Friends ... How many of us have them?

My life has always been a open book, especially with friends or at least people I call my friends. I have just always been so free with letting people know about my life and everything I have been through. I have been told that one should not tell everything to everyone. With all that has been happening now I have seem to shut myself off from a lot of people I use to be close with. This blog has been wonderful, like I can freely communicate my emotions and what not with people I don't know and who don't know me, so therefore they can't judge me. And if they do who cares I will never meet them in my life. The blog has been my friend where I have made my friends absent in my life and has allowed me to keep in touch with myself (and my ex who reads regularly,even though we talk everyday, he likes it cause he gets to know what I am thinking and feeling). I am really bad with keeping in touch with people I hate talking to people on the phone, I would much rather talk to them in person. My friends from high school, the Fab 5, as we called ourselves is like all I really have. I have not really kept up with them like I should. When we all left to go to college four years ago we just didn't keep in touch like we should have. However I can say I did keep in touch with two people from high school, my best friend Danielle ( The Fab 5) and my best friend Tierra. They were the only ones who I have kept and maintained a relationship with and the only true friends that I can honestly say I have. They have been there for me in my worst and they love me and would do anything for me and I feel the same about them. When I had problems at home with my mother I would go to their house and crash, I have practically lived with both of them somewhere within our friendships. They know me the best and they are such good friends, when I am having a bad day and going through things they know how to make everything feel better or at least make it sound better. We have always been able to encourage each other even though we all have had our share of bad decisions. I love them.
My best friend of over 15 years I have not even kept in touch with. She was my first friend and we grew up together, cause she lived next door to my grandparents. The point is I have bad relationship problems with people. Like I can honestly say I only have two best friends. The people I have met in college, I don't plan on being friends with them for the rest of my life. I have gone through so many friends and so many cliks, I have almost been friends with everyone on campus. But my current friends I have one group of friends who I just have been avoiding and one that I don't spend enough time with. Lets talk about the first group. This group includes my roommate whom I have known since freshman year and Ms. C and Ms. Bri. They are cool to kick it with and what not. My roommate and I have a good friendship we almost do everything together. Ms. C is a friend by association type thing she is a friend of my roommate, we just kind of developed our own friendship too. And Ms. Bri, my insane friend, no really the bitch is crazy. But we have a lot in common, sad to say, we became associates through seeing each other in classes, and then we became friends after we had discovered we had the common factor that our boyfriends were roommates. We ended up spending a lot of time with each other cause we were always at our boyfriends house so we started to kick it and what not. OK so now that I have given the background lets talk about why I am avoiding them. My roommate, we come from two totally different backgrounds; she is very family oriented she loves her parents ( surprise surprise she grew with a mom and a dad) and her sisters and she gets very emotional about that fact, me I don't have strong ties to my family , don't get me wrong I love them, me and my mom we have issues , I love my brother and sister to death (they are my heart) and I love my grandparents. Like I have been to hell and back, and back to hell again in my life so many times she would never understand, and if it is something she doesn't understand then she judges it. I have not bothered to share with her anything I am going through cause I don't feel like being judged or having to try to explain myself to her. She judged me for living with him this summer. I didn't want to, but I had nowhere else to go and I refused to go home to my mother. For the life of her she couldn't understand that, she couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to go home, and I didn't want to have to explain it over and over. OK Ms. C we don't have a strong enough relationship for me to trust her enough to tell her my business. She cool to kick it with and go out with it, but yeah something is not all there. Ms. Bri, besides the fact that she is crazy as hell, she is just a lot to deal with at one time, and most of the time I don't feel like being bothered. She got about as many problems as I do and us getting together to talk about problems is not going to help neither one of us. She can't give me any kind of help, or advice, she is a great ride or die type friend and she has been there for some things in my life over the past year but yeah, neither one of us can help each other. They are all good friends especially my roommate and Ms. Bri but they all have issues with me and how I am an inadequate friend to them, and I admit that I am. I don't have great relationships with people, my fear is that I am turning into my mother. She has no friends or none that I know of. She never goes out and just has lunch with the friends or has dinner parties with her friends it always just her and her kids. Maybe that is a sacrifice my mother made to become a mother, and I appreciate it, but at the same time her life is miserable and unhappy. I don't want to be mother, alone with and angry all the damn time. Now my other friends here at school that I don't spend that much time with are the ones I made while marching in the band. I was a flag girl for 2 years in the University marching band and I have developed good relationships with some of the other flags. We are still good friends and still kick it and what not. We don't spend a lot of time together mostly cause they are the unreliable group of friends, the ones that don't answer their phones when you need them. So as far as telling them what is going on I choose not to cause we don't spend enough time with one another to get anything accomplished. It is kind of hard doing this with no one but my ex. He never believes me when I tell him he is all I have. He knows me on a level that most people will never know me and the only people I think that know me that way is Danielle and Tierra. I don't want to share myself with these people I have created some bad relationships with people and have left bad taste in a lot of people's mouths even the ones who call themselves my friends. I look at it like this, some years down the line when I am getting ready to get married will I be able to count on them to be there. I use this example cause it came about when me and my ex were talking about all the people whom we wanted to be apart of the wedding party. He had this overly long exaggerated list of like 15 groomsmen and I could only come up with like five girls who I wanted to be in my wedding, three of them who I was a little unsure of. He always asks what happened to all of my friendships with people. And now that I remember it was this whole friendship conversation that showed me that I had a problem that needed to be fixed, it was the catalyst for the events to come (how crazy is that). But he just didn't understand why I didn't have a lot of the friends that I use to. I told him cause I didn't value friendship really. But really now that I look at it, it is cause people are funny acting and yeah they are your friends one minute and the next you aren't important to them anymore. In college I learned a lot about myself and a lot about the people around me, females are fake, judgemental, manipulative, beings they are horrible friends, and only when you can find a group who you really fit with then you can call them friends. I guess that is why I have had so many friends over the past four years, constantly redirecting my life and what I want and what I need and a lot of the time the people in my life were not fitting with what those things were that I needed or were trying to accomplish. And I guess that is where I am now in my life, once again redirecting it and finding that the people in my life just really ain't fitting there anymore, my puzzle has changed again. I know that the entire four years have not been a waste though. I have met some great people who I know will accomplish some great things, I have met and made some friends who I will stay friends with for a long time, I have met some who I will probably not contact five years from now. I met the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with and yet he is a pain in my ass, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What else can I say ....

