Just when you think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel a big boulder comes and blocks the way. On top of all the things that I am going through, I have just recently lost my job. My only source of income, no matter how little it was, I can no longer depend on it. I really just don't know what to do now. Like I have so much going on I have so much to pay for and the holiday's are coming up. Like I am just so disappointed and discouraged right now, but I know that the Lord will make a way. I just have to allow myself to fully give myself to him and let him take control. I needed a new job anyway so this was placed in my life as a test to show how or if I would allow myself to be submissive to Him and not worry about it and know that everything will be ok. Every trial in my life has been for a purpose and this one will serve that purpose. No more old me who always misses the test and never gets the point of going through all of the trials and tribulations of life. I will look at this situation positively and know that it will all be taken care of. The pastor of my church once said that the Lord already knows what you need he knew what you needed before you knew that there was a need for it, and that he has already put into effect the thing that you need in your life. I know that the Lord has already planned this for me and is allowing me to go through this to show me something, I am not quite sure what that is but I am pretty sure that I will know soon enough. The Lord knows what I need and he will take care of it for me. So now that I am once again unemployed I will rejoice to the Lord and pray for my situation. I will not worry or cry about it cause it will do nothing but cause me stress, and I have already proven that stress is no good it will diminish your health and make you physically ill. I will make it through the storm with the grace that God has given me. Like they always say it will get worse before it gets better, and I will continue to pray for the strength to make it through the rain.

The Beginning ... My Reconstruction

I have never blogged before and it was suggested to me as a means of getting my emotions out and keeping my mind busy. I have been going through a lot lately and I am now currently in the process of getting better and making everything OK. So let me start with the fact that I am trying to gain control of my emotions and making myself happy.
I thought I was happy, I had a great relationship with a man who I love so much. He didn't know how to help me so he is giving me the time to help myself so that we can move forward in our relationship. It is so hard to admit you have a problem and now that I have, I need to figure out what to do. I have been doing a lot of reading and a lot of analyzing of my situation. I have done some reading up on anger management and self esteem, cause they are my major problems right now. I have been doing a daily regimen of reading my bible and exercise to get myself out of this funk that I am in. It seems to be working some what.
I have always believed that things in life happen for a reason and that God has a purpose for things happening to you. First let me say that I am not any holier than anyone else. I have a strong belief in God and yes I do slip up I do fall back, but so does everyone else.I believe that my current situation is being based on the fact that I ignored the Holy Spirit that was speaking to me Thursday night, telling me to stay home and not go out. I had a strong feeling, like someone was whispering to me in the back of my mind, but I just ignored it. My cousin told me that, it was the Holy Spirit that I was feeling. But I chose to ignore it and the Lord was testing me to see what I would do. I FAILED, clearly cause all of the things that transpired from that one choice made is the reason that I am no longer in the great relationship. My cousin told me that the Lord wanted me to hear what he was trying to tell me He was trying to show the right path and I ignored his direction and because of that he had to take something away from me. I understand it all a little too much now, but it's better late than never, right.
I am unhappy with who I am, and how people view me. Nobody ever has anything good to say about me, it is always something negative. I don't know, I am a likable person but I just have certain things in my personality that I guess people can't just get with. I always have been so misunderstood by everyone around me and I can truly say that there are only like three people in the whole world who really know me and how I am. I am a handful, a live wire, a feisty individual with a whole lot of attitude, but I know that I have something good about me. I guess that lately I have not been able to identify what that "good" thing is. I have literally made myself physically ill with constant headaches, nausea, colds, and flu with all the constant stress and worry I have put in my life.
But now I am on a new path, a path to make myself better and love myself no matter what. I will continue to use my blog to express my self and get out what I need to. Not just that but I will use it to keep my mind busy while I go through this whole process of reconstruction. I need to take this time to really spend with myself, by myself. Being alone is no fun and leaves room for idleness, and "an idle mind is the devil's playground" and I have no time for the devil to bring me down anymore!