Personal Victory #1

So I tried to go out tonight and I don't think I enjoyed it, like yeah I had fun being able to be out with some old friends but I think I just felt really out of place, I don't know. And then being around all of the drinking and what not was just kind of like what is the point. It's funny I always use to drink at every party, I couldn't wait til the next one so I could drink. I don't have the desire to drink anymore and get drunk, for what. My freshman and sophomore year it was just drink to drink, no real purpose. Around my sophomore year I started drinking as a means to release tension, or anxiety, or just bad feelings all together. If I was upset I would drink. I quickly had to get out of that, that is the first signs of alcoholism. When me and my current boyfriend started talking and he expressed to me how he felt about me drinking I had it in my mind that I would not drink as much and would more so make it a social thing when I was out with friends and just have one. He wanted me not to drink altogether, none, and I told him I would. And yet I know that I had slipped up more than once and drank but I never got drunk. I have always had the best intentions when it came to drinking and being with him, I knew how he felt so I didn't want to do it to upset him and to make him happy. Now that we are where we are, I still feel like I don't need to drink. I know that he does sometimes but it is never a getting drunk thing. Tonight was just very long and I definitely felt like it was way past my bed time. I have church in the morning. I don't know but maybe this is a new side of me. That whole going out to the club and every party is old and tired and I don't need to be seen in it anymore, it never validated me and showed who I truly was. I like being M.I.A where when people do see you me they ask "where have you been, I haven't seen you in so long". I am getting my life together I want to say, if only people knew what I was going through when they see me. However, I just tell them that I have been working on graduating, which I have, but with all the resent developments in my life I have been working on that and some other things. I feel proud of myself, I feel like I am growing up and maturing, slowly but surely. This whole recovery thing is not that bad I feel good about myself and all of the situations that I am in. I can sit and say I am positive about all of the negative things in my life, Iknow it has only been a couple of days since but I feel good. I know that of course sometimes I may fall short and may feel bad about some things sometimes, but I think it is normal as long as I am able to bounce back and reflect on the positive again. I feel the change in me and though some may not be able to see it I will work extra hard to show it and show how I am feeling. Nothing is going to change in a day, and I know that, and yeah I know that I am not all that I can be yet but I am getting there. Change is always happening, it is an evolving activity. I will forever be changing and growing and learning about myself and the world. I will constantly be learning how to manage my emotions and how to deal with change. Loving myself is going to be constantly changing as I get older and things change, but it is learning to love myself through all of it is what makes the difference.