I think that maybe I have gone blog crazy. I am writing like three times a day. I have too much going on and I am still trying to work on that whole positivity thing and changing the things in my life that I can change and accepting the things that I can not. I am feeling stressed and just cause I expected to live this great positive life I guess it is just normal to still get stressed out. I am going home for Christmas. I leave on next Sunday and I am flying with Northwest Airlines. I have never flown Northwest I always fly Southwest but because of transportation issues to and from airports I was stuck flying out of the city I am in with the small airport, instead of going to closer city with a larger airport. Yeah so I am stuck flying on Northwest and they suck all the way. Like I love Southwest airlines they have great rates, and great perks for their customers such as free baggage check for up to 2 bags and you get 2 carry-ons and you can change your flight date without any cost. These are just a few of the issues I have ran into in traveling with a new airline that I have had to compare.I am rather disappointed with the fact that I have to pay to check one piece of luggage, I don't get to check that one piece of luggage for free I have to pay! That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of. Like do they expect people to not travel with luggage like they charge for each piece. It is inconvenient and I don't appreciate it. Like if anything, the airline should include the charge of baggage into the price of the entire ticket if they just have to charge. Hey, they making their money though I guess, whatever they are just as bad as banks, using the fine print to get over on people and making a profit. I call my ex so that I can talk cause I found myself getting really frustrated with the situation and when I think about one bad thing going on in my life I think about all the bad things in my life. I guess I can try my hardest to dismiss my problems and be positive about them and working on how to change them but I guess until something good happens they are always there in the back of my mind waiting to attack. Most of the time I just need to do something to take my mind off of it or could use some encouraging words. But anyways, I call to talk to him and he was very non responsive and really didn't help at all. He thinks that when I come to him with my problems that I am looking to him for advice like he has all the answers and I need him to tell me what to do. I know that he is not a know-it-all and that he doesn't have all the answers, but I at least look for some kind of response from him. He always just sits on the phone and doesn't say anything and when I ask what he thinks he can never tell me he is just so non-responsive. It drives me so crazy, I want him to listen but I also want him to be the person to tell me everything is going to be alright and that I should not worry about it. He could at least encourage me or make me feel better, I can't even get that anymore. Whatever, I am over it, I don't have anyone to go to and talk to about my problems, all I have is this damn blog. Like I know that if I need to talk I can always call him and I don't have that out of anybody else. Everybody else in my life either makes themselves unavailable to me after a certain time or are just completely unreliable and never answer their phone. He is kind of the only person that is a constant thing in my life, I know I can call him and he will be there. Lately he just has not been as encouraging as I would like for him to be, but just like he told me I should not place expectations on him cause we are not together. Whatever, that is a whole load of bull in my opinion. Like if you know that I come to you with my problems and that I trust you with my personal information why not try to be more supportive and more encouraging. When he was going through his little "BF" this week I tried to be encouraging and tell him that everything will be OK and I let him have his space cause I know that that is what he needs to function through a problem. I just wish the act was returned sometimes to me. I can say that if I ever need to talk I can call him and he will answer which is more than I can say for most people. I will go pray about it now and for the strength to continue to forge my way through the storm. I can always count on my faith to have my back.

