what would make me want to blog at 12:34 in the morning.... Idk .... couldn't tell you honestly.... yeah I know lets stop lying....

lets set the mood here or more so just get the scenario of what is going

I am sitting out side on my breezeway drinking wine and blogging under the moonlight watching cars drive by listening to music.... mostly just go rock bottom on repeat.... for those who don't know that is Pleasure P's song with Lil wayne... I love lil wayne.. I remember last summer anticipating his album Tha Carter 3 to come out and how me and my "ex"- boyfriend listened to it all summer long.... that is all we had in the cd player in the car all last summer.... everyday...my mind is so clear right now... I feel completely real right now ... I know I haven't blogged in so long but I have been working on my book... coming soon.. it is going to be great it is going to be a book for young women to read to motivate them to stay focused and keep going and never let anyone, not even a man stop them and hold them back .... but i have also been working too.... I finally got a job ... it is not my dream job ... just a part-time at Red lobster... the Lord is good he heard my prayer and blessed me and I am so thankful. .. i feel so mellow right now.... it feels good ... you know not to have a care in the world ... not worry about anything...my ex went to the movies tonight with another woman ....not a date... but Idk how to take it ......like lately i have been trying to control my emotions and function like a normal person.... I have been doing pretty well as far as trying to function and getting use to it ... you know making it a normal part of life...i went to go see the hangover tonight... man it was funny as hell.... they had the dude in it from Old School who was the wedding singer in old school as the wedding singer in the Hangover.... he was funny as hell again... my ex got me hip to that movie and now it is one of my favorites..... I am so beyond words right now where I am .... I feel good though....

we said we would be friends and I honestly wasn't quite sure about it... i have never been friends with one of my exes ever.... so i didn't know how to take it ....but lately I have been doing very well with it.... i STill am ... I am completely ok with the fact that he went to go see a movie that we should have went to go see together ....the hangover is one of those stupid movies that me and him would watch together .... and we didn't even go see it together.. he went with another female.... I don't know how to feel honestly I don't ... I am not angry or sad I actually feel blank... lol... as funny as that sounds...i keep thinking i am going to cry but no tears come out so I stop acting... I stop making a scene as he always tells me..... I am just chillin.... you know...but the movie was great.... real funny.... transformers was better though.... me and him went to go see transformers... which was way better than the hangover.... it was great, phenomenal..... I guess he is ready to move on maybe i should too.... maybe that is how I should take everything.... as a key to just move on with my life and search for the next guy that will end up breaking up with me cause I am too much for the to deal with.... it is so not fair why can't i find someone who loves me for who I am and they are just happy with who I am .... My life is taking new strides and I am so happy because of it.... so maybe something will work out.... I could probably type all night but that is not what I want to do... so goodnight world til another day
"

Boredom: Jon and Kate fiasco, Graduation Celebrations, Chinese Imperial Dogs

I survived graduation and both my roommates family and my man's. It has been a good past 3 days and I have enjoyed the festivities. I am so ready for everything to get back to normal now in normal....lol. I am proud of all of my "friends" who graduated yesterday and wish them all the best. I was a little down that I couldn't share in the enjoyment because I didn't get that ceremony yesterday but I made it through without being to sad about the whole thing. I got over my irritation from the other day once I finished all of my finals and was able to party with everyone else. Good Times.

I am really bored right now trying to find something to get into. Today is my man's birthday and we spent the majority of the day together with his mother and sister, whom I enjoyed a lot. I am happy for everything he has done in the past two days. His fraternity brothers are throwing him a birthday party tonight. I pray for no mischief and safety. But I know that everything should be all well.

I have been on twitter and on the Internet just trying to keep myself busy. So I have been completely intrigued by the developing situation with Jon and Kate from the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8. So this is my theory on the situation. I feel like he very well could have been spending time with this other woman, but I don't believe that he had any sexual contact with that woman. I have read all the reports and seen all the pictures. I believe that the other woman and her brother are starving for a little 15 minutes of fame and trying to blow the whole situation out of proportion. You must be aware of your surroundings and the people you allow in your surroundings. And how do you cheat on someone you have 8 frikkin kids with, the idea is completely crazy to me.

