Day 2: life and people

"God has a reason for allowing people to walk out of your life. Trust that he will ALWAYS replace them with someone even better." @ihateqoutes
This was the first inspirational thing I saw when I woke up. As I embark on this journey this year this will prove to be very important. A couple days before New Years I actually spent a long time in deep debate about the current people in my life and who should stay and who should go. It started to stress me so I just decided to pray for a spirit of discernment to fall on me in this new year.
I think about how much time I spent last year analyzing every situation I went thru and evaluating its propose and the lesson I was to learn from it. I did that with people too...I was so afraid of missing out on something great I was making a lot of unwise decisions and getting caught up in things I really didn't have time to focus on.
Going into this new year I have decided to weigh people by what they bring to my life or bring out of me....nothing but positivity. I don't want someone in my life that makes me angry and uneasy all the time. So much useless emotion was spent on useless people in my life last year.
My natural ability to be compassionate and overly caring often traps me into getting caught up in how I feel about someone for whatever reason....completely overlooking the reality of the situation....stressing me out!
So no more lectures to people who I spent an entire year lecturing to...if you haven't got it by now you won't get it...shrugs... Still love you tho...and no more getting caught up in my emotions  about others choices...at the end of the day I must realize that you made your decision and despite how much I try to make sense of it or make you see how you could better "manage" your decisions
It ultimately is your life....I can't play a supporting cast role when I'm never cast to begin with!!
So in conclusion God has allowed a lot of people to walk thru my life in the past several years...some great some not so great but I'm waiting on those better people he has promised me.

The Struggle... Cont....

Do you know what it is like to wake up stressed? How do you have a good nights rest but wake up a big ball of anxiety? I just recently celebrated my 25th birthday. I have had a phenomenal 5 day celebration with good friends and I am so happy and thankful for it. But the scope of my problems and my troubles are still here.

The Lord did recently bless me with a part-time job, which I am so grateful for regardless if it is what I saw myself doing or not. The biggest part of this 2 month struggle, and what I like to believe is God's message for me is sacrifice & patience. I have been wanting things my way for so long. I have to remind myself, hey God doesn't work like that. Everything that I have been praying for (this dream job, great pay, good benefits, with a business casual atmosphere) may not be what is in God's will for my life. We have to remember that just because we want it doesn't mean it is what is in God's will for us. I have lost focus over this past week... But I'm ready to get back strong in the Word and being focused on the mission at hand! I'm trying to figure out what God wants me to do and what his plan is so that I can at least get myself in position for whatever it may be.

Also this week I have really found another passion of mine in speaking up and out for those who have been silenced! I'm speaking about Trayvon Martin, the 17 year old killed in cold blood on his way back from the store with Skittles, and an Iced Tea! I will definitely have a whole post on this coming soon... I was too emotional about it when I first heard to even begin to get my thoughts together to make a good post! I have been speaking up and speaking out using all means of communication to get the word out there and to make people more aware of this boy's story and his tragic end. Stay tuned.. Greatness coming... In the meantime Live, Laugh, Love 

Faith Without Works...

When I think about the journey that my life has taken, I know that if it had not been for God's grace in my life I would not be here today. I woke up today feeling really discouraged really lost and just hopeless.


I have been laid off from work for 2 months now, company cut backs and budget reform. It hurt to lose that job (which was an awesome job) but I didn't worry or get down. I packed up my desk and left, knowing that God was going to take care of it all. Now here it is 2 months later, hundreds of resumes later and I am still making it.


But this morning I lost sight of that. I forgot how much I have overcome by the grace of God. This morning I was down and out sad at the direction my life is going, or should I say the lack of direction my life is going. I feel like I have no real plan, no real goal I am striving for nothing that I am building towards, and for this I feel hopeless. I guess I feel like I should be doing more, doing something with this time that God has given me. I think about how busy I was when I was working my 9 to 5 everyday and how much I didn't get finished due to me having that full-time job. But now I have all the time and all the freedom to complete and do so much yet I haven't. My cousin told me that God is giving me this time to sort through things and to get myself prepared. I should be taking this time and reading, learning and trying to enhance myself and my resume. I haven't made a plan, I haven't barely had any job interviews. I am discouraged yet not defeated. My cousin, who is my counselor (spiritually and mentally at times,  Check out my Cousin's blog... she is a beautiful inspiration) definitely help me to bring things back into perspective today. She reminded me to pray and that Faith without works is dead. That was it... FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD. I had been feeling like I was doing so much but in all actuality I have been doing the bare minimum trying to get by and get a pass off of just that. Its not good enough! I am constantly reminding people around me that anything in life that you want you have to work for. It is mentioned in the Bible at James 2:17 & 26. I need to put in more work somewhere in my life, not quite sure where but somewhere. I need to stop BSing!!!