Intoxicated by the Music

Music. It is so captivating. I have so much respect for real recording artist cause they are able to escape the real and release their stresses and emotions through a medium that all people take part in. They get to share a part of them that most people don't get to share. I love music, I love listening to it. I grew up with music all the time. I played clarinet and I sang in the school choir. Music is so expressive and it can touch so many people in their every situation. I have been listening to music all day long ( which is really good cause I have not watched TV all day and it is Saturday). I have found a few songs today that have been able to really kind of explain how I am feeling and what is going on with me and this whole relationship thing. Let me just say that this break up ish is hard and is for the birds. Beyonce's new CD "I am Sasha Fierce" is phenomenal. Like I had only been listening to the second CD with all the fast songs on it but today I looked up the lyrics to the songs on the first CD and I noticed that a lot of them related to me or how I am feeling or how I want to feel. It really is a great CD and I feel stupid for neglecting it for so long. I have been listening to it mostly ( for like the past 3 hours) while I clean up and do my hair. All of the songs on the CD really hit home for me in some way and they are just so beautiful by themselves. Beyonce is such a truly talented singer in my opinion. Most songs that I like or that I have in my top songs I like them cause I can relate to them in some way or I connect with the message of the song. Like yesterday, I had to make a reference to the Plain White Tee's " Hate is a Strong Word" song ( I love them by the way) cause that was how I was feeling at the time. One thing that I can say for me and my ex is our love for music. It is like a release for us (well at least for me). Listening to a good song can bring out so many emotions, you could cry or dance around your apartment half naked like in Risky Business., it can uplift a situation and change moods. I know like when I am at a wack party and the DJ really sucks like it will just take one of my favorite party songs to come on for me to get in the mood and ready to party.
But anyways, the first song that touched me and how I feel or how I want to feel is Beyonce's " Disappear" The song say: "If I begged and if I cried, would it change the sky tonight? Would it give me some light? Should I wait for you to call? Is there any hope at all? Are you drifting by? When I think about it I know that I was never there or even cared. The more I think about it the less that I was able to share with you. I try to reach you I can almost feel you. You're nearly here and then you disappear. And when I lie all by myself I see your face an I hear your voice. My heart stays faithful and time has come an time has passed. If it's good it's got to last, it felt so right."
The next song from the CD would have to be "Broken-hearted Girl", (right how typical of me). " If everything about you never were, the nothing about you could have been. But still you live inside of me, so tell me how is that. You're the only one I wish I could forget, the only one I love to not forgive, and though you break my heart, you're the only one and though there are times I hate you cause I can't erase the times that you hurt me an put tears on my face. And even now when I hate you it pains me to say i know I'll be there at the end of the day. There's something that I feel I need to say. Up til now I've always been afraid that you would never come around and still i wanna put this out, you say you got the most respect for me, but sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me. And still you're in my heart. But you're the only one and yes there are times when I hate you but I don't complain, cause I've been afraid that you would walk away. But now I don't hate you I am happy to say that I will be there at the end of the day I don't wanna be without you babe. I don't want a broken heart, don't wanna take a breath without you babe, I don't wanna play that part. I know that I love you but let me just say I don't want to love you in no kind of way.... I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl"
I think that everyone who has every dealt with love issues should go listen to both of them.
Danity Kane also had a good song on their last album called "Poetry" talking about how the girl had been being neglected by the man and how she didn't know what to think he was driving her insane with all the mixed messages either you love or me or you don't.
I felt that writing about the songs would give me something to do and would keep me busy. It also kind of gives me a way to express myself through other people's words which is good. Sometimes we don't know how to say it and sometimes it takes for someone else to say it for us to really get a good understanding of it.