Next, I have been online looking for the dog that I want to get. Yeah I know I have to find an apartment first but I just wanted to look at the different breeds and see which one's I like. I liked a lot of the little dogs I saw but it was one in particular that I really like, a Chinese Imperial Dog. It was the cutest thing I have seen since my childhood Yorkshire Terrier. It is a special breed and so it is kind of expensive but well worth the money... hint hint! lol.

Oh well done blogging for the night. Need to go figure out what to do with the rest of my night besides sit on this computer... Adios

For everyones information... my blog is my blog . It is what I think, and feel, it is what I am going through and my life. I write to vent and get things out and make myself feel better. It is just like writing things out to get them off my chest so I won't say anything wrong out of my mouth. If you choose to read and be offended or mad or bored, don't read. I don't do it for the readers I do it for myself because it helps me communicate what I am feeling at the time especially when I feel like my life is too much and I have a thousand feelings and thoughts in my mind. Take it as it is or understand that this is me and this is how I handle things whether what I am saying is truth or not it is what it is .
Also half ass answers aren't worth shit. I am very thorough with everything I say and very detailed. I hate when people say whatever or blow me off like what I am saying is not important. I am serious about me and my feelings and I would love to be respected, however you cant always get respect from everyone.
So don't come at me with half ass responses to what I have to say .... I supported the fact that what I said is just an allegation and that I was not necessarily supporting it but I was analyzing all the details. Get it right!!!

Barack and Michelle

Yesterday was truly a monumental day. I enjoyed being able to sit in the warmth of my house and watch the Inauguration of our 44th President Barack Obama. He is such an influential man and I am so happy that he is the new President. Him and his family are just so cool and have so much swag, they are a gorgeous family together. I love Michelle Obama, she is a beautiful, strong, independent black woman. They are just such a great family to aspire to be like. His speech was so good and I liked how he addressed everything and everyone, like worldwide. I love how his wife is always right by his side in everything that he does and how you can tell she is so supportive of him and everything he does. Yesterday when he was sworn in and she stood by his side and held Former President Lincoln's Bible for him she just looked so proud of her strong man, and she was happy to say that that is her husband, the President of the United States. I want that. I want someone to love me like that and I want to be able to love someone like that. They way they look at each other you can tell that they are just so in love and there whole family just looks so loving. I want that all one day, maybe not the whole campaigning for two years and becoming the President, but that whole being supportive of my man whatever he does ( even if he decides to be the President), and having a loving family and knowing that everyday he loves me and appreciates me for who I am and not what they wish I would be. I want a man to look at me and love me and say things like you are my backbone and my heart, the love of my life. I want to be the Michelle to some man's Obama one day and have that same love and devotion and support and trust. I thought I would be able to experience that but maybe if I pray enough God will bless me with that someday. I didn't cry during the swearing in ceremony, but I cred for a good ten minutes when Beyonce performed "At Last" by Etta James ( which is by the way one of my favorite songs and I have been planning to walk down the aisle to it since I was 14) at the Inaugural Ball and Barack and Michelle danced together. It was such a romantic and beautiful moment. I feel like under President Obama's administration that all of us will be able to experience some kind of beautiful moment over the next four years. I look forward to the next four, hopefully eight years and I know that We all shall over come.

Oh yeah I like the benediction to especially the part when he said " black won't have to get back, brown can stick around, yellow can be mellow, the red man can get ahead man, and white will do what's right", or something like that. I thought it was appropriate, that man walked with Dr. King and got to see all the hatred of the time. For him to be able to be alive and give the benediction at the Inauguration of the First Black President was truly monumental. I don't just love Obama because he is a black man, (honestly he is multi-cultural) but because he is so influential. When he speaks you feel him and ever word he says and you really feel a sense of motivation. He is a really driven man, and it shows cause he won something that no one thought he would. I will end off with this which was a quote I heard yesterday in the midst of all the things related to the Inauguration that I watched, " Rosa sat so Martin could walk, Martin walked so Obama could run, and Obama ran so We can Fly"!!! Yes we can... all of us!