I don't know what God has in store for me but I plan to keep praying. My cousin gave me Mark 14:1-9 to read, briefly telling me "God says do what you can and He will do what you can't". Live, Laugh, Love!

My Bitter Lemonade

The old saying goes " when life gives you lemons .... Make lemonade". My life seems to give me a plethora of ish that I can't combine to make anything good out of. It is like going to the pantry and having peanut butter and not bread ... Or having milk and no cereal .
Everyday is an ongoing struggle for me to press on and accept the fact that HEY this is what being an adult is all about. I just had my life spared from what could have been a near fatal crash (pictures below) to come to find out that my finances are not straight that my plans I had have to take an immediate detour and I'm just stuck like a duck in the mud.
I did something today that I need to be forgiven for... And that is to be ungrateful to God for his mercy and grace he has placed on my life ... He spared me which he did not have to do and here I am 2 days later letting all the pressures of my life weighing me down stating I should have just died on Saturday....... PAUSE ... Did I really just say that?
The burdens in life are there for a reason ... I know alll too well about dealing with the burdens and trials and tribulations of road blocks on the way to u life fulfillment... But just like in countless stories in the Bible where God had to test his people to build them up and make them strong and also to see how worthy they were to receive the blessings He had for them.... They NEVER complained ...
So its almost like I spoke curses onto God for blessing me with another day to live and breath and make right alllllll the wrongs... I take that back because that was not what I feel in my heart... What I do know is I have a greater purpose in life then I could ever imagine but God knows it and He is building me up and strengthening me for what is to come... For my destiny. So I hope that God will not forsake me or count my slip of the tongue during my emotional state against me.. For He knows my heart and yours too.. Confess with your tongue and it shall be.... LOVE LIVE LAUGH

I am human and at times we all fall back and go astray from ourselves. I am so upset with my current financial situation and I am so upset with being unemployed I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and I finally just got up and said why not start your day since you can't sleep. I stay trying to be proactive in finding a job, trying to stay one step ahead of the game and yet I have not been contacted, not by phone or email, by anyone about an interview or anything. I think it really depresses me. I woke up today and I decided to go back to a good habit I had started for myself, reading my bible and praying every morning. I have gotten away from doing that, and it upsets me. I almost feel hypocritical, the Pastor is always talking about those people who only go to the Lord when they want something or when they are going through something. I am not that person. I had been doing really good with reading my bible everyday and praying all day long ( it was really like twice a day and at every meal, but it felt like it was all day), and I felt at peace when I did it. Like my days were hard yes, but waking up in the morning and being able to breathe another breath felt good and to be able to give thanks to the one who allowed for that to happen felt good. I had mentioned once before that I am not one of those super religious people, and I am not, I have a strong faith in God and I know what he can do for anyone not just myself, as long as you have faith in Him. Having God in my life gives it some kind of purpose, I think about all of the people who walk around and wonder what is their purpose in this world, and only God knows that. Living my life with Him in it allows me to see that purpose everyday a little bit clearer. I know that He will deliver me out of this rut I am in right now, He has delivered me from so much in the past and has allowed me to be strong and press on and work through things. I know that if it be in his will I will get it together and get a financial blessing, and then I will be able to put into effect all of the plans that I have for myself for the future. I know that I can't worry about my phone bill getting paid next week or what I am going to do once the food runs out, or how I plan to pay for my books this semester which I know I desperately need. I am not worried about it cause I know that God has my back and will provide for me. He always has.

All things come to pass

The search for a new job is really hard and it is starting to take a toll on me spiritually. I have been trying to stay positive and trying to stay proactive on my search for a job. It is so hard and maybe it is just me cause I am being picky, I refuse to just work anywhere. My dream job right now while I am in still in school would be to work as an office assistant or a receptionist doing regular clerical work. However I am open to retail, sales, and hotels. I am desperate and maybe I should not be so picky, but I have filled out over thirty applications in the past week and have sent off about five resumes and I have yet to be contacted back, I just don't know what to do anymore. My phone bill is due next week and clearly I won't be going to inauguration like I thought I was going to be able to and I am pissed about it. I have no money saved and don't even have a bank account with a 0 balance to show for anything. I don't want to say I am stressed or worried but honestly I am. I don't know how to survive right now. I do know everything will work out and everything will come together by the grace of God. All I can do is pray about it and hopefully my prayers will be answered soon. On top of the unemployment situation I am still dealing with my future graduation situation. I hope that everything works out with too, cause I really don't want to go off on these people at this school. Yeah that is not the right thing to do, but for them not to let me participate in the relationship for something as stupid as a physical education class that I was told I did not have to take then yes I am going to go off in a big way. But I am not really worried with that cause I know that God will take care of that he already has it in the making, cause He knows too.
Other than the few disappointments that I face my life is good, my relationship is good and I can say that I am happy and don't have a real worry in the world. Despite the fact of having no job and not knowing if I will graduate I know that I will be taken care of and that I will never have a want for anything. I have so much clarity of what I want and where I want to go. I am happy with myself and my situations. I know that everything will be great for me one day and that I will have everything in my heart that I want. I am excited about my future and excited about my future with the man that I love. He has been great, we have spent about a week together and it has been good, we have really enjoyed each others company. I know that him and I together we can make it through anything and can do anything. I am happy blessed and fortunate to have all of those things in my life.