Inspirations from Church

Today was a good day. I woke up and went to church and got a lot done. Today in church the sermon was about "The Stewardship of Time". I love the church I go to because the pastor really takes the time to break down the bible so that we can take the word and apply it to our lives. But the sermon basically was talking about how we make plans without including God. We started out first by discussing how to seek God prayerfully or through prayer. The Bible says ask and you shall receive. The story we were reading from was from James 4:13-17, and was about how these people had this perfect plan about going to a city and making a great profit. They understood who, what, when, where, and why, which are all very important factors in making a plan. However, they forgot to include God into those plans, my pastor called this pretentious planning, when you leave God out. He also told us about presumptuous planning, where we can't handle the events of today but we want to worry about tomorrow. Take care of today first, you must live in the now and the today and not tomorrow, for the Word says that tomorrow is not promised, that our lives are like a fog, here one minute and gone the next. The purpose of the sermon was really to get us to understand that life is too short to worry about tomorrow, not to say that planning is not good, but what good is it without God. My pastor gave us a few notes of advice saying that we should go to God first with our plans and ask him what his will is for ourselves. Secondly he said that we should write our plans out in pencil and not in ink so that God can erase anything that He does not want in our lives. He finally gave us the option of sitting down and evaluating how we spend our time. He told us that there are 3 things you can do with time: you can spend time, waste time, or invest time. The thing to consider seriously is how much time do you waste. You could be spending more time with God, rather than worrying about something that God will take care of in the end anyway. You could invest more time in your daily devotion to God, instead of investing time in watching TV. My pastor said that "if you know better than do better" meaning that if you know that you could do all of these things that you may not do, you should do them and not waste time.
The service was really good and it really touched on what is going on in my life right now. Dealing with my whole graduation issue is something that I have to just wait out and let God handle cause I have done all that I have in my power to do. My cousin told me at the end of church that if it be in God's will for me to graduate in May then I will and not to worry about it now. Also at the service today a women who gave her life to Christ today as a candidate for baptism gave us her testimony. Her story really touched me and I was emotional about it cause it was not just only sad and tragic but it was also a prophecy of what was just taught to us by our pastor that life is too short. Her and her fiance were in church one Sunday and he had rode his motorcycle to church ten minutes down the road on the highway he was in a fatal accident. The week that his funeral took place was the week that they were to be married. She got up there and she told us how she had just came straight from the airport to church to tell us about this man she had met and how she had left her phone in another city. The significance of this was that the man had given her reassurance that everything was going to be OK. In light of all of this, her flight had been extended and she had no way of contacting the person who was to pick her up from the airport. But something told her not to worry about it and that her friend was going to be there to get her, and when she arrived her friend was there, and she told her that she almost left but something told her to stay. And the women from church said that was the Holy Spirit. God knows what you need before you even have a need for it, he will take care of you before the storm even hits. It is so good to know that someone has my back, when I can't see it myself.