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day... a day of Peace, Clarity, & Happiness

My day off from classes, I sit and I just reflect on everything that is going on. I am having difficulty typing, yesterday I broke my nail all the way down to the meat of my finger and it is a swollen and bloody so it hurts like hell to type. I woke up this day from a text message from my roommate who is on her way to Washington D.C. for the grand Inauguration of Barack Obama. She always ponders the things that neither one of us have the answers for. Like how is it some females can get whatever they want from men. It is almost like they pimp them with the goodies, but yet they say they are not sleeping with them. Yeah sure, nothing in this world is free, everything comes with a price. So if some man decides he wants to give $160 out of his pocket for you to go out of town then something has to be going on. I dunno, I can't judge no one, I do know she is getting everything under the sun that she asks for; money, phones, clothes, eating out three days out of the week, the list could goes on. This is my roommates best friend, she is a sweet girl, who loves to party and has an obsession with men and their attention. We have sat for years and tried to analyze her situation and why things are the way they are for her. Is she smarter than us or is this just something she is just fortunate to acquire. Who knows, only God.

I ponder my relationship and why it seems that I am having trouble trusting now. I have given this man all of me and all of my trust, however, it seems that in the light of the situation that it has become hard to trust him. I sat and I thought about this all morning, and it comes from the fact that I believed that he was my knight in shining armor and that he would never do wrong by me or hurt me and because of all the pain that we have been through lately it has been hard to see that fact. It hurts to think that he is capable of hurting, before I knew he wasn't and didn't believe he was, now he has shown me a new side of him that I didn't want to be exposed to. I still love him and still want to be with him, I believe deep down he can most definitely regain my trust, it is not that far gone. I guess what made me think about it was the fact that I have always had little thoughts about what he does when he is not with me and when he is out and about. Yeah I have thought of the things that could be going on, but before I would never allow myself to believe what is going on like maybe I am trippin. Now it seems like he is more prone to do the things that I never believed he would. I am scared of him being with other people, and I am scared of how I will handle it (if it happens). I know that he has trust issues with me, I would never ever cheat on him or even now go behind his back and talk or do something with someone else. He still does his little jealousy thing he has always done with me, even with us not together, and I let him, it makes me feel like he still cares enough. But maybe it is him being selfish too. I don't want to give up on him. In my heart I still hold on to him. Sometimes I want to just listen to my mind and not my heart, those are usually the times when I feel like I have wised up and that I am no longer going to wait and I am through with the whole situation and I am going to move on. But my heart it tells me to stick in there and that all of this is going to be worth it in the end. I know that he loves me and I know he knows that I love him. We would do anything for one another and sacrifice anything. He told me the other night that he feels that he has to re-evaluate things again, like what is important to him. I was apart of those things he has to re-evaluate, he is not sure anymore that I am what he wants. Yeah, this was disappointing for me and yet I accepted it, that is all I can do for him. It is crazy that 4 weeks ago I still mattered to him and was still important to him and was apart of the things that he wants. I have to let him be a man and figure things out for himself, so I will.

Everyone has problems, every relationship has problems. I don't want to be blown off because he has problems, and sometimes I feel like that. I just wish that he understood that if he really wants to be with me that we are always going to have problems, things are going to get worse before they get better. We are going to have hard times in the future and not just now while we think this is pretty bad, but if I am going to want to spend the rest of my life with this man I need to know he is going to be there when the going gets tough and we have a lot on our plates together. I am here and I understand and have learned so much through all of this it is crazy. I have that clarity again, where I see clearly what is going on.