Clarity for the New Year

It has been a minute, but I truly enjoyed my time at home. It was completely relaxed and I got to catch up on some eating of some good soul food. I got to spend time with my brother and sister, who I love so much. I also got to spend some quality time with my mom just talking about random things, but I enjoyed it anyways. I got to see my friends and their families who I have not seen in a year cause I have not been home in a year. I received a lot of clarity on my nine day trip to Cleveland I got to really spend time with myself at home, a place that is comfortable, and really figure things out. I got to catch up on things that I love to do like crocheting and playing video games with my brother and sister. I did a lot of praying and asking for God to take away all of my stress and my worries, in fact I have been praying this same pray for like a month now, but I can finally say I feel relief in my life. I feel like I don't have anything to worry about, not a job, graduating, my relationship, not anything. Along with that I got some clarity in my life about what it is that I really want. I want so much and want to do so much with myself. I figured that I will stay here in Huntsville after graduating I am prepared to get my own apartment and with the blessing of my grandparents it will be fully furnished. I plan to have job offers by March and to begin working before the summer ends. I plan to save enough money to pay up at least 3 months of rent for my new place. I am excited about starting my own life on my own, but I am also very terrified. As far as my relationship, well I have such a better understanding of so much and I think that he really understands me, at least I hope he does. I love him to death and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now a days I am slowly accepting the fact that that may not be the case and I guess I am OK with that. Him and I had made so many plans about what we would do after graduation and we are suppose to move to the same city together, different places of course, and it is suppose to be us against the world. I would really love to have that instead of having to do everything on my own. We had an interesting conversation the other day and it brought light onto something that I didn't want to accept for the longest. He has gotten comfortable with being single and living and doing what he wants to do and not having any rules to follow. I figured this would happen. I told him a long time ago that this would happen, and it did. I told him that I would wait for him but the time is limited. I am not going to wait around for him to decide when it is convenient for him to be in a relationship, it is so not fair to me, and I think deep down it makes me mad. Like he would always tell me that he would never get like that when I would bring it to him before and now it has been proven that it can happen. I accept it though cause that is where I am in my life right now. I am changing the things that I can change and accepting the things that I can not, and that is something I have no power or control over. Besides I have to let him make the decision on his own, I have to let him be a man. But I know that I will not sit around and continue to wait and live by the rules if he is not. When we were together we had a rule about going out to clubs and dancing with people, we never do it. Since we have not been together he has just been out dancing it up and doing whatever he wants. It made me so mad when he told me I wanted to go off and do my usual but I didn't I listened to him cause that is what was needed. By the end of the conversation we had I told him that he needed to figure out what was more important to him, partying and doing what he wants to do and not living by the rules of a relationship or being in a relationship with someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't know which one he will pick, he still has not really thought about it and came up with an answer yet. But I told him that hopefully he will make the decision and I will still be here. I am not ready to move on with my life to another man but I am not going to sit around and waste time on someone who does not want the same things that I want or who wants to have their cake and eat it too. I want to settle down and have children and have my own family and things and what not. I am ready to grow up. I want someone who understands that in order to get what you want sometimes you have to sacrifice and put things on hold or grow up and that you have to work hard for everything you want in life. I hope that he realizes that.... before it is too late.
Anyways I truly enjoyed my New Years Eve. I just sat at home and ate and played games with my room mate. We popped champagne at the end of the night, the start of the best year of my life ( I pray). It was a great way to start the New Year in my opinion. Today I have not done to much just laying around and relaxing. I am still on the constant hunt for another job and I am confident that something is going to come up soon.
To end it all of I just want to say, trust in God and he will take care of you. I believe and I know that He will make everything OK, and that is possibly the reason why I don't have anything to really worry about. I know that He will make a way for all of my struggles and He will never put more on me than I can bear. Happy New Year!