Personal Victory #1

So I tried to go out tonight and I don't think I enjoyed it, like yeah I had fun being able to be out with some old friends but I think I just felt really out of place, I don't know. And then being around all of the drinking and what not was just kind of like what is the point. It's funny I always use to drink at every party, I couldn't wait til the next one so I could drink. I don't have the desire to drink anymore and get drunk, for what. My freshman and sophomore year it was just drink to drink, no real purpose. Around my sophomore year I started drinking as a means to release tension, or anxiety, or just bad feelings all together. If I was upset I would drink. I quickly had to get out of that, that is the first signs of alcoholism. When me and my current boyfriend started talking and he expressed to me how he felt about me drinking I had it in my mind that I would not drink as much and would more so make it a social thing when I was out with friends and just have one. He wanted me not to drink altogether, none, and I told him I would. And yet I know that I had slipped up more than once and drank but I never got drunk. I have always had the best intentions when it came to drinking and being with him, I knew how he felt so I didn't want to do it to upset him and to make him happy. Now that we are where we are, I still feel like I don't need to drink. I know that he does sometimes but it is never a getting drunk thing. Tonight was just very long and I definitely felt like it was way past my bed time. I have church in the morning. I don't know but maybe this is a new side of me. That whole going out to the club and every party is old and tired and I don't need to be seen in it anymore, it never validated me and showed who I truly was. I like being M.I.A where when people do see you me they ask "where have you been, I haven't seen you in so long". I am getting my life together I want to say, if only people knew what I was going through when they see me. However, I just tell them that I have been working on graduating, which I have, but with all the resent developments in my life I have been working on that and some other things. I feel proud of myself, I feel like I am growing up and maturing, slowly but surely. This whole recovery thing is not that bad I feel good about myself and all of the situations that I am in. I can sit and say I am positive about all of the negative things in my life, Iknow it has only been a couple of days since but I feel good. I know that of course sometimes I may fall short and may feel bad about some things sometimes, but I think it is normal as long as I am able to bounce back and reflect on the positive again. I feel the change in me and though some may not be able to see it I will work extra hard to show it and show how I am feeling. Nothing is going to change in a day, and I know that, and yeah I know that I am not all that I can be yet but I am getting there. Change is always happening, it is an evolving activity. I will forever be changing and growing and learning about myself and the world. I will constantly be learning how to manage my emotions and how to deal with change. Loving myself is going to be constantly changing as I get older and things change, but it is learning to love myself through all of it is what makes the difference.

Expectations and Chapter 3

Expectations, they are a funny thing. I have lived my whole life on expectations and have constantly lived in disappointment. I always expect something or expect for things to be a certain way in my life and in the situations in my life, and when things don't go that way I am always upset, mad, and disappointed. I believe a lot of people do this and it is a driving force in a lot of people having problems. I am really bad with this I always expect something and when it doesn't happen I always get mad and show out. That is just how I have been, things don't go my way and I get mad. If someone does not give me the answer that I want I am pissed, when someone does not do something that I want or expected them to do I am upset. Working on controlling my anger and emotions I have come to realize this part of myself and how I always let my expectations run my emotions is unhealthy. Someone once told me that you can expect anything from anyone but yourself. I am slowly getting that through my head as the days go by. The past couple of days have been what they have been because of my expectations that I placed on the situations I was in. On Thursday I went to a Christmas Ball hosted by a sorority at my school, it was really nice and me and "friend"/boyfriend/ex (whatever) looked really nice and ended up having a really nice time. I was a little upset at the beginning of the night cause he left me to go and greet people and I didn't expect for him to just leave me like that. It kind of put me in a rut an a bad mood but I got out of it and had fun. Then as we were leaving I made a smart somewhat mean comment to him, like we have always done with each other, totally disregarding that the night before I had told him that I wanted him to stop being mean to me and we agreed to watch what we say to one another. So he was pissed at me and called me a hypocrite, which in a way I was, and I had become upset cause I didn't expect for us to end the night like that. Because my expectations were deterred I grew even more upset with the situation that was taking place at the present time. Learning how to not expect things and not place expectations on things in my life is where I am right now. When you set yourself up for expectations you set yourself up for non-realistic thoughts and rather disappointing outcomes.
I believe that I have made some good progress in understanding me and the way that I am currently and how to change the way that I am. In the book that I am reading it tells you to take a look at yourself and the roles you play in life and a couple of goals of those roles and decide whether you are happy with what you come up with. The chapter I just completed is called begin with the end in mind. The chapter starts out first by discussing visualizing your funeral and what people would have to say about you. From the visualization you are then suppose to determine if you are happy with what people would say about you and what you would want people to say about you. I am not to fond of the idea of death and so therefore I was not to excited with exercise itself, but I still did it. I would want people to say that I was a good person who really cared about people and worked everyday to make someone else's life better. I would want them to say that I was a good motivator, great mother, good friend, good listener, and someone to look up to. Right now in my life I have to figure out how to get there. The whole principle of "beginning with the end in mind" is based on personal leadership. The book discusses how we need to use our imagination and conscience to work on our personal leadership. This chapter discussed a lot about visualizing situations and seeing how we would react to the situations. It stated that if we can work on how we handle different situations in our life before they occur we can be highly effective in making changes in our lives along with being a more successful person. It talked about using visualization and affirmation as an exercise of making changes in our lives. Also it talked about writing a personal mission statement including our life roles and goals and what we want to accomplish like what our values are. All of that kind of goes back to the beginning exercise with the funeral with establishing what your values are and what you want to accomplish with your life, you can only do that once you know what your values are.
My Affirmation: It is fulfilling and pleasing that I respond with love and self control when I am upset with people.
My Life Roles and Their Goals: Christian, as a Christian I will continue to grow closer to God by being a service to God and his Kingdom and the people around me, nourishing them with the love of God. Student, as a student I will graduated with a 3.0 accumulative GPA by being on time and working as hard as I can (never giving up or just being mediocre), and controlling my actions in the classroom. I will also learn all that I can learn and take advantage of all learning experiences and opportunities. Friend, as a friend I want to be a supportive, good listener who loves them throughout all of the drama.
One day things will be good and I will be a more effective person in society and my relationships with people. I am growing happy with the more that I discover about myself and the things in my life that I now know that I can change and knowing how to change them. I received some heartbreaking news on Friday, and yes I cried in fact I boohooed, I cried so hard, but I stopped and I took in to account that I need to look at my other options and seek out some other opportunities. Yeah having the support of my friend and having him to talk me through it was helpful but I really could not stop crying until I realized that I did have other options. I guess I am making progress, I was able to get up and not be depressed about the news I realized that all I can do is to wait til Monday. I am learning to be more positive and to look at things more positively, I know that I sometimes I fall back on to old habits but I really do see a change in the new ones that I have been making in my life. I love it!!!!!