I think about today, and the history of the day. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was a man that I can't even describe in enough words. He did so much for the civil rights movement and was such a figure head for the black community. I feel like we as black people today we need a figure head again, someone who can motivate us and guide us and show us that everything will come to pass. I think about all of the documentaries and movies I have seen about what my people have gone through and it empowers me to want to be a better person in my community and prove that I am not just another black face. Being a student at a historically black university, is a privilege and an honor. I would not trade my experiences here for any other college. To know the struggle and the fight that it took for our ancestors to just have a little piece of land with one little school house on it, empowers me to want to make my university a better place. We as black people have to understand that we have so much working for us that was started by great people who wanted more for our people. Our colleges and universities, our organizations are sacred and mean so much more than just a diploma or piece of paper,or some letters across our chest. They represent a fight that was won by the people before us a fight that we don't respect. Especially the younger generations including mine, we are disconnected from our pasts but there is no excuse for how things are these days. We all should want to be better black men and women, and not just black people but all people. Of course, everyone is not going to see it that way, and that is what makes me so mad with black people and well people in general. Some people don't understand the legacy that they are apart of. I think about all of the HBCU's especially the older ones who like mine were founded back in the late 1800's at a time when black people were still being lynched and beaten just for being black. This was a time when it was not accepted or even thought of of black people, ex slaves, having the same education as white. My mother was only a year old when Dr. King gave his famous speech, I wasn't even a thought at the time but even though we didn't live through the same struggle that the people of the 60's did we are forever impacted by his work. I ever so excited about the inauguration tomorrow. YES WE CAN!!! I believe that Obama can be that figure head for the black community, along with the entire country. For my generation and the generations of the people who witnessed first hand the violence and hatred that black people have had to endure, to see the election and inauguration of Black President is beyond what any word in Webster could describe. I am so proud and happy to have played a part in this historic event and I am so happy to sit here on the day dedicated to a man who's word and actions have made this day possible.

Day 2 ... Schools in Session

So the first two days of classes have been going good so far. I have still been on the constant prowl of finding a job. Today I have once again sent of two resumes to what will be my future current job, hopefully. I have been happy and have been blessed. I have been able to enjoy the company of good people and get some things off my chest.
With our new relationship started my man and I have been doing really good. However, I think that I have a fear of dealing with rejection from him again. For him to tell me that he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship because he enjoyed being single and not listening to rules was crazy. I never expected for him to ever get to that point and he always said he wouldn't especially after his whole fraternity thing. That was a worry of mine before it even happened and he told me that he wouldn't. Dealing with the realization of that made it easier for me to accept the whole thing of us maybe not getting back together. His problem was he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and fortunately and unfortunately that is so not how the world functions. I guess now that we are back good again and back to normal, like I am just scared of being pushed away again. Like I am scared to make myself vulnerable with him cause I don't want to be put into the same position that we just got out of. I don't want to get my heart broken. We kind of talked about it and he told me that what I feared was not the case. I feel better about it. I trust him. If he was to ever break my trust I don't know what I would do. It has taken a lot for me to fully trust him like I do and so it would be devastating. Now we are good and we have been working on our relationship and what not, so I am happy.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with my room mate and a friend of mine. It was a conversation we have had many times before. Basically the part that I wanted to reflect on my blog is the fact that sometimes people believe they are better than other people and just because you are in a position that I want to be in does not mean that determine my fate in anything that I do. Nobody can determine fate for someone but God, he is the only one who knows. I go to a medium sized university and so you could almost know everybody but you more than likely not. The point is that some people of certain groups of people think that they can look down on people and judge them and determine their fate. However that is not the case I don't need these people to determine anything for me. My favorite thing to say is that you are no different from and if I cut you, you will bleed red blood just like me.

