw things in me I didn't see for myself. I always use to tell him that the Lord placed us together for a reason, and now I think I know what that reason is, well at least part of the reason. I had to find myself and become a better person. I would have never had realized it on my own, but if it had not been for him I would have never wanted to make this change in my life or realized that a changed needed to be made. I am so appreciative of our relationship and feel so blessed to have him everyday in my life. The book also discussed love and how reactive people look at love as if it is an emotion a thing that we feel, when technically love is a verb, an action something that is shown. I believe that him and I show that we love each other everyday and have been doing it for at least a year now and I am so happy to be loved and to be able to love.

Just when you think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel a big boulder comes and blocks the way. On top of all the things that I am going through, I have just recently lost my job. My only source of income, no matter how little it was, I can no longer depend on it. I really just don't know what to do now. Like I have so much going on I have so much to pay for and the holiday's are coming up. Like I am just so disappointed and discouraged right now, but I know that the Lord will make a way. I just have to allow myself to fully give myself to him and let him take control. I needed a new job anyway so this was placed in my life as a test to show how or if I would allow myself to be submissive to Him and not worry about it and know that everything will be ok. Every trial in my life has been for a purpose and this one will serve that purpose. No more old me who always misses the test and never gets the point of going through all of the trials and tribulations of life. I will look at this situation positively and know that it will all be taken care of. The pastor of my church once said that the Lord already knows what you need he knew what you needed before you knew that there was a need for it, and that he has already put into effect the thing that you need in your life. I know that the Lord has already planned this for me and is allowing me to go through this to show me something, I am not quite sure what that is but I am pretty sure that I will know soon enough. The Lord knows what I need and he will take care of it for me. So now that I am once again unemployed I will rejoice to the Lord and pray for my situation. I will not worry or cry about it cause it will do nothing but cause me stress, and I have already proven that stress is no good it will diminish your health and make you physically ill. I will make it through the storm with the grace that God has given me. Like they always say it will get worse before it gets better, and I will continue to pray for the strength to make it through the rain.

The Beginning ... My Reconstruction

I have never blogged before and it was suggested to me as a means of getting my emotions out and keeping my mind busy. I have been going through a lot lately and I am now currently in the process of getting better and making everything OK. So let me start with the fact that I am trying to gain control of my emotions and making myself happy.
I thought I was happy, I had a great relationship with a man who I love so much. He didn't know how to help me so he is giving me the time to help myself so that we can move forward in our relationship. It is so hard to admit you have a problem and now that I have, I need to figure out what to do. I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of analyzing of my situation. I have done some reading up on anger management and self esteem, cause they are my major problems right now. I have been doing a daily regimen of reading my bible and exercise to get myself out of this funk that I am in. It seems to be working some what.
I have always believed that things in life happen for a reason and that God has a purpose for things happening to you. First let me say that I am not any holier than anyone else. I have a strong belief in God and yes I do slip up I do fall back, but so does everyone else.I believe that my current situation is being based on the fact that I ignored the Holy Spirit that was speaking to me Thursday night, telling me to stay home and not go out. I had a strong feeling, like someone was whispering to me in the back of my mind, but I just ignored it. My cousin told me that, it was the Holy Spirit that I was feeling. But I chose to ignore it and the Lord was testing me to see what I would do. I FAILED, clearly cause all of the things that transpired from that one choice made is the reason that I am no longer in the great relationship. My cousin told me that the Lord wanted me to hear what he was trying to tell me He was trying to show the right path and I ignored his direction and because of that he had to take something away from me. I understand it all a little too much now, but it's better late than never, right.
I am unhappy with who I am, and how people view me. Nobody ever has anything good to say about me, it is always something negative. I don't know, I am a likable person but I just have certain things in my personality that I guess people can't just get with. I always have been so misunderstood by everyone around me and I can truly say that there are only like three people in the whole world who really know me and how I am. I am a handful, a live wire, a feisty individual with a whole lot of attitude, but I know that I have something good about me. I guess that lately I have not been able to identify what that "good" thing is. I have literally made myself physically ill with constant headaches, nausea, colds, and flu with all the constant stress and worry I have put in my life.
But now I am on a new path, a path to make myself better and love myself no matter what. I will continue to use my blog to express my self and get out what I need to. Not just that but I will use it to keep my mind busy while I go through this whole process of reconstruction. I need to take this time to really spend with myself, by myself. Being alone is no fun and leaves room for idleness, and "an idle mind is the devil's playground" and I have no time for the devil to bring me down anymore!