Searching and Finding!!!

As each day goes on I grow happier and happier with my situation. I have really taken a desire to bettering myself and becoming a more effective person in society. I have really been able to take a look at myself and the things that I go through and look at why I go through them. I am in charge of my destiny and I always knew that but I never understood it, not like I do now. I control what happens to me and the decisions I make are reflections of my character. As I continue to read the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" I continually learn new things about myself. I am a highly reactive person, meaning that I am always blaming the situations in my life on the conditioning or the conditions surrounding me. I am the kind of person who has a bad day when the weather is bad. The first step the book discusses is about being proactive, meaning taking the initiative and being responsible for my actions and behaviors. The weather is a good example, reactive people let the weather affect them whereas proactive people make their own weather, they understand they are in charge of their emotions and their feelings. I have always let my feelings and my emotions run my life, I have been highly dependent upon them. I now see that in letting my emotions run my life I am not truly living life but rather being lived by life. I have no true identity with myself and can only relate to myself through my emotions and not by who I am as a person. The book discusses how reactive people use the word "have" a lot in the since of "If I only had this in my life then everything would be better". Yeah granted I can sit here and say that if I only had a job things would be better, but would they. The only thing that would be solved is a partial part of my financial woes, I would still be unhappy and would also be settling for something, allowing my environment to run my life and allowing my financial situation to run my life. I won't do that! Proactive people use the word "be". I can be more patient and diligent in finding a job instead of focusing on the negative of not having a job. To really break it down basically it address being positive in negative situations. The book says that how we react to the situations we face in life is what causes us the most problems. It says that people can't hurt us yeah they can hurt us physically but they can't control us unless we let them. I have been known to have some over the top reactions to things. For along time I accepted my craziness and when me and my current boyfriend started dating a year ago that all changed. The way I viewed myself changed because of him, I saw how he was displeased with my image and what people thought of me and it bothered me. I didn't understand it then but I understand it now. I had been living a lie masking the true problem with myself not realizing that I was living off of my emotions and feelings I was creating this false me that was not living life at all but rather being lived. I had been doing it for so long I didn't even realize it was happening. I was putting on a front, he always tells me that I always try to act all hard like I am all big and bad, but inside I am just a big softy. He knew me better than I knew myself, he saw things in me I didn't see for myself. I always use to tell him that the Lord placed us together for a reason, and now I think I know what that reason is, well at least part of the reason. I had to find myself and become a better person. I would have never had realized it on my own, but if it had not been for him I would have never wanted to make this change in my life or realized that a changed needed to be made. I am so appreciative of our relationship and feel so blessed to have him everyday in my life. The book also discussed love and how reactive people look at love as if it is an emotion a thing that we feel, when technically love is a verb, an action something that is shown. I believe that him and I show that we love each other everyday and have been doing it for at least a year now and I am so happy to be loved and to be able to love.