First Day of Class

Today is the first day back to classes for me for the spring semester, the last semester of my undergraduate career. I pray that everything goes well today and that I really don't have to face anymore hell out of my University. I look forward to getting this semester through with and working on me and not so much worried about tests, papers, and projects. I will be working very hard this semester, it's my last chance to pull my grades up and I am taking a plethora of classes that I am really not looking forward to taking at all. I am no good in math I just don't understand it and the higher you matriculate in your education the more complicated it becomes. I hope I can make it through these two classes today. I have a lot to do today on top of going to the four classes I have. I still need to find a job , I think I will try on campus and see what is available. I need to find out about this test that I can take to get an automatic pass in a class so that I will meet my graduation requirements. I need to go to the post office, and I need to figure out where and when the hell I will receive my refund check. Sounds like a load of fun.... not at all. Well here I go world off again, Seven semesters down and hopefully one to go!

I am human and at times we all fall back and go astray from ourselves. I am so upset with my current financial situation and I am so upset with being unemployed I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and I finally just got up and said why not start your day since you can't sleep. I stay trying to be proactive in finding a job, trying to stay one step ahead of the game and yet I have not been contacted, not by phone or email, by anyone about an interview or anything. I think it really depresses me. I woke up today and I decided to go back to a good habit I had started for myself, reading my bible and praying every morning. I have gotten away from doing that, and it upsets me. I almost feel hypocritical, the Pastor is always talking about those people who only go to the Lord when they want something or when they are going through something. I am not that person. I had been doing really good with reading my bible everyday and praying all day long ( it was really like twice a day and at every meal, but it felt like it was all day), and I felt at peace when I did it. Like my days were hard yes, but waking up in the morning and being able to breathe another breath felt good and to be able to give thanks to the one who allowed for that to happen felt good. I had mentioned once before that I am not one of those super religious people, and I am not, I have a strong faith in God and I know what he can do for anyone not just myself, as long as you have faith in Him. Having God in my life gives it some kind of purpose, I think about all of the people who walk around and wonder what is their purpose in this world, and only God knows that. Living my life with Him in it allows me to see that purpose everyday a little bit clearer. I know that He will deliver me out of this rut I am in right now, He has delivered me from so much in the past and has allowed me to be strong and press on and work through things. I know that if it be in his will I will get it together and get a financial blessing, and then I will be able to put into effect all of the plans that I have for myself for the future. I know that I can't worry about my phone bill getting paid next week or what I am going to do once the food runs out, or how I plan to pay for my books this semester which I know I desperately need. I am not worried about it cause I know that God has my back and will provide for me. He always has.

All things come to pass

The search for a new job is really hard and it is starting to take a toll on me spiritually. I have been trying to stay positive and trying to stay proactive on my search for a job. It is so hard and maybe it is just me cause I am being picky, I refuse to just work anywhere. My dream job right now while I am in still in school would be to work as an office assistant or a receptionist doing regular clerical work. However I am open to retail, sales, and hotels. I am desperate and maybe I should not be so picky, but I have filled out over thirty applications in the past week and have sent off about five resumes and I have yet to be contacted back, I just don't know what to do anymore. My phone bill is due next week and clearly I won't be going to inauguration like I thought I was going to be able to and I am pissed about it. I have no money saved and don't even have a bank account with a 0 balance to show for anything. I don't want to say I am stressed or worried but honestly I am. I don't know how to survive right now. I do know everything will work out and everything will come together by the grace of God. All I can do is pray about it and hopefully my prayers will be answered soon. On top of the unemployment situation I am still dealing with my future graduation situation. I hope that everything works out with too, cause I really don't want to go off on these people at this school. Yeah that is not the right thing to do, but for them not to let me participate in the relationship for something as stupid as a physical education class that I was told I did not have to take then yes I am going to go off in a big way. But I am not really worried with that cause I know that God will take care of that he already has it in the making, cause He knows too.
Other than the few disappointments that I face my life is good, my relationship is good and I can say that I am happy and don't have a real worry in the world. Despite the fact of having no job and not knowing if I will graduate I know that I will be taken care of and that I will never have a want for anything. I have so much clarity of what I want and where I want to go. I am happy with myself and my situations. I know that everything will be great for me one day and that I will have everything in my heart that I want. I am excited about my future and excited about my future with the man that I love. He has been great, we have spent about a week together and it has been good, we have really enjoyed each others company. I know that him and I together we can make it through anything and can do anything. I am happy blessed and fortunate to have all of those things in my life.

Clarity for the New Year

It has been a minute, but I truly enjoyed my time at home. It was completely relaxed and I got to catch up on some eating of some good soul food. I got to spend time with my brother and sister, who I love so much. I also got to spend some quality time with my mom just talking about random things, but I enjoyed it anyways. I got to see my friends and their families who I have not seen in a year cause I have not been home in a year. I received a lot of clarity on my nine day trip to Cleveland I got to really spend time with myself at home, a place that is comfortable, and really figure things out. I got to catch up on things that I love to do like crocheting and playing video games with my brother and sister. I did a lot of praying and asking for God to take away all of my stress and my worries, in fact I have been praying this same pray for like a month now, but I can finally say I feel relief in my life. I feel like I don't have anything to worry about, not a job, graduating, my relationship, not anything. Along with that I got some clarity in my life about what it is that I really want. I want so much and want to do so much with myself. I figured that I will stay here in Huntsville after graduating I am prepared to get my own apartment and with the blessing of my grandparents it will be fully furnished. I plan to have job offers by March and to begin working before the summer ends. I plan to save enough money to pay up at least 3 months of rent for my new place. I am excited about starting my own life on my own, but I am also very terrified. As far as my relationship, well I have such a better understanding of so much and I think that he really understands me, at least I hope he does. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now a days I am slowly accepting the fact that that may not be the case and I guess I am OK with that. Him and I had made so many plans about what we would do after graduation and we are suppose to move to the same city together, different places of course, and it is suppose to be us against the world. I would really love to have that instead of having to do everything on my own. We had an interesting conversation the other day and it brought light onto something that I didn't want to accept for the longest. He has gotten comfortable with being single and living and doing what he wants to do and not having any rules to follow. I figured this would happen. I told him a long time ago that this would happen, and it did. I told him that I would wait for him but the time is limited. I am not going to wait around for him to decide when it is convenient for him to be in a relationship, it is so not fair to me, and I think deep down it makes me mad. Like he would always tell me that he would never get like that when I would bring it to him before and now it has been proven that it can happen. I accept it though cause that is where I am in my life right now. I am changing the things that I can change and accepting the things that I can not, and that is something I have no power or control over. Besides I have to let him make the decision on his own, I have to let him be a man. But I know that I will not sit around and continue to wait and live by the rules if he is not. When we were together we had a rule about going out to clubs and dancing with people, we never do it. Since we have not been together he has just been out dancing it up and doing whatever he wants. It made me so mad when he told me I wanted to go off and do my usual but I didn't I listened to him cause that is what was needed. By the end of the conversation we had I told him that he needed to figure out what was more important to him, partying and doing what he wants to do and not living by the rules of a relationship or being in a relationship with someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't know which one he will pick, he still has not really thought about it and came up with an answer yet. But I told him that hopefully he will make the decision and I will still be here. I am not ready to move on with my life to another man but I am not going to sit around and waste time on someone who does not want the same things that I want or who wants to have their cake and eat it too. I want to settle down and have children and have my own family and things and what not. I am ready to grow up. I want someone who understands that in order to get what you want sometimes you have to sacrifice and put things on hold or grow up and that you have to work hard for everything you want in life. I hope that he realizes that.... before it is too late.
Anyways I truly enjoyed my New Years Eve. I just sat at home and ate and played games with my room mate. We popped champagne at the end of the night, the start of the best year of my life ( I pray). It was a great way to start the New Year in my opinion. Today I have not done to much just laying around and relaxing. I am still on the constant hunt for another job and I am confident that something is going to come up soon.
To end it all of I just want to say, trust in God and he will take care of you. I believe and I know that He will make everything OK, and that is possibly the reason why I don't have anything to really worry about. I know that He will make a way for all of my struggles and He will never put more on me than I can bear. Happy New Year!